June. Already?
There are times when I think that I should write here, and the delay makes it uncomfortable. There are also times when I think that I should write, but don't feel witty, or expansive. Excuses. I'm good with excuses.
The hearing went markedly better than I had thought it would. There was no blame or recrimination. Just a room full of people waiting their turn to sit down in front of the judge with their lawyer for 3 to 5 minutes and confirm that the information on their forms was correct, and yes, they had a plan to get out of it. I also learned in the process that, because of the nature of the way that the system works, there is no option for me to fail. The money to the Trustee is garnished from my checks, and that's that. As long as I'm employed at my current salary, there's no Fail involved. I made my first house payment in what felt like forever last month, and it felt good. I felt responsible again. I'm still catching up on some things with the utilities, but I can. And that's a good feeling too. There is no more hammer of imminent danger looming over my head. It's an odd feeling that I'll have to get used to.
Things haven't been as bad, in the light of reality, as they could be. My car runs. I have utilities. I'm still woefully unprepared for a crisis, but that's okay. Well, okay in that I realize that I have no control over it, and worrying about the possibility of future woes leaves me tired. I still don't look forward to coming home. I'm still not happy with who I am. I need to work on accepting the fact that, like it or not, who I am is who I am.
The job is still going okay. It's not exactly what I had been led to believe that it would be, and the shifting sands of politics may have moved me in a direction away from managing a team, but I'm still learning, still feeling as though I'm contributing, getting access to new tools. It could be much worse, for what I get paid and what I do. I think that the team that I work with isn't sure what to make of me. I can never afford to go out to lunch, but I never bring lunch in. I've only talked to one person about my personal problems, more as a warning to him. "Never get married." I tell him. "And stop at one child." While he emits sympathy, he also finds my tales of married discord hilarious. He's probably shared my stories with the rest of the team, since most of them socialize after work. I probably could open up to people, but it doesn't really feel natural. I think that I get that from my Dad. As bad as things might get at home, I'll do my best to be the best at what I do, and with any luck, noone would ever know. At least, until they hear about me on the news. True story, I actually had a coworker tell me about 10 years ago on my last day on the job that they had all decided that they would see me on the news someday. I've never forgotten that. It creeps me out. What does that say about me?
Still, it could be worse. I could still be working at the Fed. I learned lately that the primary function of the team that I was on there is being relocated to the 10th District, in Kansas City, and they'll need to find other positions. I hope that they'll be able to find something in the Bank, but I've never been an optimist. Weird. Every time that I leave a job, it turns out for the best. Every large company that I've worked for in town has either gone under, been bought and laid off most of the IT Support roles, or laid off most of the IT Support roles in an effort to cut costs and avoid going under or being bought out. My family believes that I'm blessed in some odd way. If I were a believer in a deity, I would be inclined to lean in that direction.
I'm currently still unmedicated. At the last Dr's appointment, he wrote a prescription for something new that I can't really afford. He wasn't too happy that I'd been unmedicated for as long as I had been, and told me that I need to look at it as maintenance medication, the same way that people with diabetes have to look at insulin. He also suggested seeing a therapist. I agree. I just need to find one. Oh, and I need to actually find room in the budget for a co-pay. I can't even afford to bring lunch and buy gas to get me through a pay period without begging someone for money to get me to work when I run out of gas money, so a therapist will have to wait a bit.
I actually wrote quite a bit more than I had believed that I would. It might still need editing, but it's there.
The hearing went markedly better than I had thought it would. There was no blame or recrimination. Just a room full of people waiting their turn to sit down in front of the judge with their lawyer for 3 to 5 minutes and confirm that the information on their forms was correct, and yes, they had a plan to get out of it. I also learned in the process that, because of the nature of the way that the system works, there is no option for me to fail. The money to the Trustee is garnished from my checks, and that's that. As long as I'm employed at my current salary, there's no Fail involved. I made my first house payment in what felt like forever last month, and it felt good. I felt responsible again. I'm still catching up on some things with the utilities, but I can. And that's a good feeling too. There is no more hammer of imminent danger looming over my head. It's an odd feeling that I'll have to get used to.
Things haven't been as bad, in the light of reality, as they could be. My car runs. I have utilities. I'm still woefully unprepared for a crisis, but that's okay. Well, okay in that I realize that I have no control over it, and worrying about the possibility of future woes leaves me tired. I still don't look forward to coming home. I'm still not happy with who I am. I need to work on accepting the fact that, like it or not, who I am is who I am.
The job is still going okay. It's not exactly what I had been led to believe that it would be, and the shifting sands of politics may have moved me in a direction away from managing a team, but I'm still learning, still feeling as though I'm contributing, getting access to new tools. It could be much worse, for what I get paid and what I do. I think that the team that I work with isn't sure what to make of me. I can never afford to go out to lunch, but I never bring lunch in. I've only talked to one person about my personal problems, more as a warning to him. "Never get married." I tell him. "And stop at one child." While he emits sympathy, he also finds my tales of married discord hilarious. He's probably shared my stories with the rest of the team, since most of them socialize after work. I probably could open up to people, but it doesn't really feel natural. I think that I get that from my Dad. As bad as things might get at home, I'll do my best to be the best at what I do, and with any luck, noone would ever know. At least, until they hear about me on the news. True story, I actually had a coworker tell me about 10 years ago on my last day on the job that they had all decided that they would see me on the news someday. I've never forgotten that. It creeps me out. What does that say about me?
Still, it could be worse. I could still be working at the Fed. I learned lately that the primary function of the team that I was on there is being relocated to the 10th District, in Kansas City, and they'll need to find other positions. I hope that they'll be able to find something in the Bank, but I've never been an optimist. Weird. Every time that I leave a job, it turns out for the best. Every large company that I've worked for in town has either gone under, been bought and laid off most of the IT Support roles, or laid off most of the IT Support roles in an effort to cut costs and avoid going under or being bought out. My family believes that I'm blessed in some odd way. If I were a believer in a deity, I would be inclined to lean in that direction.
I'm currently still unmedicated. At the last Dr's appointment, he wrote a prescription for something new that I can't really afford. He wasn't too happy that I'd been unmedicated for as long as I had been, and told me that I need to look at it as maintenance medication, the same way that people with diabetes have to look at insulin. He also suggested seeing a therapist. I agree. I just need to find one. Oh, and I need to actually find room in the budget for a co-pay. I can't even afford to bring lunch and buy gas to get me through a pay period without begging someone for money to get me to work when I run out of gas money, so a therapist will have to wait a bit.
I actually wrote quite a bit more than I had believed that I would. It might still need editing, but it's there.