Tales in Grief, Part 38721897.329
Okay, so.
Here's the thing: I don't fantasize. I mean, sexually. I hear lots of people do it, and I fantasize a lot, but it's never really sex. I have about five or so standbys that I use to get to sleep, to entertain myself in the car or whenever I am bored out of my skull. I spend quite a bit of time in these daydreams, but they never really ever get to the sex part. The one time I did actually finish it before I fell asleep, I laid there afterwards and was like, "What do I do now?"
I usually use characters I like. Yeah, that's right: Methos, Jack, Ianto, some others I don't want to get into. The point is, I fantasize in UST and PG-13, and sometimes it's not even sexy at all.
Whatevs. The point is, they're fictional people.
Which I why I was startled and somewhat disturbed to find that last night I fantasized about Tianyu. And not in a sexy way. In a Scrubs-esque "what would have happened if he had been there for Viv's birth" way.
I don't know if this means that I've moved him into the realm of fictional. I don't know how that makes me feel. I never imagined Tianyu in any scenario that occurred after he died because I like to think I have no ides how he'd react. To anything. Imagining it is akin to putting words in his mouth, and I could never do that. So when people say, "Tianyu would have loved this," or "Tianyu would have adored VK" I keep mum because I can't agree. I have no idea what he'd think of his daughter and he's not here to tell me.
So, yeah. I don't know what that means. I can guess, but I don't think I'd like the answer.
Here's the thing: I don't fantasize. I mean, sexually. I hear lots of people do it, and I fantasize a lot, but it's never really sex. I have about five or so standbys that I use to get to sleep, to entertain myself in the car or whenever I am bored out of my skull. I spend quite a bit of time in these daydreams, but they never really ever get to the sex part. The one time I did actually finish it before I fell asleep, I laid there afterwards and was like, "What do I do now?"
I usually use characters I like. Yeah, that's right: Methos, Jack, Ianto, some others I don't want to get into. The point is, I fantasize in UST and PG-13, and sometimes it's not even sexy at all.
Whatevs. The point is, they're fictional people.
Which I why I was startled and somewhat disturbed to find that last night I fantasized about Tianyu. And not in a sexy way. In a Scrubs-esque "what would have happened if he had been there for Viv's birth" way.
I don't know if this means that I've moved him into the realm of fictional. I don't know how that makes me feel. I never imagined Tianyu in any scenario that occurred after he died because I like to think I have no ides how he'd react. To anything. Imagining it is akin to putting words in his mouth, and I could never do that. So when people say, "Tianyu would have loved this," or "Tianyu would have adored VK" I keep mum because I can't agree. I have no idea what he'd think of his daughter and he's not here to tell me.
So, yeah. I don't know what that means. I can guess, but I don't think I'd like the answer.