(no subject)
Every morning when I fill my coffee mug with Folgers Colombian Roast I remind myself to go through the day with a positive outlook. I practice mindfulness exercises as the bathroom steams up, and I continue to be mindful as I'm washing my hair, my face, my body. When I shut off the water, I dry off and get back into my sweats. I light my morning cigarette in my back yard and think about all the things I need to accomplish during this day that I'm truly thankful to be alive for. I usually spend too much time sucking my cigarette down to the filter, so I rush through putting on my makeup and changing into my clothes for the day, but when I'm all set and ready to really start the day, I feel calm, collected, and above all, confident, that I will have a successful day.
I haven't quite defined what a "successful day" is, but I don't feel like I need to. I pray before bed and it reminds me that things are alright. There are always going to be things I need to work on. Right now I need to work on being healthy. I don't eat nearly enough, and I still binge and purge once, sometimes twice a week. My Mom is really pushing me to gain weight and has resorted to forcing me to drink Ensure under her supervision. It makes me angry but I drink it because I love her. I drink it because she deserves to feel like things are alright, and if by me drinking eight ounces of high fat, high carb nutritional supplement with dinner makes her feel better, then I will do it. I also need to work on the fact that I believe everything should come to me easily. I've always been THE BEST at everything I do without real effort, but I will never progress in life if I don't work hard. I read this quote somewhere that goes something like "The man with mediocre talent but works hard, will go much further than the man with infinite talent who never works towards what he wants." I'm working hard to accomplish my educational goals by doing every little thing possible to aid in my success. Or I'm trying to work hard at least. That is progress. So, if I go to bed feeling like I've done what I can, in the moments that I've had, with the sources I have, then it is a successful day.
I haven't felt this good in an extended and consecutive time frame in many years, if ever. I feels good to be able to smile, and laugh, to extend a hand to a person in need, and have people who will hold my hands when I'm in need. This summer most of my entries were focused around the fact that I was so lonely. Boy, was I lonely. Staying cooped up in my room definitely did not help that cause though. I'm making a full effort at school to talk to people, to make connections, even if it's only the one time that I'll ever see them on campus. Just speaking to people is a reminder that I'm not the only person in this universe. There are other people out there with very similar and very different interests as me, but there is still a connection because we are human. We are people who have physical and emotional needs. We are people who have all been lost at certain points in our lives and we are all people trying to feel stable on sometimes not so stable ground.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there IS a reason that you are here on this earth. We (as in my livejournal friends) have experienced tough lives. Some of us have suffered through tragic events; we've been victims at the hands of our parents, friends, strangers. We know loss. We've been at deaths door. We know what it is to live life in misery, such deep misery that we've contemplated, even attempted suicide. We've starved, binged and purged, used endless drugs, drunken years of our lives away. But these things do not have to dictate what you do in the next few minutes, tomorrow. next week, month, or year. You can stand up and say "Hey, I want to try and be happy for just five minutes today." It will feel fake, weird, maybe not even appropriate...at first. The more you do it, the more you smile, laugh, appreciate the smallest thing, it will become easier. Do it for yourself. Do it for your life. Do it for your dreams and aspirations. I know none of you aspire to be six feet under. So why are you living your life in a dark shadow when there are bits of light that you can grasp onto?
God, I sound corny.
I don't even know where this came from.
I haven't quite defined what a "successful day" is, but I don't feel like I need to. I pray before bed and it reminds me that things are alright. There are always going to be things I need to work on. Right now I need to work on being healthy. I don't eat nearly enough, and I still binge and purge once, sometimes twice a week. My Mom is really pushing me to gain weight and has resorted to forcing me to drink Ensure under her supervision. It makes me angry but I drink it because I love her. I drink it because she deserves to feel like things are alright, and if by me drinking eight ounces of high fat, high carb nutritional supplement with dinner makes her feel better, then I will do it. I also need to work on the fact that I believe everything should come to me easily. I've always been THE BEST at everything I do without real effort, but I will never progress in life if I don't work hard. I read this quote somewhere that goes something like "The man with mediocre talent but works hard, will go much further than the man with infinite talent who never works towards what he wants." I'm working hard to accomplish my educational goals by doing every little thing possible to aid in my success. Or I'm trying to work hard at least. That is progress. So, if I go to bed feeling like I've done what I can, in the moments that I've had, with the sources I have, then it is a successful day.
I haven't felt this good in an extended and consecutive time frame in many years, if ever. I feels good to be able to smile, and laugh, to extend a hand to a person in need, and have people who will hold my hands when I'm in need. This summer most of my entries were focused around the fact that I was so lonely. Boy, was I lonely. Staying cooped up in my room definitely did not help that cause though. I'm making a full effort at school to talk to people, to make connections, even if it's only the one time that I'll ever see them on campus. Just speaking to people is a reminder that I'm not the only person in this universe. There are other people out there with very similar and very different interests as me, but there is still a connection because we are human. We are people who have physical and emotional needs. We are people who have all been lost at certain points in our lives and we are all people trying to feel stable on sometimes not so stable ground.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there IS a reason that you are here on this earth. We (as in my livejournal friends) have experienced tough lives. Some of us have suffered through tragic events; we've been victims at the hands of our parents, friends, strangers. We know loss. We've been at deaths door. We know what it is to live life in misery, such deep misery that we've contemplated, even attempted suicide. We've starved, binged and purged, used endless drugs, drunken years of our lives away. But these things do not have to dictate what you do in the next few minutes, tomorrow. next week, month, or year. You can stand up and say "Hey, I want to try and be happy for just five minutes today." It will feel fake, weird, maybe not even appropriate...at first. The more you do it, the more you smile, laugh, appreciate the smallest thing, it will become easier. Do it for yourself. Do it for your life. Do it for your dreams and aspirations. I know none of you aspire to be six feet under. So why are you living your life in a dark shadow when there are bits of light that you can grasp onto?
God, I sound corny.
I don't even know where this came from.