life is good...
so im here at my dad's. it was a good day. we spent time together. we talked. i didnt get to talk enough. it was pretty superficial. he got mad at me, and i took off. i want to go for a drive with him. i'm sitting here watching the daily show and just thinking about life. i would love to spend the summer here. in the river everyday. no stress. my dad is uber laid back and it rubs off on me. i think i've had too much of my mother she is too high strung and she freeks out over shit that wont happen until the end of the summer. it's really hard for me.
if i dont go to mackinac i want to be here.
it's peaceful.
its calm
it's normal.
it's my daddy.
i felt just like a nine year old back in that canoe with my dad. he had no idea what all those memories mean to me. all the time spent out at the pond catching frogs, tubing in the river, driving, canoeing and going up north.... those were the days. they were so simple than. i was too youndg and naiive to understand it all, but i loved the shit out of my dad. he was so carefree with us when he was sober. he was so gentle and compassionate and loving.. what a daddy. he remembers me with nostalgia too. he was telling reese how great i was at everything when i was ten. i was the smartest, fastest, greatest fourth grader ever. i miss those days. i used to go to my dad's every weekend and read books and play in the pond, ride bikes and go to church. my faith was a shit ton stronger than. we were members of a non-denominational church (dont tell the catholic schools). it was... beautiful. finding golf balls in the river, spending all day picking up shells, climbing trees and playing horseshoes... i want that for my children. lunch at noon snacks and dinner.
now i dont get yelled at as much by my dad. he's realizing that im what they call a "grown up" now. i think it's just hard for him to grasp b/c he missed a huge chunk of my life. he missed my entire transition from a child to a woman (aka adolescentce) he can't see me as anything more than the little ten year old tad-pole catcher extraordinaire. go figure i would turn into a relatively well-rounded human being one day. he knows it's no thanks to him. i think he's understanding now more than ever. i dont ever expect apologies or ammends from him. i just want a dad.
one thing i've been thinking about all day is that perhaps parents aren't meant to be friends. i think my dad is afraid to bridge that gap. i always envisioned growing up and being able to talk to my parents about my life and they would understand. he doesnt really understand b/c he lived a very different life when he was nineteen. he had a wife and a baby.. GOD DAMN. but we talked about it today. he tries to relate and i'm aloud to tell him that i drink tequila to celebrate cinco de mayo and smoke cigarettes in front of him b/c i am old enoug.. well.. not the drinking but he knows he was doing it when he was my age so boo... i dont feel like i need a father figure now. i feel like i need a friend. ya know? i want to relate to him and he is busy all the while telling me i need new friends if they drink on cinco de mayo... silly dad..
i dont know where i'm going- i'm just rambling b/c i have nothing much else to do. waiting for dinner. i had sandwiches and soup and chips and cereal today. now we're having some... i dont know but its BBQ and chicken and burrito and ... goodness. i'm eagerly anticipating it. and after that... hopefully we will go on a drive. my daddy taught me how to drive when i was eleven years old in his 1978 full ton ford truck... it was... the highlight of my life up until that point..oh daddy... i love him.
if i dont go to mackinac i want to be here.
it's peaceful.
its calm
it's normal.
it's my daddy.
i felt just like a nine year old back in that canoe with my dad. he had no idea what all those memories mean to me. all the time spent out at the pond catching frogs, tubing in the river, driving, canoeing and going up north.... those were the days. they were so simple than. i was too youndg and naiive to understand it all, but i loved the shit out of my dad. he was so carefree with us when he was sober. he was so gentle and compassionate and loving.. what a daddy. he remembers me with nostalgia too. he was telling reese how great i was at everything when i was ten. i was the smartest, fastest, greatest fourth grader ever. i miss those days. i used to go to my dad's every weekend and read books and play in the pond, ride bikes and go to church. my faith was a shit ton stronger than. we were members of a non-denominational church (dont tell the catholic schools). it was... beautiful. finding golf balls in the river, spending all day picking up shells, climbing trees and playing horseshoes... i want that for my children. lunch at noon snacks and dinner.
now i dont get yelled at as much by my dad. he's realizing that im what they call a "grown up" now. i think it's just hard for him to grasp b/c he missed a huge chunk of my life. he missed my entire transition from a child to a woman (aka adolescentce) he can't see me as anything more than the little ten year old tad-pole catcher extraordinaire. go figure i would turn into a relatively well-rounded human being one day. he knows it's no thanks to him. i think he's understanding now more than ever. i dont ever expect apologies or ammends from him. i just want a dad.
one thing i've been thinking about all day is that perhaps parents aren't meant to be friends. i think my dad is afraid to bridge that gap. i always envisioned growing up and being able to talk to my parents about my life and they would understand. he doesnt really understand b/c he lived a very different life when he was nineteen. he had a wife and a baby.. GOD DAMN. but we talked about it today. he tries to relate and i'm aloud to tell him that i drink tequila to celebrate cinco de mayo and smoke cigarettes in front of him b/c i am old enoug.. well.. not the drinking but he knows he was doing it when he was my age so boo... i dont feel like i need a father figure now. i feel like i need a friend. ya know? i want to relate to him and he is busy all the while telling me i need new friends if they drink on cinco de mayo... silly dad..
i dont know where i'm going- i'm just rambling b/c i have nothing much else to do. waiting for dinner. i had sandwiches and soup and chips and cereal today. now we're having some... i dont know but its BBQ and chicken and burrito and ... goodness. i'm eagerly anticipating it. and after that... hopefully we will go on a drive. my daddy taught me how to drive when i was eleven years old in his 1978 full ton ford truck... it was... the highlight of my life up until that point..oh daddy... i love him.