Considering if a friendship is worth it.
My first resolution was to return all the stuff that's been lingering around my house, lent by friends and then forgotten. Which is to say, me shirking my responsibility to return stuff.
I began by dropping off some books that were important to an old friend, L. We were close, and then, quite suddenly, she dropped me. I tried for awhile to maintain the connection, and she eventually told me that her boyfriend had revealed a three-way fantasy involving me and her, and she didn't feel comfortable having me around anymore. It always made me feel weird--I was upset, because I was losing a friendship over something that didn't happen IRL, and she acknowledged that I was never inappropriate around her guy in the slightest, but still didn't want me in her home anymore. No harsh words or anything...one day we went out to lunch and she revealed that he'd shared this fantasy, and that she felt a lot of resentment toward him, because she knew I hadn't instigated anything, but it still made her perceive me differently/ feel jealousy, etc.
All this went down almost a year ago, and we haven't been in contact. Again, not a messy, ugly parting, which makes it even a bit more confusing, emotionally-wise.
So anyway, I had sent her an email telling her that I intended to return her stuff, and if she'd like to sit down and hash everything out I was open, but if not, I didn't have hard feelings. And I didn't get a return message, so I wrapped up her books, knocked on the door, and politely returned them to the boyfriend.
A few days later, I get an email back from her, thanking me profusely and asking if we could in fact get a meal or something. I agreed, and we ended up spending about three hours talking. She's engaged now, and says she feels a lot more secure in everything, and isn't harboring those negative feelings toward me anymore. That she'd managed to have someone even prettier than me over to her place, and it worked out fine. She was very happy I'd met someone, and relieved I'd found a relationship, and we talked a lot about J.
I'm glad that she's happy, and she genuinely seems to want to rekindle some kind of contact with me, but there's a weird taste in my mouth.
I am fundamentally, ethically, not a dangerous woman to leave your partner alone with. I'm not interested in trying to make my friends' partners become attracted to me. And in that sense, I'm not less dangerous because I'm with J. I'm trustworthy because I always have been, not because I'm now with my guy and I get the merit badge. But L seems to be very attached to the significance of this, just like how having a diamond ring now makes her secure in her boy's love.
If you don't have that certainty, that small voice in your gut that anchors you to truth saying "yes; he is good for you," in the every day course of things, a ring and a big party aren't likely to buy it for you.
I think, at the end of the day, I'm happy I returned the stuff and had the lunch. And as she's stated a couple times that she has a big problem keeping contact with people, I won't be disappointed if I don't hear from her for a long time or never. I'm not going to instigate more contact, because I'm holding my free time at a premium while I'm doing this grad school thing, and am only going to invest in more reciprocal relationships.
The end.
I began by dropping off some books that were important to an old friend, L. We were close, and then, quite suddenly, she dropped me. I tried for awhile to maintain the connection, and she eventually told me that her boyfriend had revealed a three-way fantasy involving me and her, and she didn't feel comfortable having me around anymore. It always made me feel weird--I was upset, because I was losing a friendship over something that didn't happen IRL, and she acknowledged that I was never inappropriate around her guy in the slightest, but still didn't want me in her home anymore. No harsh words or anything...one day we went out to lunch and she revealed that he'd shared this fantasy, and that she felt a lot of resentment toward him, because she knew I hadn't instigated anything, but it still made her perceive me differently/ feel jealousy, etc.
All this went down almost a year ago, and we haven't been in contact. Again, not a messy, ugly parting, which makes it even a bit more confusing, emotionally-wise.
So anyway, I had sent her an email telling her that I intended to return her stuff, and if she'd like to sit down and hash everything out I was open, but if not, I didn't have hard feelings. And I didn't get a return message, so I wrapped up her books, knocked on the door, and politely returned them to the boyfriend.
A few days later, I get an email back from her, thanking me profusely and asking if we could in fact get a meal or something. I agreed, and we ended up spending about three hours talking. She's engaged now, and says she feels a lot more secure in everything, and isn't harboring those negative feelings toward me anymore. That she'd managed to have someone even prettier than me over to her place, and it worked out fine. She was very happy I'd met someone, and relieved I'd found a relationship, and we talked a lot about J.
I'm glad that she's happy, and she genuinely seems to want to rekindle some kind of contact with me, but there's a weird taste in my mouth.
I am fundamentally, ethically, not a dangerous woman to leave your partner alone with. I'm not interested in trying to make my friends' partners become attracted to me. And in that sense, I'm not less dangerous because I'm with J. I'm trustworthy because I always have been, not because I'm now with my guy and I get the merit badge. But L seems to be very attached to the significance of this, just like how having a diamond ring now makes her secure in her boy's love.
If you don't have that certainty, that small voice in your gut that anchors you to truth saying "yes; he is good for you," in the every day course of things, a ring and a big party aren't likely to buy it for you.
I think, at the end of the day, I'm happy I returned the stuff and had the lunch. And as she's stated a couple times that she has a big problem keeping contact with people, I won't be disappointed if I don't hear from her for a long time or never. I'm not going to instigate more contact, because I'm holding my free time at a premium while I'm doing this grad school thing, and am only going to invest in more reciprocal relationships.
The end.