INSTRUCTIONS FOR BEING A NORMAL PERSON
A dog is tied to a tree outside a fenceless house.
[This is obviously not set in Singapore, because (a) you have to be a millionaire to own landed property, and (b) if you own landed property, you’ll put up the best fence money can buy. Funny, that. The rich have more to lose so they get paranoid about losing it so they build fences and install security systems. The rich have bigger houses and they fill it up with more things and so they hire live-in helpers to clean the houses and the things, but then they get paranoid about their things being stolen so they install security cameras to keep their eyes on the helpers. Won’t someone help the rich? (On the other hand, poor people don’t have anything to lose so they can save money on fences and security cameras - not that they could afford it.)]
The dog feels the collar around his neck. He knows that there is only so far he can wander before he starts tugging on the rope and hurts his neck. Sooner or later the dog stops breaching the limits of the rope. He stops just before the limit, as if he is contented with his little circle of territory around the tree, as if he doesn’t need to go anywhere else. One day you could remove his collar and he would still stay within his circle.
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Instructions For Being A Normal Person in Singapore (Female Version)
1. Meet a boy in university. NUS or NTU. Nowadays you can also go to SMU if you are cool or young enough.
2. He will propose a few years after graduation after he saves up 2 months of his salary on a 0.5 or 0.75 carat ring from Poh Heng. Go on honeymoon to Phuket or the Maldives or, if he’s rich, somewhere in Europe.
3. Together, apply for a HDB flat.
4. Pop out 1 or 2 kids, get the baby bonus (or not, depending on the policy du jour).
5. Have your parents take care of the baby while you’re at work, and then after work have dinner with them before taking the child home. Rinse and repeat, 5 days a week.
6. When your child turns 5, move to a flat within 1 kilometre of a popular primary school so that you can have priority.
7. Encourage your kids to become doctors, lawyers, engineers, architects, and dentists. Pack their weekday evenings and weekends with tuition and enrichment classes. Express grave concern if they show interest in becoming artists or musicians or such other creative types.
8. Discourage your kids from moving out of the family home until they enter university overseas (in which case they must move back home immediately upon graduation), or until they get married, whichever occurs earlier. Express grave concern if they desire to do otherwise.
9. Discuss retirement with your colleagues, showing especial interest in Perth (good weather and only 5 hours flight away in case something happens to your own elderly parents), Penang (basically Thailand except with char kuay teow and oyster omelette), and New Zealand (they have a lot of land so houses must be cheap).
10. Worry about your unmarried children and bug them into replicating Steps 1 thru 9 above. Tell them that you’ll look after their kids and that they may as well have some while they’re still young.
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Life in Singapore can be tricky for a 30-year old single woman living alone and who isn’t particular keen on children. People assume you are not local and that your parents didn’t teach you enough (kurang ajar) and that you don’t have ASIAN VALUES.
ASIAN VALUES means you must demonstrate Confucian attributes of filial piety and gratitude, non-confrontation of authority figures, respect for people older than you (even if only by a year) as your elders, reverence for your lineage, and recognition that your duty is to create a nuclear family in order to perpetuate that lineage.
ASIAN VALUES means you always remember that the word for ‘nation’ (guo jia) comprises 2 characters: guo for country, and jia for home. No country no home, and vice versa. Go forth and breed. For make benefit glorious 5,000 year heritage of Chinese people.
(But don’t ever mistake us for China Chinese. We are Singaporean Chinese. It is very different. Thus spake the Diaspora.)
[This is obviously not set in Singapore, because (a) you have to be a millionaire to own landed property, and (b) if you own landed property, you’ll put up the best fence money can buy. Funny, that. The rich have more to lose so they get paranoid about losing it so they build fences and install security systems. The rich have bigger houses and they fill it up with more things and so they hire live-in helpers to clean the houses and the things, but then they get paranoid about their things being stolen so they install security cameras to keep their eyes on the helpers. Won’t someone help the rich? (On the other hand, poor people don’t have anything to lose so they can save money on fences and security cameras - not that they could afford it.)]
The dog feels the collar around his neck. He knows that there is only so far he can wander before he starts tugging on the rope and hurts his neck. Sooner or later the dog stops breaching the limits of the rope. He stops just before the limit, as if he is contented with his little circle of territory around the tree, as if he doesn’t need to go anywhere else. One day you could remove his collar and he would still stay within his circle.
---
Instructions For Being A Normal Person in Singapore (Female Version)
1. Meet a boy in university. NUS or NTU. Nowadays you can also go to SMU if you are cool or young enough.
2. He will propose a few years after graduation after he saves up 2 months of his salary on a 0.5 or 0.75 carat ring from Poh Heng. Go on honeymoon to Phuket or the Maldives or, if he’s rich, somewhere in Europe.
3. Together, apply for a HDB flat.
4. Pop out 1 or 2 kids, get the baby bonus (or not, depending on the policy du jour).
5. Have your parents take care of the baby while you’re at work, and then after work have dinner with them before taking the child home. Rinse and repeat, 5 days a week.
6. When your child turns 5, move to a flat within 1 kilometre of a popular primary school so that you can have priority.
7. Encourage your kids to become doctors, lawyers, engineers, architects, and dentists. Pack their weekday evenings and weekends with tuition and enrichment classes. Express grave concern if they show interest in becoming artists or musicians or such other creative types.
8. Discourage your kids from moving out of the family home until they enter university overseas (in which case they must move back home immediately upon graduation), or until they get married, whichever occurs earlier. Express grave concern if they desire to do otherwise.
9. Discuss retirement with your colleagues, showing especial interest in Perth (good weather and only 5 hours flight away in case something happens to your own elderly parents), Penang (basically Thailand except with char kuay teow and oyster omelette), and New Zealand (they have a lot of land so houses must be cheap).
10. Worry about your unmarried children and bug them into replicating Steps 1 thru 9 above. Tell them that you’ll look after their kids and that they may as well have some while they’re still young.
--
Life in Singapore can be tricky for a 30-year old single woman living alone and who isn’t particular keen on children. People assume you are not local and that your parents didn’t teach you enough (kurang ajar) and that you don’t have ASIAN VALUES.
ASIAN VALUES means you must demonstrate Confucian attributes of filial piety and gratitude, non-confrontation of authority figures, respect for people older than you (even if only by a year) as your elders, reverence for your lineage, and recognition that your duty is to create a nuclear family in order to perpetuate that lineage.
ASIAN VALUES means you always remember that the word for ‘nation’ (guo jia) comprises 2 characters: guo for country, and jia for home. No country no home, and vice versa. Go forth and breed. For make benefit glorious 5,000 year heritage of Chinese people.
(But don’t ever mistake us for China Chinese. We are Singaporean Chinese. It is very different. Thus spake the Diaspora.)