(no subject)
damn, being depressed sucks. But why do I feel sad? I can't possibly change this feeling, I can cover it up with other emotions but when everything else is gone, this is all that is left. But this is only because of myself, this is the degrading state I am, trapped in my own perception and fighting against my own emotions. This is the me when nobody else is around, one that looks for answers that might be impossible to understand, one that looks for an exit that might not even exist. I question myself too much, my feelings, thoughts, and states of mind, what is the nature of those things? I try to not make any excuses to justify my own fault, if I feel bad is because of my own self. But recognizing my own fault doesn't fix the problem, for example: I feel sad because I'm alone, the problem is that I feel sad not that I am alone so I know that I have to change that state of mind but I can't do anything other than cover it up with other things like play games, watch tv, or talk to friends. So the problem is still there, hidden in the depths of my psyche, waiting for circumstances to justify and express itself. That is what I call a psychic aggregate, a part of my psyche that is triggered by some circumstances to create some state of mind. By that analysis I see myself as nothing but a collection of such aggregates, each triggered by its own circumstances, some are opposites and fight against each other for control. Each of those aggregates is in essence self willed, they are like different individuals that constitute the plurality of the myself. So I understand that as long as those aggregates continue to exist, I will continue to be trapped in my own perception and therefore will continue to degrade.
"Is not that many come together to constitute a One. One is broken down into many."
"Is not that many come together to constitute a One. One is broken down into many."