Oh the ways we realize things all work out fine...
The past week has been one big life changing event in respect to my feelings towards the opposite sex. It’s been a week long affair with a man I may never get in the end but who opened up to me in a way I knew I deserved. No more childish games, no more being bitchy, being confused. If you can feel it, if you can see it in their eyes, you know its right, for how ever long it may be…
It started out with me throwing biscuits at his head whilst at Jen’s for a Thanksgiving party. We spent the majority of the night talking away about this and that, the whole “this is what I do, this is what I want to do” tango. We went through the playful stage and wrestled in the hallway and did the whole flirting performance. By the end of the night, I was overly curious what a kiss would be like. I was curious about who else he was, what was behind those eyes and why they looked at me with a hope and an intimidation. I wanted to know how he would feel against me and all those things we naturally wonder when we feel a strong attraction to someone. The night went until 4 when I left and it was ended with a suggestive handshake and deep longing in our eyes. Something was there.
Then a week ago, he saunters back into view and we soon realize how apparent the effects are that we have on one another. It’s as though we are helping each other heal the past and make sense of the life to come. I think he is the one who is going to save me from a line of guys that would be the same as the line already behind me. He is going to be the one who saves me period. He’s taught me what I deserve, what I need and what I like, and most of all what it’s like to finally have something fulfilling. On his part, I’ve exposed him to a girl who is not crazy or evil or manipulative etc…but a girl who’s relaxed and not out to change him. One that is simple about it and none of the bullshit. The jist of what he said was he didn’t know girls came like me because he’d never found one, until now. Except we can’t get too attached. It’s not permanent, in fact he leaves in 3 days and we are both smarter than trying to keep something going from 9 hours apart. Of course there will be phone calls and emails and such but life is going to occupy us a lot this semester. It’s hard to know this; hard to look in his eyes when we are alone and know he is just out of reach. That’s life though, take things for what they are and try and make the best out of it in the end. There is always a chance for someday but there also might not be. But that’s life.
It’s just so awakening to finally have closure on the past few fear years and to realize why. I just needed to feel something real. So real that I can admit its flaws and the possibility it may not even happen, but enjoy it just the same. I hold no expectations and I appreciate everything that happens. It’s a strange wave of emotions but strangely satisfying.
All the while, I know it will be worth it.