(no subject)
my heart continues to not be in the right place. i've been up and down all week, still. the sting of it all still really hurts. i keep having in my head that i want things with other people, randomly. but i know that that's not true. i can't tell what's true and what's not. i can't deal anymore. i'm falling apart. i don't know how to put myself together. i cry. i sob. in pain. i've dreamt about jordan thrice in three weeks. each time different. each time it hurts my heart. this is so messy. i want the pain to cease, but nothing helps. there's no bandaid. i want a deep hole, somewhere dark, to bury myself in. doesn't he know what this is doing to me? doesn't he even care? i know he's in pain, too. but i can't comfort him. and nothing is comforting me. why am i like this? why do i deal with fucking mental illness? nothing will ever be right for me. and i can't accept that. i try to have hope. but sometime, it will end. and with that, it will be the end of me.