Frustration
"It's completely up to you. Whatever you want to do is what we'll do."
I felt so confusedly jealous when he said that, and I figured it out today--why he said it. And then I realized how kind it was of him, and I keep running into this with him: I'm fine, then I'm confused and weirdly jealous, and then when I finally get it, I have this sudden swelling of affection for him, but I can't do anything about it. I think there's something socially awkward about me (as there is with anyone) with this odd habit or always wanting to say the strange things I notice that just don't feel inappropriate/awkward when said aloud or when written down. For example, I can't tell friends how proud of them I am without sounding, well, condescending probably or just really random. And I can't tell other friends that I have a glimpse if not a fairly decent idea what is going on with them, but I can't just address it if they aren't ready to talk to me about it.
And with him--I want to tell him how much he's grown. He's surprised me so many times this year, and I think about him so often, and bring him up and relate things to him when I'm with other people, and it's strange and odd, and I don't know what to do with it.
A year ago I didn't like him. A year ago I was practically sure he was the kind of guy I would never like. But then he changed, and he changed for the better, and the ability to change and to grow...it means a lot. And I want to tell him that even if my opinion doesn't matter to him, that at least someone's noticed. Maybe it's not that big a deal that I noticed--maybe it's been pretty obvious to others for a while now. But I don't see him very often. In passing, but that's about it. There's no way for me to be around him without him picking up on how I feel, so maybe this is better. But I feel so frustratedconflictedlostscareddoubtfuloutofmyleagueconfused.
On the other hand, maybe I am just caught up in the idea of caring about him? I've never met someone who I didn't know right away I wouldn't like. Wait, did I get all those negative right? What I mean is, generally I can tell right away whether or not I am going to have a crush on a guy, whether he is the kind of guy I could fall for to an extent. But this guy's different--I considered him a friend and nothing more because elements of his personality clashed with mine. But he's softened. He's still very much himself, but he's gentler now, and more aware of how he comes off to others.
Or is it just that I notice now what he's really like? I can't decide which I'd rather: to have recognized with my own amazing powers of observation (ha!) his gradual change, or to have changed somehow myself in some way that changed the way he interacted with me? It's either one or the other or neither or both. I wish for both, and yet I'm terrified it's neither.
There's no use bitching about all this, but I'd like to chronicle the emotions to some extent at least. This is just a waiting game because there's very little chance he'll make a move any time in the near future (the near future extending to six, seven, eight months from now even, if not longer). And even if he had any inkling of feelings for me, his kindness would hold him back (or be an excuse to hold back??) from acting on it because he wouldn't want to hurt a couple friends. And I don't want to hurt a couple friends, but it's all in my head for now, so it doesn't really matter.
It doesn't really matter.
Bitter, bitter words. True, though.
I felt so confusedly jealous when he said that, and I figured it out today--why he said it. And then I realized how kind it was of him, and I keep running into this with him: I'm fine, then I'm confused and weirdly jealous, and then when I finally get it, I have this sudden swelling of affection for him, but I can't do anything about it. I think there's something socially awkward about me (as there is with anyone) with this odd habit or always wanting to say the strange things I notice that just don't feel inappropriate/awkward when said aloud or when written down. For example, I can't tell friends how proud of them I am without sounding, well, condescending probably or just really random. And I can't tell other friends that I have a glimpse if not a fairly decent idea what is going on with them, but I can't just address it if they aren't ready to talk to me about it.
And with him--I want to tell him how much he's grown. He's surprised me so many times this year, and I think about him so often, and bring him up and relate things to him when I'm with other people, and it's strange and odd, and I don't know what to do with it.
A year ago I didn't like him. A year ago I was practically sure he was the kind of guy I would never like. But then he changed, and he changed for the better, and the ability to change and to grow...it means a lot. And I want to tell him that even if my opinion doesn't matter to him, that at least someone's noticed. Maybe it's not that big a deal that I noticed--maybe it's been pretty obvious to others for a while now. But I don't see him very often. In passing, but that's about it. There's no way for me to be around him without him picking up on how I feel, so maybe this is better. But I feel so frustratedconflictedlostscareddoubtfuloutofmyleagueconfused.
On the other hand, maybe I am just caught up in the idea of caring about him? I've never met someone who I didn't know right away I wouldn't like. Wait, did I get all those negative right? What I mean is, generally I can tell right away whether or not I am going to have a crush on a guy, whether he is the kind of guy I could fall for to an extent. But this guy's different--I considered him a friend and nothing more because elements of his personality clashed with mine. But he's softened. He's still very much himself, but he's gentler now, and more aware of how he comes off to others.
Or is it just that I notice now what he's really like? I can't decide which I'd rather: to have recognized with my own amazing powers of observation (ha!) his gradual change, or to have changed somehow myself in some way that changed the way he interacted with me? It's either one or the other or neither or both. I wish for both, and yet I'm terrified it's neither.
There's no use bitching about all this, but I'd like to chronicle the emotions to some extent at least. This is just a waiting game because there's very little chance he'll make a move any time in the near future (the near future extending to six, seven, eight months from now even, if not longer). And even if he had any inkling of feelings for me, his kindness would hold him back (or be an excuse to hold back??) from acting on it because he wouldn't want to hurt a couple friends. And I don't want to hurt a couple friends, but it's all in my head for now, so it doesn't really matter.
It doesn't really matter.
Bitter, bitter words. True, though.