(no subject)
Things have been a bit difficult lately with Ollie, not because we have any issues, but because of his.. personal issues. I love him. I can't believe how quickly he's become a major part of my life. I get jaded sometimes because I feel like we've been together for so long, even though it's only been since April. We've been talking everyday since August of last year (except for those few days when I had to go to asshole's family's place for Christmas). That's not happening again, he means too much for me to not talk to. I still have a bit of a jealousy thing with his ex girlfriend, but they were together for 4 years.. I'm okay until he mentions when they were together. I don't have anything against her or anything, I just instantly get this image of them like laying together in bed like we do and it really gets under my skin. I had a dream about that a few months ago.. it was really disturbing. Ollie and I had recently broken up and we were alone at a house and he had her over and they were cuddling in bed and in the dream that just totally broke my heart. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't help it.. it was a dream. I had another horrible dream on June 27th.. I had to type it out just so I wouldn't forget because it felt SO real.. I honestly felt and smelt my dad.. I'll copy and paste it in real quick.
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Today I had a really messed up dream..I woke up around 11:30 on June 27th crying. Dad and I were driving around Louisville in the Porsche and he was asking me if I wanted to go to the gym to play basketball, I told him I don't do gyms but that we could go to the park the next day (it was Tuesday, I have no classes on Wednesday) and he asked me if I remembered how we used to play pick-up games when I was little and I said I did and that we'd play in the backyard and stuff.. he went on to wonder why we never played baseball games and I agreed but said that its probably because we didn't have enough players, that its no fun to only have two people batting.. I was thinking of things to ask him to do the next day so we could hang out but then I realized that he' s dead and I started crying and trying to call mom and that's when I woke up.. its weird because the entire car smelled like dad's bed used to smell, I could smell him everywhere. It felt so real and I was 22, I was how I am now but he's just like he was when I was in high school..
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I'm not even going to glance through that because I know it's going to make me start crying. I'm having a rough time tonight because I got into a big fight with mom about what Ollie does.. I know what he does isn't good for him, or for me, but I can't stop him. I understand he's addicted and that his body physically needs it but I also know that he can overcome it. He doesn't have the willpower to do it. I can't be the one to force him. It's hard, I hate seeing him do that because I know what it does.. I think the coke bothered me a lot more though, it disgusts me. Even these pills drive me crazy, but I'm more understanding I guess. I think I'm just scared of what's going to happen to him.. I mean, dad dead, Eric's in jail.. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. which is one reason why I don't want to push the subject with him. He knows the risks that he's taking, he knows the police are cracking down on that more than anything. I really like our life together with Fred.. he makes me happy.
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Today I had a really messed up dream..I woke up around 11:30 on June 27th crying. Dad and I were driving around Louisville in the Porsche and he was asking me if I wanted to go to the gym to play basketball, I told him I don't do gyms but that we could go to the park the next day (it was Tuesday, I have no classes on Wednesday) and he asked me if I remembered how we used to play pick-up games when I was little and I said I did and that we'd play in the backyard and stuff.. he went on to wonder why we never played baseball games and I agreed but said that its probably because we didn't have enough players, that its no fun to only have two people batting.. I was thinking of things to ask him to do the next day so we could hang out but then I realized that he' s dead and I started crying and trying to call mom and that's when I woke up.. its weird because the entire car smelled like dad's bed used to smell, I could smell him everywhere. It felt so real and I was 22, I was how I am now but he's just like he was when I was in high school..
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I'm not even going to glance through that because I know it's going to make me start crying. I'm having a rough time tonight because I got into a big fight with mom about what Ollie does.. I know what he does isn't good for him, or for me, but I can't stop him. I understand he's addicted and that his body physically needs it but I also know that he can overcome it. He doesn't have the willpower to do it. I can't be the one to force him. It's hard, I hate seeing him do that because I know what it does.. I think the coke bothered me a lot more though, it disgusts me. Even these pills drive me crazy, but I'm more understanding I guess. I think I'm just scared of what's going to happen to him.. I mean, dad dead, Eric's in jail.. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. which is one reason why I don't want to push the subject with him. He knows the risks that he's taking, he knows the police are cracking down on that more than anything. I really like our life together with Fred.. he makes me happy.