One year...
Today has been one year since mom made her transition... I still cant believe she's been gone a year already... it just doesnt seem real. I vary from being ok.. bouncing.. singing to the radio... so crying my eyes out and feeling like I just cant go on.
I was gonna go up today to the canyons... hike in and.. well.. just whatever whatever... but now I realize how stupid I was being in that thought... there are some serious bear issues.. and although I would have welcomed a fight with a bear... I realize how self destructive I'm being to myself again...
I question everything in my life... like Paul... right now.. he's going to Yosemite to hike and stuff.. and he didnt tell me till yesterday.. when I asked if he was gonna go hiking today... his usual after church activity... then I asked.. so you going with a group I hope! Its more fun then alone... and he said.. yah.. going with some people... that was it... he doesnt tell me stuff.. or when he does.. its like.. nothing... blah.. I feel insecure and wonder if he's seeing someone else... then think I know him well enough to know he wouldnt do that to me... he goes hot and cold lately... to being short.. or I take it as him being short with me... then being his usual... he's never been overly affectionate, but somewhat sometimes... just lately... gah... so I start thinking... I can deal with it.. if he wanted to end it.. I could deal with it... I've been alone before... not like we're really together anyways, what with 2000 miles seperating us... why am I doing this? Tig... you know me... probably better than most... is this just me doing my usual thing? get so close then have to pull away and run? or do you sense anything? You have that gift... you always know... so.. what am I doing? Am I wrong to stick it out... just hope he's my lovebunny still.. or should I just walk away now and let him move on with his life there without me?
A month ago, I couldnt picture life without him... now I'm thinking it might be better for both of us... but is it just me running... lol.. the runaway bride... poor james.. I was looking at his picture this morning.. he was such a sweet guy.. I just got scared.. I broke his heart.. twice... I always knew with him though.. he called me and told me how much I meant to him often.. he'd send me cards in the mail just to let me know he was thinking of me... and thats another thing.. I dont expect a lot... but Paul never sends me little emails anymore just to say he was thinking of me... he's never sent me a card in the mail.. I stopped sending him cards.... and he's never said anything about that either... gah.. waht the hell am I doing? This is just me being stupid right? I should shake it off and just continue before I ruin what I have right? I knew Paul wasnt as expressive as James and it didnt bother me overly before.. so why now is it something I'm freaking out about? Its not like he's stopped so that would be a glaring red light flashing to indicate he's out of character.. this is his character... he's not mushy like me... and I was fine with it before... gah... ok.. so besides that...
Today I am going to my friend Johns house. Him and his wife Karen and their teenager son Trevor and his gf are all having Thanksgiving dinner.. and they invited me =) So I'm gonna go over there and just enjoy good company and food... not be alone.. not inviting bears to make me their thanksgiving dinner.. just... being ok with being.. =) If thats possible.. just hope I dont break down in the middle of dinner and start crying =) that would suck... they know.. think thats why John invited me.. I also get to go hunting with them tomorrow... not that I like hunting.. but I dont have to be alone... just get out and have fun with friends... it shall be lovely!!! =) And hopefully they get the moose they are after... I dont like game meats... but they do.. so thats cool.. not like its just sport hunting.. they will actually use it and appreciate it... so thats cool.. I might take my slingshot just to screw around with.. who knows.. maybe I'll bag a grouse... they taste like chicken... I think...
So.. I think I'm gonna disappear.. go have a coffee with Sherie before I go to John's... I know she's having a tough time with this year anniversary too... just doesnt seem real... god I miss her.
I was gonna go up today to the canyons... hike in and.. well.. just whatever whatever... but now I realize how stupid I was being in that thought... there are some serious bear issues.. and although I would have welcomed a fight with a bear... I realize how self destructive I'm being to myself again...
I question everything in my life... like Paul... right now.. he's going to Yosemite to hike and stuff.. and he didnt tell me till yesterday.. when I asked if he was gonna go hiking today... his usual after church activity... then I asked.. so you going with a group I hope! Its more fun then alone... and he said.. yah.. going with some people... that was it... he doesnt tell me stuff.. or when he does.. its like.. nothing... blah.. I feel insecure and wonder if he's seeing someone else... then think I know him well enough to know he wouldnt do that to me... he goes hot and cold lately... to being short.. or I take it as him being short with me... then being his usual... he's never been overly affectionate, but somewhat sometimes... just lately... gah... so I start thinking... I can deal with it.. if he wanted to end it.. I could deal with it... I've been alone before... not like we're really together anyways, what with 2000 miles seperating us... why am I doing this? Tig... you know me... probably better than most... is this just me doing my usual thing? get so close then have to pull away and run? or do you sense anything? You have that gift... you always know... so.. what am I doing? Am I wrong to stick it out... just hope he's my lovebunny still.. or should I just walk away now and let him move on with his life there without me?
A month ago, I couldnt picture life without him... now I'm thinking it might be better for both of us... but is it just me running... lol.. the runaway bride... poor james.. I was looking at his picture this morning.. he was such a sweet guy.. I just got scared.. I broke his heart.. twice... I always knew with him though.. he called me and told me how much I meant to him often.. he'd send me cards in the mail just to let me know he was thinking of me... and thats another thing.. I dont expect a lot... but Paul never sends me little emails anymore just to say he was thinking of me... he's never sent me a card in the mail.. I stopped sending him cards.... and he's never said anything about that either... gah.. waht the hell am I doing? This is just me being stupid right? I should shake it off and just continue before I ruin what I have right? I knew Paul wasnt as expressive as James and it didnt bother me overly before.. so why now is it something I'm freaking out about? Its not like he's stopped so that would be a glaring red light flashing to indicate he's out of character.. this is his character... he's not mushy like me... and I was fine with it before... gah... ok.. so besides that...
Today I am going to my friend Johns house. Him and his wife Karen and their teenager son Trevor and his gf are all having Thanksgiving dinner.. and they invited me =) So I'm gonna go over there and just enjoy good company and food... not be alone.. not inviting bears to make me their thanksgiving dinner.. just... being ok with being.. =) If thats possible.. just hope I dont break down in the middle of dinner and start crying =) that would suck... they know.. think thats why John invited me.. I also get to go hunting with them tomorrow... not that I like hunting.. but I dont have to be alone... just get out and have fun with friends... it shall be lovely!!! =) And hopefully they get the moose they are after... I dont like game meats... but they do.. so thats cool.. not like its just sport hunting.. they will actually use it and appreciate it... so thats cool.. I might take my slingshot just to screw around with.. who knows.. maybe I'll bag a grouse... they taste like chicken... I think...
So.. I think I'm gonna disappear.. go have a coffee with Sherie before I go to John's... I know she's having a tough time with this year anniversary too... just doesnt seem real... god I miss her.