My Crimmas Wish List
I haven't updated my wish list in ages. I rarely ask for things. I mean, what's the point? Things don't make you happy (this is pointed at you Nicholas H. Cruentum. Those boxers would not have made you happy. After you washed them.), and you know. Blah blah. But I figured I'd sit down and think about it, because once I asked for a hookah and I got one.
1. I wish that I was tougher skinned. The internet is fun, and it's about as much human interaction as I like, because I can walk away from you whenever I want, whereas when I'm with people, I'm usually done long before we're supposed to be done. However, I take what people say on the internets to heart. And then I try to be a person I'm not. A lot of the time I also assume that people are what they say they are on he internet, and I'm always disappointed to find that they are not. Yeah, look, I grew up in a house that valued honesty. I cannot keep up a charade of falsety (is that right? I think that's the opposite of what I want to say, really. Hrm.) So long stints of trying to be someone else don't work for me. I don't know where I'm going with this. Marlo Thomas would have something to say about this.
2. I want someone to be catty with. Really. Some people aren't happy unless they're kvetching. I read that in X-Force once. Or X-Factor. I forget who said it and about whom. I think Shatterstar might have been involved. Hrm, but it's true. I am happy when I'm bitching about you, and you and you. Incidentally, this doesn't mean that I don't like/love you. I just like to kvetch. It's how I work out issues so I can bring the funneh. I hate when I think I have found that person, because they say catty things, and when I get my first good dig in, they chide me. Bite me, asshat. But alas, I have yet to find my bitch buddy in a long while.
3. I would like the Pope, the new Pope, to go on tour. I would like the tour to be called "THE POPE IS DOPE 2010". It would be cool if he would throw a few gang signs too. West siiiiiiiiiide. I wish he would ride in his tic tac box again. I miss the tic tac box.
4. I wish they'd stop making sugar free pickles. Look, man, there are some things that should be made the way god intended them, nor not at all. Pickles are one of those things. If you cannot eat sugar or something, perhaps you should treat pickles the way my buddy sthayashi treats poultry: wave at them as they pass you by. Or eat dill pickles. Do they use sugar in dill pickles?
Failing that, I would like the jars to have red labels that say: "WARNING, THESE PICKLES ARE MADE WITH SHIT. ONLY EAT IF YOU ARE A DOUCHE."
If you have a problem with this, please get on my #2.
5. I wish my husband wasn't dead. This one right here is usually why I don't make these lists anymore, but I did decide to do it, so it's obligatory. We're to the point that I say it in public sometimes just so I can hear that record scratch noise. Did you know they don't play that in RL? Only on Scrubs. And in my head.
6. I wish I knew what the hell I should be doing with my life, career wise. Honestly, at this point, I should take a poll and then just do whatever wins. But you'd all vote for rumrunner or cylindrical megaphone or something and I'd be stuck.
7. I wish my kid would be more teachable about a lot of things, but potty training especially. Sidewish: I wish people would stop giving me unsolicited advice. I say something disparaging, because hey, see #2, and people think I'm asking for advice. Recently my kid had a little crying session at someone's house, and I picked her up to talk to her, and she moped into my shoulder for a second and then was done. Individual told me that I was best to ignore her. Yeah, well, bite me. If I want advice, I'll wiki it, then I'll google it, and then I might ask you, moron. When people give me unsolicited advice, I want to turn to them and say, "HER DAD IS DEAD, DO YOU HAVE ADVICE RE: THAT?." But that's neither here nor there, and there's no good excuse for a temper tantrum ever (unless it's mine). On the other hand, my child is so freakishly well behaved in public most of the time that people stop at our table at restaurants to tell me that. So again, unsolicited child rearing advice giver, don't. Just don't.
8. I wish I could move far away and start a new life where no one knew me. Like Cicely, Alaska. I don't particularly like the cold, but man, I wish that place was real. For a while I thought I should hang about bad parts of town so that I could get a bunch of information that I could use to trade for Witness Protection, but for some reason people aren't inclined to commit crimes when another person is standing there with a camera and a tablet, asking 'Hey man, whatcha doing? Huh? Gonna sell some drugs? Dump a body?'
9. I wish I had #1 so that I wouldn't be afraid to finish this book. Because it's pretty fucking awesome. Alas, there's no point in wasting time if I can't sell it, and I can't sell it because I'm afraid to show it, and hey, even if I did, there's no guarantee that it would sell. It sounds like I'm wishing for #1 as #9, so I guess #9 is I wish I could finish the book.
10. I want someone to clean my house. Like "moving in" clean. If they did that, I might be in the mood to repack everything in the basement and pitch half of the shit down there, because every time I think about doing it, I say "Oh, but I have to clean the house first." That's how they GET ya. Who are they? I can't say. I'm still waiting on a return call from the Federal Marshals.
1. I wish that I was tougher skinned. The internet is fun, and it's about as much human interaction as I like, because I can walk away from you whenever I want, whereas when I'm with people, I'm usually done long before we're supposed to be done. However, I take what people say on the internets to heart. And then I try to be a person I'm not. A lot of the time I also assume that people are what they say they are on he internet, and I'm always disappointed to find that they are not. Yeah, look, I grew up in a house that valued honesty. I cannot keep up a charade of falsety (is that right? I think that's the opposite of what I want to say, really. Hrm.) So long stints of trying to be someone else don't work for me. I don't know where I'm going with this. Marlo Thomas would have something to say about this.
2. I want someone to be catty with. Really. Some people aren't happy unless they're kvetching. I read that in X-Force once. Or X-Factor. I forget who said it and about whom. I think Shatterstar might have been involved. Hrm, but it's true. I am happy when I'm bitching about you, and you and you. Incidentally, this doesn't mean that I don't like/love you. I just like to kvetch. It's how I work out issues so I can bring the funneh. I hate when I think I have found that person, because they say catty things, and when I get my first good dig in, they chide me. Bite me, asshat. But alas, I have yet to find my bitch buddy in a long while.
3. I would like the Pope, the new Pope, to go on tour. I would like the tour to be called "THE POPE IS DOPE 2010". It would be cool if he would throw a few gang signs too. West siiiiiiiiiide. I wish he would ride in his tic tac box again. I miss the tic tac box.
4. I wish they'd stop making sugar free pickles. Look, man, there are some things that should be made the way god intended them, nor not at all. Pickles are one of those things. If you cannot eat sugar or something, perhaps you should treat pickles the way my buddy sthayashi treats poultry: wave at them as they pass you by. Or eat dill pickles. Do they use sugar in dill pickles?
Failing that, I would like the jars to have red labels that say: "WARNING, THESE PICKLES ARE MADE WITH SHIT. ONLY EAT IF YOU ARE A DOUCHE."
If you have a problem with this, please get on my #2.
5. I wish my husband wasn't dead. This one right here is usually why I don't make these lists anymore, but I did decide to do it, so it's obligatory. We're to the point that I say it in public sometimes just so I can hear that record scratch noise. Did you know they don't play that in RL? Only on Scrubs. And in my head.
6. I wish I knew what the hell I should be doing with my life, career wise. Honestly, at this point, I should take a poll and then just do whatever wins. But you'd all vote for rumrunner or cylindrical megaphone or something and I'd be stuck.
7. I wish my kid would be more teachable about a lot of things, but potty training especially. Sidewish: I wish people would stop giving me unsolicited advice. I say something disparaging, because hey, see #2, and people think I'm asking for advice. Recently my kid had a little crying session at someone's house, and I picked her up to talk to her, and she moped into my shoulder for a second and then was done. Individual told me that I was best to ignore her. Yeah, well, bite me. If I want advice, I'll wiki it, then I'll google it, and then I might ask you, moron. When people give me unsolicited advice, I want to turn to them and say, "HER DAD IS DEAD, DO YOU HAVE ADVICE RE: THAT?." But that's neither here nor there, and there's no good excuse for a temper tantrum ever (unless it's mine). On the other hand, my child is so freakishly well behaved in public most of the time that people stop at our table at restaurants to tell me that. So again, unsolicited child rearing advice giver, don't. Just don't.
8. I wish I could move far away and start a new life where no one knew me. Like Cicely, Alaska. I don't particularly like the cold, but man, I wish that place was real. For a while I thought I should hang about bad parts of town so that I could get a bunch of information that I could use to trade for Witness Protection, but for some reason people aren't inclined to commit crimes when another person is standing there with a camera and a tablet, asking 'Hey man, whatcha doing? Huh? Gonna sell some drugs? Dump a body?'
9. I wish I had #1 so that I wouldn't be afraid to finish this book. Because it's pretty fucking awesome. Alas, there's no point in wasting time if I can't sell it, and I can't sell it because I'm afraid to show it, and hey, even if I did, there's no guarantee that it would sell. It sounds like I'm wishing for #1 as #9, so I guess #9 is I wish I could finish the book.
10. I want someone to clean my house. Like "moving in" clean. If they did that, I might be in the mood to repack everything in the basement and pitch half of the shit down there, because every time I think about doing it, I say "Oh, but I have to clean the house first." That's how they GET ya. Who are they? I can't say. I'm still waiting on a return call from the Federal Marshals.