(no subject)
I miss him. I'm scared I'm starting to lose him. It's nothing I can control. We were once, but we aren't now. We need space for now. I can't even talk to him. I miss his companionship. Life feels empty without him. I'm miserable. Sometimes I feel alright, but then I wonder if I'm just suppressing. It's hard to tell. I still cry and feel it in my gut. So sad, so miserable. I need him, but I can't have him. It's for the best. Idk what to do. Nothing helps. It's hard to get my words out into the air. Nothing's getting easier, they just seem to be getting harder, more complicated and complex. All I wanna do is go home and hide in the dark of my bedroom. But I know I can't. Depression sucks. I love him, but now having him here makes it so hard. Idk what to do with myself. I still feel so lost and confused, not really knowing how I am feeling, like, I am so torn. I can't tell what is me and what is the disorder. Maybe I'm meant to be this way. Idk what I'm supposed to gain from this pain. I'm just drowning so deep inside myself. It's hard staying on the surface. I need something real and true to keep me grounded. Help before I disappear and disintegrate into nothingness. I am trying to distract myself, talking to other people, but it feels wrong, like I am cheating on him or betraying him. This is the worst. I just want clarity. What is the true answer? I can't find it for myself.