(no subject)
Friends,
I am writing to let you know that I am feeling better. Right now, in this moment, I am feeling better. I am healing. It has taken me quite a while, but things for me are looking up.
Some of you may know that I have started taking Zoloft. I think that is helping right now. If nothing else, I do not feel tired all the time. I don't feel drained in the same way that I have been feeling for months (and maybe even over a year). That's a big step for me.
I've come to accept a lot of things that have taken me a while to come to terms with, if only because they hurt very badly for me to even think about. I am tired of hurting, and I'm now willing take the steps necessary for me to stop feeling like this in a way that I wasn't willing to do before. There were quite a lot of things stopping me, and I have moved on from them now.
I no longer feel guilty about what happened in October. Please do not take this to mean that I am not sorry for it, because I am. I feel sorry to an extent that I hope you can never understand. If you were hurt in any way by what happened or by the way that I dealt with the situation afterwards, please accept my sincerest apologies. I had very little control over either. Please know that if I could take back the pain that I caused anyone, I would.
But I can't. And I'm willing to accept that now, as well. My life will never return to the way it was before this happened, and my relationship with everyone involved will never be the same. I was happy before, I felt very safe in the situation that I was in, and I am willing to accept that that is gone forever. To be honest, it is probably just as well. If the way I felt about myself or the way that you felt about me was not strong enough to survive this, then it needed to be reexamined anyway, in a way that I could not have known for quite some time, had this not happened. And if it wasn't strong enough, then it is better I know now rather than later.
This isn't necessarily a good thing all around. I'm going to be making some changes. I need to reevaluate some things, and make some very radical changes, personally. I'm sorry if because of this, you end up hurt. You might. I'm going to start putting myself first in a way that I haven't in the past, at least for a while.
If you know me, you know that in deciding to put myself first, I worried very much that it was selfish. Maybe it is. I still plan very much to follow the tenets "Love your neighbor" and "Treat others as you would like to be treated," if only because I would not like myself if I didn't. But I have a habit of being there for others and appeasing others in a self-sacrificing manner that I just cannot do right now. I am physically and emotionally drained. In the past couple of weeks, I've lost over 20 pounds and dropped two pants sizes without even noticing. I am not well. And I need to start taking care of myself before I can worry about taking care of anyone else. I'm sorry. I know there's a precedent there. But I cannot do it. I need to rebuild, or I will be of no use to anyone.
And I think that follows the "treat others as you would like to be treated" idea that I am trying to adhere to. If someone was hurting this badly, I would want them to get better before they thought of making me happy. You have other avenues. Use them. Because I will not be here for a while.
Basically, I am just trying to salvage what is left of this semester. It's fairly doubtful that I can do it, but I'm regaining the drive and the motivation that I lost during this depression. It's time.
For the most part, I am not trying to cut anyone off or shut anyone out. I haven't decided if that's universally true or not. Brace yourself, because it might not be. Regardless, you are welcome (and encouraged) to check up on me. I might need it. Just because I am feeling better now does not mean that I won't still have bad days. This whole incident has affected me profoundly, and I am sure it will take more than one good day to get past this.
But one good day is more hope than I've had in a while.
If you see me anxious or jittery, it's probably the Zoloft. It picks me up and gives me energy, but the extra energy makes me a little twitchy sometimes. I'm going to try to work it off at the gym if it gets too bad, we'll see how that works.
If you don't understand what this is about and would like to know, ask me. I'll be willing to tell you, I promise. If you need to talk to me at any time, I am here. Call me, IM me, send me a facebook message, I'll get back to you. If you want to comment on this entry, I'm going to screen the comments, so anything you would like to say will just be between you and me.
I think that's all for now, sorry this was so long, but I needed to say it.
I am writing to let you know that I am feeling better. Right now, in this moment, I am feeling better. I am healing. It has taken me quite a while, but things for me are looking up.
Some of you may know that I have started taking Zoloft. I think that is helping right now. If nothing else, I do not feel tired all the time. I don't feel drained in the same way that I have been feeling for months (and maybe even over a year). That's a big step for me.
I've come to accept a lot of things that have taken me a while to come to terms with, if only because they hurt very badly for me to even think about. I am tired of hurting, and I'm now willing take the steps necessary for me to stop feeling like this in a way that I wasn't willing to do before. There were quite a lot of things stopping me, and I have moved on from them now.
I no longer feel guilty about what happened in October. Please do not take this to mean that I am not sorry for it, because I am. I feel sorry to an extent that I hope you can never understand. If you were hurt in any way by what happened or by the way that I dealt with the situation afterwards, please accept my sincerest apologies. I had very little control over either. Please know that if I could take back the pain that I caused anyone, I would.
But I can't. And I'm willing to accept that now, as well. My life will never return to the way it was before this happened, and my relationship with everyone involved will never be the same. I was happy before, I felt very safe in the situation that I was in, and I am willing to accept that that is gone forever. To be honest, it is probably just as well. If the way I felt about myself or the way that you felt about me was not strong enough to survive this, then it needed to be reexamined anyway, in a way that I could not have known for quite some time, had this not happened. And if it wasn't strong enough, then it is better I know now rather than later.
This isn't necessarily a good thing all around. I'm going to be making some changes. I need to reevaluate some things, and make some very radical changes, personally. I'm sorry if because of this, you end up hurt. You might. I'm going to start putting myself first in a way that I haven't in the past, at least for a while.
If you know me, you know that in deciding to put myself first, I worried very much that it was selfish. Maybe it is. I still plan very much to follow the tenets "Love your neighbor" and "Treat others as you would like to be treated," if only because I would not like myself if I didn't. But I have a habit of being there for others and appeasing others in a self-sacrificing manner that I just cannot do right now. I am physically and emotionally drained. In the past couple of weeks, I've lost over 20 pounds and dropped two pants sizes without even noticing. I am not well. And I need to start taking care of myself before I can worry about taking care of anyone else. I'm sorry. I know there's a precedent there. But I cannot do it. I need to rebuild, or I will be of no use to anyone.
And I think that follows the "treat others as you would like to be treated" idea that I am trying to adhere to. If someone was hurting this badly, I would want them to get better before they thought of making me happy. You have other avenues. Use them. Because I will not be here for a while.
Basically, I am just trying to salvage what is left of this semester. It's fairly doubtful that I can do it, but I'm regaining the drive and the motivation that I lost during this depression. It's time.
For the most part, I am not trying to cut anyone off or shut anyone out. I haven't decided if that's universally true or not. Brace yourself, because it might not be. Regardless, you are welcome (and encouraged) to check up on me. I might need it. Just because I am feeling better now does not mean that I won't still have bad days. This whole incident has affected me profoundly, and I am sure it will take more than one good day to get past this.
But one good day is more hope than I've had in a while.
If you see me anxious or jittery, it's probably the Zoloft. It picks me up and gives me energy, but the extra energy makes me a little twitchy sometimes. I'm going to try to work it off at the gym if it gets too bad, we'll see how that works.
If you don't understand what this is about and would like to know, ask me. I'll be willing to tell you, I promise. If you need to talk to me at any time, I am here. Call me, IM me, send me a facebook message, I'll get back to you. If you want to comment on this entry, I'm going to screen the comments, so anything you would like to say will just be between you and me.
I think that's all for now, sorry this was so long, but I needed to say it.