(no subject)
i havent written in here in a long time. my life has been insane. first i cheated on brandon, broke up with him and started dating samuel, then i decided i wanted to get back together with brandon, and now im missing samuel like hell. so for the first time in like 2 and 1/2 months i saw samuel for coffee, when i told brandon he was super upset, and said something along the lines of him wanting to kill him. i freaked and left, and when he called me to apologize it was insincere and he once again wouldnt stop talking shit about samuel. what a fucking whirlwind. brandon needs to get over the fact im still friends with samuel, and he knows hes important to me, so i dont understand why he feels the need to say such harmful and scary things, it really makes me second guess his character. i love being with samuel though, while i was getting ready to see him i was so giddy and had [cliche as it sounds] butterflies in my stomach. brandon doesnt make me feel that way. ut when it comes to being a better boyfriend and being more dependable, brandon is that person. samuel seemed at a loss to even know how relationships work, even though hes been in more than me. i love them both but i hate being in this tug-o-war, which ive been in for a year and a half now, im exhausted from it. i wish i knew what to do, both have their advantages and disadvantages. but when i think about my life in the future, i cant picture not knowing samuel, and though it would be hard at first, i can see myself growing more distant from brandon. i dont know why im writting this, no one ever reads these dumb things anyways, i guess im so pathetic that i have no friends that i have to talk to a computer. i truly have 3 best friends, one of which has been traveling the last few weekends, the other moved to san fran, and the other im not talking to currently because of petty reasons which i dont think either of really give a damn about, its probably more about self pride than anything. everything is just so rediculous anymore, school is so much effort, and im so nervous about appyling to kendall, i wonder if im good enough, and if i am to get in, will i even be able to get a job after i graduate, its not like being a photographer is a very steady and reliable profession, but its the only thing im good at. also i find myself becoming more and more of a pessimist, like something good happens, and then two minutes ater im over it an i just keep making this list in my head of all my anxietys, its not healthy. and like 2 months ago i quit my job because it was interfering with my school work, but now all im doing is babysitting twice a week, and it barely covers gas ad groceries, and i owe money to my step dad i dont have, and i worry im not going to be able to find a job before the holidays and ill just feel like a failure in front of my family. everything in my life seems like its working its way to a very grown up ultimatum, and im just not sure if im ready for it, all i know is a feel as though i should just stay in bed all day tomorrow. if anyone read this, thanks, it means alot to no that anyone even cares. goodnight