(no subject)
I know I haven't updated in so long. Life on the rez can really suck you in. I've been busy with friends, parties, babysitting. But I've been thinking a lot about how the past three years has been a waste of time.. what have I accomplished? I got my head thoroughly fucked with from Josh, I gained a few friends who I'm not really all that into and I've gotten drunk and high a lot. Alright, awesome. Now what? I applied for the University of Ottawa but I still haven't heard back and it makes me just want to cry. I know it's my fault this shit hasn't been sent in yet.. but what if I don't accepted? It's scary. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. Geez.
And now my emotions are all involved with Cochise and he simply doesn't trust me like he says he does. Why else would he question me all the time? Whatever. He's going to come to Montreal next month to come visit me and I want to badly to stay the night with him. I will not have sex with him, it's too early for that... that would just fuck me up even more. And after Josh, that's the last thing I need. Yesterday Stacy and I were going for a walk and Josh and Petey drove by and Stacy freaked out because she thinks Josh looks just like Cochise. Maybe he does and that's why I picked him? Maybe I'm really not through with Josh.. or maybe I am and I'll just always be attached to him because he was my first. I've just been having a really rough night. I can't sleep well because of this fucking rash on my arm and cheek that I got from the water at Oka Park (which shouldn't even be Oka Park, that's native land..) and I've been thinking and thinking and just plain upset. Last night Cochise and I got in out first 'fight' even tho it was hardly that. I was already all upset and he kept joking around like he always does but this time it upset me even more rather than making me laugh like usual so I got pissy with him and he got upset and we both hurt each others feelings. And I hate it because I can't see him. He's the greatest guy I've met and no one seems to understand that. He treats me so well. Yeah, so he's into designer shit.. don't you think I make fun of him for that? It's not fair for my family and friends to say all this shit about him. He says it doesn't matter and that people will always talk shit, but I really care about him and it hurts me to hear things like that said about him. He's a wonderful person. He works really hard to earn money (and he doesn't run any fucking cigarettes or sell drugs or any of that bullshit) and he doesn't drink and party and get fucked up.. imagine, a native man who doesn't do any of that and actually works and lives off of a reservation. He actually pays rent, holy fuck. I don't know.. I think things could really work with him. Yeah, he's a bit weird and acts black, haha, but I accept him as he is and I love the guy.
Tonight is the powwow in Kahnawake. I'm going with the girls. It's been a while since we've all gone out! And there's this new rock bar opening up downtown on Crescent and I'm all excited because they have LIVE BANDS! Yes. And I like Thursday's and all, but it's a fucking meat market. Everytime I go there I put my ring on my other hand and pretend I'm married. Our group of girls is pretty dysfunctional.. Karyn, Lisa, mom, me and Allix now here and there. Karyn and Lisa defintely have their issues and then add in a mother-daughter and then Lisa and Allix are sisters.. it's jsut strange.
Pyro died a few days ago.. that was really scary to come home to. Stacy and I were out for a walk and we were going to go see James but I had to check on the dogs and give Pyro wated since he was outside on the zip line thing. We get here, Zach's asleep and Gio's peeing all over himself because he's so excited. I go out to check on Pyro and he's not moving and there are flies all over him and I start to freak out. I don't really want to talk about it at the moment so I'll write later..
And now my emotions are all involved with Cochise and he simply doesn't trust me like he says he does. Why else would he question me all the time? Whatever. He's going to come to Montreal next month to come visit me and I want to badly to stay the night with him. I will not have sex with him, it's too early for that... that would just fuck me up even more. And after Josh, that's the last thing I need. Yesterday Stacy and I were going for a walk and Josh and Petey drove by and Stacy freaked out because she thinks Josh looks just like Cochise. Maybe he does and that's why I picked him? Maybe I'm really not through with Josh.. or maybe I am and I'll just always be attached to him because he was my first. I've just been having a really rough night. I can't sleep well because of this fucking rash on my arm and cheek that I got from the water at Oka Park (which shouldn't even be Oka Park, that's native land..) and I've been thinking and thinking and just plain upset. Last night Cochise and I got in out first 'fight' even tho it was hardly that. I was already all upset and he kept joking around like he always does but this time it upset me even more rather than making me laugh like usual so I got pissy with him and he got upset and we both hurt each others feelings. And I hate it because I can't see him. He's the greatest guy I've met and no one seems to understand that. He treats me so well. Yeah, so he's into designer shit.. don't you think I make fun of him for that? It's not fair for my family and friends to say all this shit about him. He says it doesn't matter and that people will always talk shit, but I really care about him and it hurts me to hear things like that said about him. He's a wonderful person. He works really hard to earn money (and he doesn't run any fucking cigarettes or sell drugs or any of that bullshit) and he doesn't drink and party and get fucked up.. imagine, a native man who doesn't do any of that and actually works and lives off of a reservation. He actually pays rent, holy fuck. I don't know.. I think things could really work with him. Yeah, he's a bit weird and acts black, haha, but I accept him as he is and I love the guy.
Tonight is the powwow in Kahnawake. I'm going with the girls. It's been a while since we've all gone out! And there's this new rock bar opening up downtown on Crescent and I'm all excited because they have LIVE BANDS! Yes. And I like Thursday's and all, but it's a fucking meat market. Everytime I go there I put my ring on my other hand and pretend I'm married. Our group of girls is pretty dysfunctional.. Karyn, Lisa, mom, me and Allix now here and there. Karyn and Lisa defintely have their issues and then add in a mother-daughter and then Lisa and Allix are sisters.. it's jsut strange.
Pyro died a few days ago.. that was really scary to come home to. Stacy and I were out for a walk and we were going to go see James but I had to check on the dogs and give Pyro wated since he was outside on the zip line thing. We get here, Zach's asleep and Gio's peeing all over himself because he's so excited. I go out to check on Pyro and he's not moving and there are flies all over him and I start to freak out. I don't really want to talk about it at the moment so I'll write later..