(no subject)
so i just got home after an interesting/fun/depressing night.
one of those nights where you know you're spending time that you'll never forget, time that's so worth everything. time you wouldn't want to trade, but time none-the-less where you start to see small hints of the truth that's been hiding from you. either that, or you just refused all along to look. i don't know which one is me. maybe a little of both.
it was supposed to be an awesome night. i was excited to see everyone i saw last night and have a great time, b/c last night was so much fun. it didn't end up that way. it was random, but about 1/2 way into the night, i kinda got the vibe that i was getting on my bff's nerves. she didn't want me to sit next to her. and she told me right to my face. i didn't know what to think/do b/c for some reason, i turn into a little lost soul when i know i'm upsetting her. like, if i'm okay in her book, i'm okay in my own. that shouldn't be right, but it's how i feel when i know i'm annoying someone.
so anyways, i go sit w/other people. things are fine. i'm asking questions, and talking about myself...not so much to validate anything i've done recently, but to sort-of tell my side. like, maybe if anyone else in the world could just understand me, i wouldn't feel like i was such a crappy person, b/c just maybe, someone else might have done what i did? i don't know. but basically i just got told how it is. and there's nothing wrong with that. all i want is the truth. everyone told me that yea, they can see where i'm coming from, and that what i did wasn't necessarily so terrible, it's just that i personally need to be able to work through issues and not take everyone else seriously when i think they are talking about me.
i say, 'hey i think ali doesn't like me' and i hear 'oh, you take attention from her and she doesn't like that. that's all. don't worry about her, she's a bitch' but i'm thinking, i don't want the attention. and i don't think ali is a bitch. so what do i do. and i say 'i think j.allen is mad at me.' and i hear 'oh, don't worry about her, she's just always in a bad mood' and i think ... hm..she was fine earlier. and then i say 'i've been handling things wrong' and i hear 'oh, well, i just said things b/c i was upset you got in a relationship.' and 'dude, whatever, he doesn't matter anyhow. you're totally fine.' and i think ... no, i messed up, i want to fix it, and it's killing me that people think i'm a bad person.
i think lately, maybe i really haven't been myself? i'm not used to people ever talking about me in a bad way. i'm not used to people really having opinions of me or problems with me. and if they do, why can't they talk to me straight about it, because i feel like i could work it out. i'm not such a horrible person. i want to make up for any way that i've hurt anyone. and i want to stop always hearing such different things. if you say something to me, and something different behind my back, it's going to confuse me and hurt me b/c i don't know what to do. and it's like, i know my bff wants me to stay away from someone, and i try to listen, but then she sits and talks to him and is nice to his face, when all i hear is how she hates the way he acts nice to her and talks behind her back. but then, aren't we all guilty of the same thing?? she's doing it to. and i'm so honest. and i'm so easily hurt, that all i want to do is tell you everything and have everything be okay because the truth will save me. and everyone is so against me right now. at least that's how it seems. i have so many people that listen to me now, and tell me what they think, but it's worthless if it's not fixing the situation. ugh.
something else...all i feel right now is that i want to cry my eyes out, but when i try, no tears come. i'm one of those people who cry durring commercials...that cries when i see a stray cat, that cries when i think about old people, or other people being sad. i'm emo, by all definitions...........and i can't cry. someone tell me where my hearts gone. i need it back.
and i got invited to go to the lake tomorrow w/kristen (who i now LOVE) but j.allen got invited too, and first, and if she's irritated with me, i don't want to go b/c i'd hate to ruin her good time b/c i know she's stoked to go. it'll be her first time there. ugh. it's so sad that the best thing i can do is stay away from people. and i just want to be close to everyone right now. it's bad timing...and what can i say other than 'i guess i deserve it.' just...someone tell me why. b/c i wouldn't wish this on anyone. and i know deep down, i'm not bad. there's nothing i wouldn't do for anyone.
this sucks. and seriously, all it comes down to, is that i tried to be a little selfish for once and i just can't do it. A) it's not me B) everyone knows it's not me C) it hurts people i care about.
EVERYONE, FORGIVE ME AND DON'T HATE ME AND LOVE ME BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
it's rediculous how weird i feel right now. i need my bff here to talk to me. and i feel like i'm the last person she wants to see. and i don't have a clue in the world why.
i just want to scream
one of those nights where you know you're spending time that you'll never forget, time that's so worth everything. time you wouldn't want to trade, but time none-the-less where you start to see small hints of the truth that's been hiding from you. either that, or you just refused all along to look. i don't know which one is me. maybe a little of both.
it was supposed to be an awesome night. i was excited to see everyone i saw last night and have a great time, b/c last night was so much fun. it didn't end up that way. it was random, but about 1/2 way into the night, i kinda got the vibe that i was getting on my bff's nerves. she didn't want me to sit next to her. and she told me right to my face. i didn't know what to think/do b/c for some reason, i turn into a little lost soul when i know i'm upsetting her. like, if i'm okay in her book, i'm okay in my own. that shouldn't be right, but it's how i feel when i know i'm annoying someone.
so anyways, i go sit w/other people. things are fine. i'm asking questions, and talking about myself...not so much to validate anything i've done recently, but to sort-of tell my side. like, maybe if anyone else in the world could just understand me, i wouldn't feel like i was such a crappy person, b/c just maybe, someone else might have done what i did? i don't know. but basically i just got told how it is. and there's nothing wrong with that. all i want is the truth. everyone told me that yea, they can see where i'm coming from, and that what i did wasn't necessarily so terrible, it's just that i personally need to be able to work through issues and not take everyone else seriously when i think they are talking about me.
i say, 'hey i think ali doesn't like me' and i hear 'oh, you take attention from her and she doesn't like that. that's all. don't worry about her, she's a bitch' but i'm thinking, i don't want the attention. and i don't think ali is a bitch. so what do i do. and i say 'i think j.allen is mad at me.' and i hear 'oh, don't worry about her, she's just always in a bad mood' and i think ... hm..she was fine earlier. and then i say 'i've been handling things wrong' and i hear 'oh, well, i just said things b/c i was upset you got in a relationship.' and 'dude, whatever, he doesn't matter anyhow. you're totally fine.' and i think ... no, i messed up, i want to fix it, and it's killing me that people think i'm a bad person.
i think lately, maybe i really haven't been myself? i'm not used to people ever talking about me in a bad way. i'm not used to people really having opinions of me or problems with me. and if they do, why can't they talk to me straight about it, because i feel like i could work it out. i'm not such a horrible person. i want to make up for any way that i've hurt anyone. and i want to stop always hearing such different things. if you say something to me, and something different behind my back, it's going to confuse me and hurt me b/c i don't know what to do. and it's like, i know my bff wants me to stay away from someone, and i try to listen, but then she sits and talks to him and is nice to his face, when all i hear is how she hates the way he acts nice to her and talks behind her back. but then, aren't we all guilty of the same thing?? she's doing it to. and i'm so honest. and i'm so easily hurt, that all i want to do is tell you everything and have everything be okay because the truth will save me. and everyone is so against me right now. at least that's how it seems. i have so many people that listen to me now, and tell me what they think, but it's worthless if it's not fixing the situation. ugh.
something else...all i feel right now is that i want to cry my eyes out, but when i try, no tears come. i'm one of those people who cry durring commercials...that cries when i see a stray cat, that cries when i think about old people, or other people being sad. i'm emo, by all definitions...........and i can't cry. someone tell me where my hearts gone. i need it back.
and i got invited to go to the lake tomorrow w/kristen (who i now LOVE) but j.allen got invited too, and first, and if she's irritated with me, i don't want to go b/c i'd hate to ruin her good time b/c i know she's stoked to go. it'll be her first time there. ugh. it's so sad that the best thing i can do is stay away from people. and i just want to be close to everyone right now. it's bad timing...and what can i say other than 'i guess i deserve it.' just...someone tell me why. b/c i wouldn't wish this on anyone. and i know deep down, i'm not bad. there's nothing i wouldn't do for anyone.
this sucks. and seriously, all it comes down to, is that i tried to be a little selfish for once and i just can't do it. A) it's not me B) everyone knows it's not me C) it hurts people i care about.
EVERYONE, FORGIVE ME AND DON'T HATE ME AND LOVE ME BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
it's rediculous how weird i feel right now. i need my bff here to talk to me. and i feel like i'm the last person she wants to see. and i don't have a clue in the world why.
i just want to scream