Snap out of it! part 2
his hand is out stretched holding air...?...God, Helen or Louis? who can know. I wish to see him in peace, in acceptance and comfort. I am disconnected, purposely I am not sure, it feels as if I haven't made that choice it just happens. A gift of space or vision from Them, capitol "T" Them, the Gods. A gift or my path aren't they the same? We have a choice to make to tell him it is the cancer once more stealing what is left of his life; bit by bit, minute to hour, hours to days, days to months. This cancer that has been here lurking and growing and changing. Another one, another tumor.Do we tell him? Best coming from those who love him or from those who try and fix him. Its hard to say how this could set back the last couple days of jokes, funny faces, sick gestures and peace; no anger. i am afraid. Afraid for him, can he stand another setback when he has yet to accept his fate as it stands; death, sooner or later. I want to see him in calm and what ever happiness can look like to a terminal patient. I wish for God to be holding his hand.
The pulmonary doctor asked me if I was a nurse.., I said "no I am his daughter and I love this man; and it's my job to ask the questions so he can understand". S said you should've told him not in this lifetime yet, but in several before. He's right many years ago I was given a reading from a past life; past life regression. She told me I was a nurse during war time(not the first time either) the long and short of it was I was the best at what I did, but could use a little work on my bed side manner :) My life lessons manifesting in the real world. I think I am doing better this time. A healer that is all I have ever wanted to be: first it was a paramedic(2x i thought this would be my favorite), a nurse like Hot lips Houlihan from M.A.S.H. or the pretty blonde from 1 Adam 12; and latest an herbalist. Maybe I need to re think this path...nurse with an emphasis on herbal medicines.
What I do feel is guilt. I knew dad wasn't right and hasn't been but he never listens to us. NO , not us mom, I do wish i had spoken up more. He does listen when i ask those questions or when I tell him what I think. I wonder why I didn't see it or feel it. Can I be a healer when I couldn't see his disease when it was taking over? I am saddened by our loss we have already lost a part of him; I feel guilty.
The pulmonary doctor asked me if I was a nurse.., I said "no I am his daughter and I love this man; and it's my job to ask the questions so he can understand". S said you should've told him not in this lifetime yet, but in several before. He's right many years ago I was given a reading from a past life; past life regression. She told me I was a nurse during war time(not the first time either) the long and short of it was I was the best at what I did, but could use a little work on my bed side manner :) My life lessons manifesting in the real world. I think I am doing better this time. A healer that is all I have ever wanted to be: first it was a paramedic(2x i thought this would be my favorite), a nurse like Hot lips Houlihan from M.A.S.H. or the pretty blonde from 1 Adam 12; and latest an herbalist. Maybe I need to re think this path...nurse with an emphasis on herbal medicines.
What I do feel is guilt. I knew dad wasn't right and hasn't been but he never listens to us. NO , not us mom, I do wish i had spoken up more. He does listen when i ask those questions or when I tell him what I think. I wonder why I didn't see it or feel it. Can I be a healer when I couldn't see his disease when it was taking over? I am saddened by our loss we have already lost a part of him; I feel guilty.