stand by me
Hey LJ,
Is it wrong to want complete loyalty? I feel so sad. I'm listening to Jason Mraz's cover of stand by me and I really want someone to stand by me. I guess we all do. I'm feeling comprimised and sad. I know that that's a lot to ask but everyone deserves to have someone you can always count, so one whose true and loyal to you. I just called Adam and I am angry with him. I feel like he's made this little community with Ellie Jess and Melody that doesn't include me 'cuz I'm the fifth wheel, I feel like he's found something better. I know I should support him in this because I want for him what he wants its just that Adam's been there for me more than most and its like he's left his post so that he can finally be happy. I don't mean to be dramatic I'm just feeling so melancholic about it. I mean I talked to Stephanie tonight and we're friends again but the big thing with her was that she didn't stand by me. Not completely and our friendship ended because of it. I realize that it wasn't a great situation to be in and I don't blame her anymore or resent her. As soon as heard life was rocky with her from Jacky I had to get in touch with her and be there for her. All the resentment I had couldn't hide how much I cared about her. Adam was supposed to take me to see underworld 2 with him, it was something we had both been planning for a long time. He started dating Ellie and its like his priorities drastically shifted, like when casey was dating scott. He tried to get in touch with me and was given the rub by little brother because he's a jackass but I feel like Adam uses my situation as an excuse, Like he didn't want me there with him and Ellie. I mean underworld was our thing. And now its not. I feel like we no longer share a common bond besides a job. I'm so independant all the time because I have to be and I have so few people I can count and its like I can't even do that, Like i have to bear the whole world on my shoulder like Atlas. I have to do it all alone. That scares me so much, being completely by myself. There has to be some one out there who can be there and who will always be there for me. I completely understand Adam's priority with Ellie it's just that it shows me how alone I really am. I'm not saying anything against those guys, to tell you the truth I love them being together its just my insecurities are put on display. I know how completely unreasonable it is to expect someone to live for you, because is that not loyalty but to be true to a person and everything they are. I definately can't keep on expecting that from my friends like Stephanie, like Adam, its just I feel like I need that kind of devotion. I want to give someone else that kind of devotion to, I did to Stephanie and Adam its just I get hurt. A lot of this has to do with filling in the wholes that my family left, I need support. I have to be so strong all the time and feel so different than everyone else. To be honest I hate society and most people. I need somebody who I don't hate, like adam and steph, but who will be complete in loyalty. The more I write this I realize what I'm asking for goes beyond friendship. There I go again trying to fill in wholes with other ones. Let's just start knew, I have these wholes and I'll always have them but I need something so possitive that its greater than what I've lost. It's not easy keeping myself together, its painful and tough and depressing. I don't want to feel alone anymore.
Is it wrong to want complete loyalty? I feel so sad. I'm listening to Jason Mraz's cover of stand by me and I really want someone to stand by me. I guess we all do. I'm feeling comprimised and sad. I know that that's a lot to ask but everyone deserves to have someone you can always count, so one whose true and loyal to you. I just called Adam and I am angry with him. I feel like he's made this little community with Ellie Jess and Melody that doesn't include me 'cuz I'm the fifth wheel, I feel like he's found something better. I know I should support him in this because I want for him what he wants its just that Adam's been there for me more than most and its like he's left his post so that he can finally be happy. I don't mean to be dramatic I'm just feeling so melancholic about it. I mean I talked to Stephanie tonight and we're friends again but the big thing with her was that she didn't stand by me. Not completely and our friendship ended because of it. I realize that it wasn't a great situation to be in and I don't blame her anymore or resent her. As soon as heard life was rocky with her from Jacky I had to get in touch with her and be there for her. All the resentment I had couldn't hide how much I cared about her. Adam was supposed to take me to see underworld 2 with him, it was something we had both been planning for a long time. He started dating Ellie and its like his priorities drastically shifted, like when casey was dating scott. He tried to get in touch with me and was given the rub by little brother because he's a jackass but I feel like Adam uses my situation as an excuse, Like he didn't want me there with him and Ellie. I mean underworld was our thing. And now its not. I feel like we no longer share a common bond besides a job. I'm so independant all the time because I have to be and I have so few people I can count and its like I can't even do that, Like i have to bear the whole world on my shoulder like Atlas. I have to do it all alone. That scares me so much, being completely by myself. There has to be some one out there who can be there and who will always be there for me. I completely understand Adam's priority with Ellie it's just that it shows me how alone I really am. I'm not saying anything against those guys, to tell you the truth I love them being together its just my insecurities are put on display. I know how completely unreasonable it is to expect someone to live for you, because is that not loyalty but to be true to a person and everything they are. I definately can't keep on expecting that from my friends like Stephanie, like Adam, its just I feel like I need that kind of devotion. I want to give someone else that kind of devotion to, I did to Stephanie and Adam its just I get hurt. A lot of this has to do with filling in the wholes that my family left, I need support. I have to be so strong all the time and feel so different than everyone else. To be honest I hate society and most people. I need somebody who I don't hate, like adam and steph, but who will be complete in loyalty. The more I write this I realize what I'm asking for goes beyond friendship. There I go again trying to fill in wholes with other ones. Let's just start knew, I have these wholes and I'll always have them but I need something so possitive that its greater than what I've lost. It's not easy keeping myself together, its painful and tough and depressing. I don't want to feel alone anymore.