'a' is for amy, who fell down the stairs.
I spent yesterday procrastinating and writing and finishing my crimmas cards, which, if I do say so myself, are pretty fucking funny. I'll post them sometime closer to the holiday, because they need to be shared.
But I get ahead of myself! Today!
1. First holiday writing deadline has been reached. I feel a sense of inner calm. Or panic. Calm and panic are the same thing, right? Like Jedward? Or syphilis=the clap? Holy shit, maybe I've gone plaid.
2. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT CRIMMAS IS THE TIME OF YEAR IN WHICH WE GIVE PRESENTS. MOTHER FUCKER. EYE STABBY. ALSO, I HAVE TO BUY MY KID BIRTHDAY PRESENTS. I cannot wait until she is old enough so we can do it the easy way:
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
Her: (something age inappropriate)
Me: Try again.
Her: (something I am ethically opposed to. For those of you playing the home game, these are few and far between, so she's probably just asked for her own hooker or a Bratz doll. Possibly a box of crack.)
Me: It's funny. Your mouth is making noise, but none of the sounds coming out of it are forming understandable words.
Her: (something hideously expensive, akin to an iPod or a painting made by Paris Hilton's dog.)
Me: Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you this thirty-dollar gift certificate to X.
Her: Score.
Me: I'm glad we have these moments.
Her: Yeah.
Me: Let's hug.
Her: Okay.
(cue sitcom music)
3. Over at IJ, daily_deviant is kicking off their pron/kink-filled gift exchange fest, so go on over and read something hideously filthy, if you're into Harry Potter. I wrote one, but they're anon, so I can't say which. You might guess anyway. But yeah. Okay.
4. HOLY SHIT WHEN I WAS IN KANSAS, TWO THINGS HAPPENED:
a) My kid wore her shiny pink John Barrowman skinny pants, and she was FANTASTIC FANTASTIC FANTASTIC.
b) My kid took a knee into a cactus. In the shiny Barrowman pants, which are now filled with tiny invisible spines. I am pretty sure that even if I wash them, the spines will be lurking in the pants like fiberglass shreds. So yeah, that might have been the only run. BUT I HAVE PICTURES:
I call this her "shocked Britney" expression.
And a little snarl for mommy.
5. I HAVE EATEN A POMEGRANATE FOR THE FIRST TIME. Honest to god, it's just never seemed the place or time, and I've never bought one for myself and managed to eat it. I am always thwarted. It's a mass conspiracy (It's funny how my pomegranate story is much like most people's anal sex story, and my anal sex story is probably like most people's pomegranate stories. Huh. TMI.). Well, last week, I snagged some of my sister-in-law's, and it was not nearly as messy as I was led to believe, and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds. Hopefully Hades is a hottie, and not like…James Woods or something. Imma buy me a bunch of them at the sto' (Wow, even the second half of that story could be read with sex goggles on. We should run an experiment to see how many things can me taken sexually. That's what she said.).
6. I have a confession. I know that Sam Walton and Wal-Mart is the devil, people, but CostCo isn't much better, and they are a billion miles away, so I'm going to get me a Sam's Club membership. I felt like I had to confess that, because I feel bad about supporting the man, but I use my parents' one anyway, so I might as well be honest about it. I like 30-dollar boxes of diapers. And those mozzarella-prosciutto rolls that you get in the deli. Don't judge until you've eaten one of those and had to floss.
And they are the only place that sells Super Rope. For those of you reading from yesterday, this is also HOW THEY GET YA. I bet Sam's has bulk pomegranates. Holy fuck, I wonder if they have bulk Bagelfuls.
7. BETTY WHITE, YOU ARE ONE CRAZY AWESOME LADY.
8. blue_fjords continues to be the best person in the universe by sending me this last night when I was feeling low for spanking my kid before bedtime. Srsly, people, it was RIDIC, last night.
9. OKAY. I have tried to explain the blue liquor laws of Pennsylvania to others, but it's complicated. The bottom line is, you cannot buy beer in a store, pretty much. If I want a six pack, I better hope there's a bar open somewhere or a distributor, in which case I have to buy a case. Forties are hard to find, and buying a single can of beer is unheard of. That said, SHEETZ has had a few experimental convenience stores that have been selling six packs with much success. Now they're trying to petition lawmakers to reexamine the sale of beer in stores. Normally, I think online petitions are shite, but when one is sponsored by a big chain, I think we might be able to get something done.
http://www.freemybeer.com/
Because mommy needs Stella at 11:57 on a Tuesday night sometimes.
That is all. There aren't the droids you're looking for. There aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.
But I get ahead of myself! Today!
1. First holiday writing deadline has been reached. I feel a sense of inner calm. Or panic. Calm and panic are the same thing, right? Like Jedward? Or syphilis=the clap? Holy shit, maybe I've gone plaid.
2. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT CRIMMAS IS THE TIME OF YEAR IN WHICH WE GIVE PRESENTS. MOTHER FUCKER. EYE STABBY. ALSO, I HAVE TO BUY MY KID BIRTHDAY PRESENTS. I cannot wait until she is old enough so we can do it the easy way:
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
Her: (something age inappropriate)
Me: Try again.
Her: (something I am ethically opposed to. For those of you playing the home game, these are few and far between, so she's probably just asked for her own hooker or a Bratz doll. Possibly a box of crack.)
Me: It's funny. Your mouth is making noise, but none of the sounds coming out of it are forming understandable words.
Her: (something hideously expensive, akin to an iPod or a painting made by Paris Hilton's dog.)
Me: Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you this thirty-dollar gift certificate to X.
Her: Score.
Me: I'm glad we have these moments.
Her: Yeah.
Me: Let's hug.
Her: Okay.
(cue sitcom music)
3. Over at IJ, daily_deviant is kicking off their pron/kink-filled gift exchange fest, so go on over and read something hideously filthy, if you're into Harry Potter. I wrote one, but they're anon, so I can't say which. You might guess anyway. But yeah. Okay.
4. HOLY SHIT WHEN I WAS IN KANSAS, TWO THINGS HAPPENED:
a) My kid wore her shiny pink John Barrowman skinny pants, and she was FANTASTIC FANTASTIC FANTASTIC.
b) My kid took a knee into a cactus. In the shiny Barrowman pants, which are now filled with tiny invisible spines. I am pretty sure that even if I wash them, the spines will be lurking in the pants like fiberglass shreds. So yeah, that might have been the only run. BUT I HAVE PICTURES:
I call this her "shocked Britney" expression.
And a little snarl for mommy.
5. I HAVE EATEN A POMEGRANATE FOR THE FIRST TIME. Honest to god, it's just never seemed the place or time, and I've never bought one for myself and managed to eat it. I am always thwarted. It's a mass conspiracy (It's funny how my pomegranate story is much like most people's anal sex story, and my anal sex story is probably like most people's pomegranate stories. Huh. TMI.). Well, last week, I snagged some of my sister-in-law's, and it was not nearly as messy as I was led to believe, and also? I'm going to hell for a long time because I ate all the seeds. Hopefully Hades is a hottie, and not like…James Woods or something. Imma buy me a bunch of them at the sto' (Wow, even the second half of that story could be read with sex goggles on. We should run an experiment to see how many things can me taken sexually. That's what she said.).
6. I have a confession. I know that Sam Walton and Wal-Mart is the devil, people, but CostCo isn't much better, and they are a billion miles away, so I'm going to get me a Sam's Club membership. I felt like I had to confess that, because I feel bad about supporting the man, but I use my parents' one anyway, so I might as well be honest about it. I like 30-dollar boxes of diapers. And those mozzarella-prosciutto rolls that you get in the deli. Don't judge until you've eaten one of those and had to floss.
And they are the only place that sells Super Rope. For those of you reading from yesterday, this is also HOW THEY GET YA. I bet Sam's has bulk pomegranates. Holy fuck, I wonder if they have bulk Bagelfuls.
7. BETTY WHITE, YOU ARE ONE CRAZY AWESOME LADY.
8. blue_fjords continues to be the best person in the universe by sending me this last night when I was feeling low for spanking my kid before bedtime. Srsly, people, it was RIDIC, last night.
9. OKAY. I have tried to explain the blue liquor laws of Pennsylvania to others, but it's complicated. The bottom line is, you cannot buy beer in a store, pretty much. If I want a six pack, I better hope there's a bar open somewhere or a distributor, in which case I have to buy a case. Forties are hard to find, and buying a single can of beer is unheard of. That said, SHEETZ has had a few experimental convenience stores that have been selling six packs with much success. Now they're trying to petition lawmakers to reexamine the sale of beer in stores. Normally, I think online petitions are shite, but when one is sponsored by a big chain, I think we might be able to get something done.
http://www.freemybeer.com/
Because mommy needs Stella at 11:57 on a Tuesday night sometimes.
That is all. There aren't the droids you're looking for. There aren't the droids we're looking for. You can go about your business. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.