(no subject)
I lock the door
Turn all the water on
And bury that sound
So no one hears anything anymore
Mirror lie to me, tell me you can see
Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now
I know you can feel, all the things you steal
And you're taking, and you're takin' it
Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
Break like it's even
When you're leaving and
Where the hell have you been?
Well sometimes it burns
Maybe I'll wash it out
It all looks so big
Nevermind, I don't feel anything
It only hurt a bit
I still feel like shit
And I think you won't be able to recognize me now
It's easier to quit
It's harder to admit and
You're pushin' me, you're fuckin' pushin' me
Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
Break like it's even
When you're leaving and
Where the hell have you been?
Cause you always win
And you...
Yeah
Laughin' like it works
Bleeding like it don't hurt
Knock you off your feet
Even if you need me
Tear you apart, and I hate how I need you, oh...
Feeling so easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
Break like it's even
When you're leaving
It's too fuckin' easy
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
Break me like it's even
When you're leaving and
Where the hell have you been?
Cause you always win, and you always win, you...
I will burn all this
I will burn all this
I will burn all this...
Wow, so I'm having a little mini breakdown listening to this song. Fuck. I saw Jamie today...Lately I miss him so goddamn much. I don't even know why, I mean...I told myself I was going to get over him, and move on...Fuck men, right?! Well so much for that plan. I can't even explain it...After all this time, I thought I was actually getting over him, and moving on, but apparently I was way wrong. I had to go into Subway for an early dinner today, because we had our combo gig at 5, and all I could think as I was getting up to the door was 'Be a bitch, be a bitch, be a bitch...Don't give in...DON'T let him get to you!' I know, it's sick.
And no matter how much I deny it or ignore it or try and believe otherwise, I fucking LOVE this boy, and there's not one goddamn thing I can do about it. Not one. So, I end up at home on a Friday night, listening to depressing songs, thinking about him, and bawling my fucking face off because I'm so helpless and frustrated all at once. It's stupid. It's unnecessary. It's pathetic. But I still can't do anything to change it...He's gotten under my skin, and he's like a bad sliver that just won't go away...An open wound that won't heal...A fucking irritating song that won't get out of my mind.
I've tried everything...Writing songs about it, venting to friends (well, to an extent, I haven't told my friends every minor detail), crying, screaming, swearing, talking to him, thinking about it non-stop, trying to move on, focusing my attention elsewhere (be it another guy, a project, whatever)...NOTHING is working. I'm sick of being like this. Sure I stuck to my guns in that I don't go running whenever he wants me to anymore, but I still have this obsession with being with him. It's like...he's gotten so deep inside me that he knows me better than half of my friends do...But yet when it comes to him, I can barely scratch the surface...I mean we've had the "deep, meaningful" talks and whatnot, but he doesn't return any feelings...I mean there are the best buddy kind of feelings, but he has no raw, passionate NEED for me...He doesn't crave the way I smell, the way I smile, the way I laugh, like I do him. It KILLS me that he doesn't seem to realize how into him I am, too...I mean he's heard me tell him, on a number of occasions, that I love him...But it's like he doesn't want it to be true.
I spend way too much time over analyzing every STUPID fucking little inflection in his voice, and everything he says to me, hoping that MAYBE on the off chance he actually realizes the circumstances, that he'll realize he loves me too...Of course that's usually about when I snap back to reality and comfort him after he has another stupid fight with Sarah.
I can't take this bullshit anymore. Hah yeah, a real winner I am. Fuck that.