(no subject)
I feel so exhausted.
Every time there's a challenging time, I need to then scour the internet because I feel like I have no other resource, no other support. Family brushes our concerns about our son aside; I have no parenting friends; I have almost no friends to connect with (beyond one, but I don't want to be excessive in regaling all of this); my therapist doesn't believe in "labels" like autism; I think I've just spent two and a half hours researching Autism and PDA yet again because I'm convinced my son has it, but the entire universe seems to want to gaslight my observations.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who can see the patterns and challenges.
I'm tired of listening to my sister-in-law always "one-up" me on the "well, if you think your child is challenging, just wait until you hear how my son...." - I'm not telling her these things because I want to compete. I'm telling her because I need an outlet! I just need to tell someone.
I'm tired of not knowing where to go to find support for my son (or for me because clearly the therapist I thought I could trust can't actually help me and also invalidated me).
I'm tired of the pediatrician seeing us for all of ten minutes and when we do our best to recall examples, she simply nods, types something, and acts like everything is normal and she'll see us again in 'x' months--revolving door where nothing happens. I have finally written down as extensively as I can all the things I've observed: we'll see what she says at the next appointment I guess, but I'm going to assume her reaction will be the exact same despite all of my compiled evidence.
I'm tired of freaking out about how kindergarten will go for my son, the social aspect, rules aspect, one teacher aspect, aaaand because he hasn't yet potty trained and shows almost no interest or seems to have no clue about when he needs to pee or poo, and even with charts and sticker rewards, we have to be constantly discussing the potty, or he'll never even try (did I mention I'm exhausted?), but if we discuss it too much, he'll push back, or if it's a demand, "time to go potty" he'll simply say "no." It's hard trying to make everything an engaging game.
I'm tired of doing his pretend play for him (creating stories for his dolls and play things that he will then script back or ask me to play over and over again).
I'm tired knowing I haven't taken the downtime I desperately needed tonight and instead sat here crying because I feel like I'm doing everything wrong even though I'm trying so hard to make the best choices, scouring the internet for parenting recommendations, reading the same things I've already read, knowing I did do those things (stayed calm, offered clear choices within limits, followed through, remained consistent, second guessing myself all evening long, replaying everything), yet still feel like I'm the worst parent, and hate feeling like my child is going to have to struggle in life because I wanted to create him and that I'm failing at compiling the tools to give him the support he needs to thrive.
In short, I feel like a depressed mess, and now we can add sleep deprived to the list.