(no subject)
Warning, extremely long, but TL;DR synopsis at bottom:
I have never expressed all of this to anyone, so I'm taking my time to write it all out, now.
After a year and a half of dating, with 1 yr of that time spend living together, my beloved posed that we open our relationship (for sex only.) I said that it was something that I could see myself being okay with, in time. Especially since we had participated in numerous threesomes with other girls. He was ecstatic. So ecstatic, that he wanted to open it right away. Reluctantly, after some same-day discussion and what I still view as unintentional bullying, I agreed. It was something that I knew I'd be interested in, since I was only 19 (he was 29.) I had three long-term relationships since the age of 15 with no longer than two months of being "single" inbetween and I yearned for more sexual experience, but was rather insecure about it. He agreed to some rather juvenile groundrules that I set up. (ex: no repeats, no exes, they don't stay here overnight, don't fall in love, it can't be anyone we'll frequently run into, ((condoms went without saying,)) and a joking "no one extremely prettier than me" to intentionally showcase my still-present insecurities.) Since he owns the house, and I pay nothing other that splitting grocery costs, he gets the house to himself for however long he needs it, if he ever feels crowded by me, and on nights when he has dates, he also gets the house to himself. The rules we set up went for both of us with a couple more understandable stipulations on my end. If I'm going out with a guy then I can't bring him back here, and there was an implied rule against intoxication.
Well, after a little less than a year of him going on dates, and most of the rules gradually falling away with various circumstance along with my insecurities. I was still afraid of losing him to someone else, but I accepted that if that happens, then it's going to happen. There is no way to ever control that, and to try absurdly smothers your partner. I have been able to put myself in his shoes and realize that if I were to ever do the same thing, it would be a fun, lighthearted experience and wouldn't mean that I love him any less. I've become his best little wingman (of sorts). When he succeeds in bedding women (which is rare), I'm happy for him and I give him an "atta boy," I root for him, and I give him advice when he seems to be struggling. I understand that attraction happens in life whether one is in a relationship or not, and it would be relieving to be able to pursue it without shame.
During this time, he set up some more rules. If I were to get laid, then it can't be anyone he might run into at a party, and it can't be anyone I'll see again.
Having started this in Late spring/ early summer or '09, I refrained from taking advantage of the open relationship because I thought of it as being too difficult for several reasons.
Among them:
-He expressed discomfort with me doing it- so if I were to do it, I'd have to knowingly cause him unease, (he told me that his ideal situation was for him to be able to do whatever he wants, and for me not to do anything. He understood that it was unreasonable to say, "I can, and you can't, even though you want to.") He was very afraid of an emotional connection forming and being left for another man.
-I didn't know how to go about it. The only people who seemed to hit on me were customers where I worked (usually "scummy" guys/ men over the age of 40 who I wouldn't even be attracted to anyways.) I didn't go out with friends very often, and I didn't know where to begin meeting people.
Several times, I have found myself experiencing an undenyable chemistry between myself and other men, but I didn't know how to act on it. The first time that I felt any chemistry with another man was with a customer at my workplace. He started coming in every day and flirting with me. When he would come in, there was an undeniable, purely sexual attraction. We hardly ever said any words to one another but the flirtation was powerful. This being the first time I had found someone else to be attracted to, I wanted to pursue it. That I couldn't care less about the guy himself, only the powerful sex-vibes I was getting from him made me really want to spring for it, because it seemed like it would be less of an emotional threat to my partner.
I told him about it, and he mentioned that it violated the "someone you'd frequently see" rule. I was immature, and selfish about it. Though I wasn't kicking and flailing and whining like a child, (we weren't fighting about it, just discussing it.) my personal bias got in the way of my judgement. I pointed out how a lot of the rules we had set up had fallen away on his account. He had gone out on several dates with the same woman several times, girls had slept here overnight, he had convinced me to let him pursue an ex fwb. After about 15 minutes of discussion, he agreed that I could. I talked to the guy the next day, when he came in. That's when I found out that he was moving soon. It seemed even better. I got his phone number that day.
I told my partner about it, and he decided that he really wasn't okay with it. The guy in question may have been a freshman when my partner was a senior, though he didn't remember him. That's when he created the "someone I could run into at a party" rule. He looked up the guy online and he didn't like the look of him (very clean-cut, but looked like a "player" and that "clearly" the guy was going to rip off the condom during sex and I would get an STD/pregnant,) and he thought that I was more emotionally invested than I was. I was upset, but took it in stride. We debated the "I think he looks like a player" as invalid, and I tried to reassure him that I was only interested in sex with this guy, but I made sure that he knows that though it's something I would like to do, his happiness is what's most important, overall. I informed the "other guy" lightly about the situation: "I'm in an open relationship, and my boyfriend agreed to this. He's discovered that he has some issues with this, and it's a no-go. Sorry."
That summer, I went to a party while my partner was in Vegas with his wingman buddy and I drunkenly made out with a guy that I had been fascinated by all night right before we both fell asleep on the last available couch around 5:30 am. I was "friends" on a networking site with this guy, after the last party I went to. Partner was upset, he was looking forward to going to the parties thrown by the homeowners. He was also upset that I had made an emotional connection with another guy. I was honest about my desire to sleep with him. Partner wished that I had done it that night, and gotten it over with. I no longer can go to those parties because the guy might be there (it would upset him too much,) and definitely can't sleep with the guy I made an emotional connection with. We had a long conversation about why everything bothered him. No qualms there, though I still had the desire to, I totally understood and didn't debate his decision. My partner asked me to delete him from my networking site, and erase his phone number. I didn't have his number,
Several months later, I found myself still yearning for new sex. I was no longer at my former workplace. One of my former co-workers and I started going out weekly with one of my ex-coworkers and his friends. My partner had come out with us, once. After about three weeks in a row, I found that one of my ex co-workers friends was flirting with me. I quickly thought things over "he's not bad looking, I'm not attracted to him (partner won't have to worry about ANY sort of attraction,) I could easily avoid him indefinitely by not coming to any events at which he's present because I don't hang out with this persons friends
Here come the problems: The time in which I was trying to abolish my insecurities was spent analyzing my own thoughts and fears (usually in his presence,) and reading anything that I could find on non-monogamy.
I have never expressed all of this to anyone, so I'm taking my time to write it all out, now.
After a year and a half of dating, with 1 yr of that time spend living together, my beloved posed that we open our relationship (for sex only.) I said that it was something that I could see myself being okay with, in time. Especially since we had participated in numerous threesomes with other girls. He was ecstatic. So ecstatic, that he wanted to open it right away. Reluctantly, after some same-day discussion and what I still view as unintentional bullying, I agreed. It was something that I knew I'd be interested in, since I was only 19 (he was 29.) I had three long-term relationships since the age of 15 with no longer than two months of being "single" inbetween and I yearned for more sexual experience, but was rather insecure about it. He agreed to some rather juvenile groundrules that I set up. (ex: no repeats, no exes, they don't stay here overnight, don't fall in love, it can't be anyone we'll frequently run into, ((condoms went without saying,)) and a joking "no one extremely prettier than me" to intentionally showcase my still-present insecurities.) Since he owns the house, and I pay nothing other that splitting grocery costs, he gets the house to himself for however long he needs it, if he ever feels crowded by me, and on nights when he has dates, he also gets the house to himself. The rules we set up went for both of us with a couple more understandable stipulations on my end. If I'm going out with a guy then I can't bring him back here, and there was an implied rule against intoxication.
Well, after a little less than a year of him going on dates, and most of the rules gradually falling away with various circumstance along with my insecurities. I was still afraid of losing him to someone else, but I accepted that if that happens, then it's going to happen. There is no way to ever control that, and to try absurdly smothers your partner. I have been able to put myself in his shoes and realize that if I were to ever do the same thing, it would be a fun, lighthearted experience and wouldn't mean that I love him any less. I've become his best little wingman (of sorts). When he succeeds in bedding women (which is rare), I'm happy for him and I give him an "atta boy," I root for him, and I give him advice when he seems to be struggling. I understand that attraction happens in life whether one is in a relationship or not, and it would be relieving to be able to pursue it without shame.
During this time, he set up some more rules. If I were to get laid, then it can't be anyone he might run into at a party, and it can't be anyone I'll see again.
Having started this in Late spring/ early summer or '09, I refrained from taking advantage of the open relationship because I thought of it as being too difficult for several reasons.
Among them:
-He expressed discomfort with me doing it- so if I were to do it, I'd have to knowingly cause him unease, (he told me that his ideal situation was for him to be able to do whatever he wants, and for me not to do anything. He understood that it was unreasonable to say, "I can, and you can't, even though you want to.") He was very afraid of an emotional connection forming and being left for another man.
-I didn't know how to go about it. The only people who seemed to hit on me were customers where I worked (usually "scummy" guys/ men over the age of 40 who I wouldn't even be attracted to anyways.) I didn't go out with friends very often, and I didn't know where to begin meeting people.
Several times, I have found myself experiencing an undenyable chemistry between myself and other men, but I didn't know how to act on it. The first time that I felt any chemistry with another man was with a customer at my workplace. He started coming in every day and flirting with me. When he would come in, there was an undeniable, purely sexual attraction. We hardly ever said any words to one another but the flirtation was powerful. This being the first time I had found someone else to be attracted to, I wanted to pursue it. That I couldn't care less about the guy himself, only the powerful sex-vibes I was getting from him made me really want to spring for it, because it seemed like it would be less of an emotional threat to my partner.
I told him about it, and he mentioned that it violated the "someone you'd frequently see" rule. I was immature, and selfish about it. Though I wasn't kicking and flailing and whining like a child, (we weren't fighting about it, just discussing it.) my personal bias got in the way of my judgement. I pointed out how a lot of the rules we had set up had fallen away on his account. He had gone out on several dates with the same woman several times, girls had slept here overnight, he had convinced me to let him pursue an ex fwb. After about 15 minutes of discussion, he agreed that I could. I talked to the guy the next day, when he came in. That's when I found out that he was moving soon. It seemed even better. I got his phone number that day.
I told my partner about it, and he decided that he really wasn't okay with it. The guy in question may have been a freshman when my partner was a senior, though he didn't remember him. That's when he created the "someone I could run into at a party" rule. He looked up the guy online and he didn't like the look of him (very clean-cut, but looked like a "player" and that "clearly" the guy was going to rip off the condom during sex and I would get an STD/pregnant,) and he thought that I was more emotionally invested than I was. I was upset, but took it in stride. We debated the "I think he looks like a player" as invalid, and I tried to reassure him that I was only interested in sex with this guy, but I made sure that he knows that though it's something I would like to do, his happiness is what's most important, overall. I informed the "other guy" lightly about the situation: "I'm in an open relationship, and my boyfriend agreed to this. He's discovered that he has some issues with this, and it's a no-go. Sorry."
That summer, I went to a party while my partner was in Vegas with his wingman buddy and I drunkenly made out with a guy that I had been fascinated by all night right before we both fell asleep on the last available couch around 5:30 am. I was "friends" on a networking site with this guy, after the last party I went to. Partner was upset, he was looking forward to going to the parties thrown by the homeowners. He was also upset that I had made an emotional connection with another guy. I was honest about my desire to sleep with him. Partner wished that I had done it that night, and gotten it over with. I no longer can go to those parties because the guy might be there (it would upset him too much,) and definitely can't sleep with the guy I made an emotional connection with. We had a long conversation about why everything bothered him. No qualms there, though I still had the desire to, I totally understood and didn't debate his decision. My partner asked me to delete him from my networking site, and erase his phone number. I didn't have his number,
Several months later, I found myself still yearning for new sex. I was no longer at my former workplace. One of my former co-workers and I started going out weekly with one of my ex-coworkers and his friends. My partner had come out with us, once. After about three weeks in a row, I found that one of my ex co-workers friends was flirting with me. I quickly thought things over "he's not bad looking, I'm not attracted to him (partner won't have to worry about ANY sort of attraction,) I could easily avoid him indefinitely by not coming to any events at which he's present because I don't hang out with this persons friends
Here come the problems: The time in which I was trying to abolish my insecurities was spent analyzing my own thoughts and fears (usually in his presence,) and reading anything that I could find on non-monogamy.