and my lack of confidence kicks my ass again
tonight was alright. j.allen came over and totally suprised me! that was super nice b/c i didnt think i'd get to see her today, but i did! wee.
we had a talk that went from interesting to crappy to okay and back. hopefully it'll all work out okay. she and i both need to do the right thing...whenever we figure out what it is. maybe we should just both make a good friend? maybe i need to accept that i'm a loser and watch her win this? maybe that would break my heart. who knows....but what i do know is this: i finally cried. it was nice. made me fee like me again.
saw david w/a girl he's apparently fucked a few times. didn't phase me. :o) i kinda thought it was funny. they should be a couple...a couple of fatties that is! ah hahahahaha! (i've still got it) but you know, i will admit he managed to get under my skin and hurt my feelings tonight with a stupid mean comment that he only said to piss me off (inside thing w/me and him). i was just about to fire back w/a mean comment about him for some sort of immature reason too but quickly bit my tongue when i thought (yes, i actually thought before speaking...what's getting into me?) that i'd be only putting myself on his level if i tried to defend myself w/come-backs. no one thought he was funny, so i looked away, looked at j.allen for a second (reassurance...it's lame, but if i see her notice something, i can tell by the look on her face if i should consider myself okay & then i feel like i'm not a loser anymore...sometimes she makes me feel better w/out having to really do anything and she doesn't even know it) and waited for the subject change. maybe this is proof that i'm done w/drama and am seriously just putting his constant charade behind me. what was i ever thinking? or was i at all?
horray for putting the past where it belongs!
now i'm home, and i actually am sleepy...and sore for some reason...and i have a headache...so bed sounds like my best friend for the night.
i know who i'll be dreaming about.
love,
amber
we had a talk that went from interesting to crappy to okay and back. hopefully it'll all work out okay. she and i both need to do the right thing...whenever we figure out what it is. maybe we should just both make a good friend? maybe i need to accept that i'm a loser and watch her win this? maybe that would break my heart. who knows....but what i do know is this: i finally cried. it was nice. made me fee like me again.
saw david w/a girl he's apparently fucked a few times. didn't phase me. :o) i kinda thought it was funny. they should be a couple...a couple of fatties that is! ah hahahahaha! (i've still got it) but you know, i will admit he managed to get under my skin and hurt my feelings tonight with a stupid mean comment that he only said to piss me off (inside thing w/me and him). i was just about to fire back w/a mean comment about him for some sort of immature reason too but quickly bit my tongue when i thought (yes, i actually thought before speaking...what's getting into me?) that i'd be only putting myself on his level if i tried to defend myself w/come-backs. no one thought he was funny, so i looked away, looked at j.allen for a second (reassurance...it's lame, but if i see her notice something, i can tell by the look on her face if i should consider myself okay & then i feel like i'm not a loser anymore...sometimes she makes me feel better w/out having to really do anything and she doesn't even know it) and waited for the subject change. maybe this is proof that i'm done w/drama and am seriously just putting his constant charade behind me. what was i ever thinking? or was i at all?
horray for putting the past where it belongs!
now i'm home, and i actually am sleepy...and sore for some reason...and i have a headache...so bed sounds like my best friend for the night.
i know who i'll be dreaming about.
love,
amber