=(
Here's a toast
To all those
Who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon...
I dont fuckin wanna move to Florida! Thats all thats on my mind right now. I just had a huge fight with my mom over it. I hate it there. I hope a hurricane kills me the first fuckin night i move in. I just found out we're now going "mid june". It is getting earlier and earlier ever time we dicuss it. My mom has made promises she is MOT keeping. She's also said numoroud times that ive had a choice when in actuality... i never have.
I came home from school today to find strange scary men working in my bathroom. No one else was home and my mom neglected to tell me they were coming. I locked myself in my room and all i could think about was how much i dont wanna move. My house is being torn apart and everything is beginning to change. I liked they way my house was broken before. Call me crazy, but its what i was used to. I tried explaining to my mom that "i NEED another summer here" and all she can say in her defense is "well, thats the way it is kid, i dont know what to tell ya". I cant even believe this is happening to me. How did this all even come about?? I wish it was all some horrible nightmare and i'm gonna wake up in this house when i'm 80 years old. I never wanna leave. I am rediculously bad with goodbyes. Everyone who knows me describes me as a strong individual. I dont wanna dissapoint you all, but when this all finally goes through, i know im be depressed as hell. Look what its doing to me already!! I live my life doing whatever it takes to make the people i love happy. Thats what makes me happy. Im not going to have any friends in Florida. So who am i gonna make happy? And how will i ever be happy? Thats just the thing, i wont be. I'm normally very optimistic but this whole thing just feels so wrong. Is the next step in my life really going to be moving to Florida?? Wow, that totally sucks. I really like Farmingdale so far. But go figure, they are ripping me out of the school before i can even finish it's 2-year program. Thats just GREAT.
Ya know whats funny?? A couple of days ago I was getting ready to write an entry on how i was actually starting to be ok with moving there. Heh, fuck that. My mom and I had a conversation about one of her friends down there. Her 18 year old daughter stayed up here for the first year while her whole family moved down there. She got an apartment cuz she couldnt see herself moving. ((sound familiar?!)) Well, it turns out she wound up satying here for a year then wound up moving down there. She got accepted to an awesome college, got a great job and found an amazing boyfriend. She's apparently the happiest she's ever been now. She was on my shoes and felt the same way. Now she happy? Heh, sounds like bullshit. But hey, my mom kinda got me ok with going.... for like a DAY! Every person is differnt and i really dont wanna go. Cuz do i really think my life will be all peachy do there?? Nah.
Grr, i dont know. I guess I just wish my mom would be a little more understanding. I think im being a fairly good sport about going.. (Well, to her face atleast).. and i think i deserve the respect to be talked to with alittle more sympathy. Instead, she talks to me very blunt and makes the situation alot harder. I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS EVEN HAPPENING TO ME!! I am starting to lose faith in the saying I normally live by. Everything happens for a reason? Well, i guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I've givin up all hope i think. Lets see, I have roughly 9 months left in this great state. I guess i'll have to make the best of every second. Live life to the fullest. I think I can handle that. I just gotta get through the rough night like this one. And when im gone... ugh... i dont even know. I dont wanna think about it right now. I love you all.... I truely do ='(