I Fucked Up (All The Bad Things)
Lets be frank.
I'm going to be completely honest with you,
Invisible audience that doesn't read anything I do.
I have fucked up a lot of my life.
If I could go back and fix it though at this point,
I'm not sure I would.
This was going to be a random 'I need to spew my guts out to every insignificant nothing (because I don't really have anyone who reads anything I write) out there in place of my horrendously terrible rash and bloody thoughts' journals. But I think I'm just going to drain everything into this terrible little piece of shit.
Does it matter?
Doubtful.
Like I said,
The only person who will read this will be me in the future.
I just got really fucking sidetracked by reading homestuck.
Alright back on subject.
My hell started a long time ago when a car accident claimed the sanity I have left.
Bills started there, and have never stopped.
I was 18.
I could forever blame it on being a 'crazy college kid' but I know that it is forever my fault.
70+mph ramming into a tree doesn't just happen.
If you click the image, the story can tell you all about it.
I on the other hand, can't. I don't remember much of it.
That day, July 13th 2010 i learned,
Well I learned that I was not indestructible for one.
That I should have physically died in that terrible mind shattering failure.
But I didn't.
The next year, July 13th 2011 another car t-boned me when I hydroplaned into them as well during a storm.
Darkie's storm was never really shared.. it was all rather common sense. Not my fault sort of ordeal.
That same year my boyfriend of god knows how many years dumped me because I was 'writing another story with another guy friend of mine'.
I wonder.
Are all men the same?
I have a few guys that follow me, and if anyone reads this bullshit,
Can you tell me;
If your friend,
and your significant other,
Or for that matter,
A video game or a video, or anything you want to do pops up-- what would you rather do?
Maybe it's a girl's attachment then? I don't quite understand how you could blow a girl off like that.
*sigh*
Not like I have enough emotional issues or anything.
Last time I checked each partner was supposed to be there for the other in their times of need. Or am I wrong?
My sister was right.
Chivalry is dead.
Such a pity.. :/
Lost my job July 11th 2012.
Just fired me.
Was on leave for a medical order, got back and I was jobless.
Been waiting for unemployment for the longest mother fucking time.
Been looking for a job so I can get my ass to Texas.
God this is hell.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
No one wants to hire me.
I have a fucking Computer Engineering degree and I can't even get a job at a fucking hotel.
West Virginia can suck a cock.
I cry a lot.
Nearly every night.
There's no one here to talk to.
I wear a mask a lot around my room mate.
My parents.
My skype friends never know because I don't need them to worry about me.
I really don't need anyone to worry about me.
I feel so lost.
So lonely.
So broken.
Like everything is falling again,
and no one will listen to me.
I really don't want to try anything rash again.
But it's getting so hard to feel whole.
This place is killing me.
And there's currently,
No way out.
I'm going to be completely honest with you,
Invisible audience that doesn't read anything I do.
I have fucked up a lot of my life.
If I could go back and fix it though at this point,
I'm not sure I would.
This was going to be a random 'I need to spew my guts out to every insignificant nothing (because I don't really have anyone who reads anything I write) out there in place of my horrendously terrible rash and bloody thoughts' journals. But I think I'm just going to drain everything into this terrible little piece of shit.
Does it matter?
Doubtful.
Like I said,
The only person who will read this will be me in the future.
I just got really fucking sidetracked by reading homestuck.
Alright back on subject.
My hell started a long time ago when a car accident claimed the sanity I have left.
Bills started there, and have never stopped.
I was 18.
I could forever blame it on being a 'crazy college kid' but I know that it is forever my fault.
70+mph ramming into a tree doesn't just happen.
If you click the image, the story can tell you all about it.
I on the other hand, can't. I don't remember much of it.
That day, July 13th 2010 i learned,
Well I learned that I was not indestructible for one.
That I should have physically died in that terrible mind shattering failure.
But I didn't.
The next year, July 13th 2011 another car t-boned me when I hydroplaned into them as well during a storm.
Darkie's storm was never really shared.. it was all rather common sense. Not my fault sort of ordeal.
That same year my boyfriend of god knows how many years dumped me because I was 'writing another story with another guy friend of mine'.
I wonder.
Are all men the same?
I have a few guys that follow me, and if anyone reads this bullshit,
Can you tell me;
If your friend,
and your significant other,
Or for that matter,
A video game or a video, or anything you want to do pops up-- what would you rather do?
Maybe it's a girl's attachment then? I don't quite understand how you could blow a girl off like that.
*sigh*
Not like I have enough emotional issues or anything.
Last time I checked each partner was supposed to be there for the other in their times of need. Or am I wrong?
My sister was right.
Chivalry is dead.
Such a pity.. :/
Lost my job July 11th 2012.
Just fired me.
Was on leave for a medical order, got back and I was jobless.
Been waiting for unemployment for the longest mother fucking time.
Been looking for a job so I can get my ass to Texas.
God this is hell.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
No one wants to hire me.
I have a fucking Computer Engineering degree and I can't even get a job at a fucking hotel.
West Virginia can suck a cock.
I cry a lot.
Nearly every night.
There's no one here to talk to.
I wear a mask a lot around my room mate.
My parents.
My skype friends never know because I don't need them to worry about me.
I really don't need anyone to worry about me.
I feel so lost.
So lonely.
So broken.
Like everything is falling again,
and no one will listen to me.
I really don't want to try anything rash again.
But it's getting so hard to feel whole.
This place is killing me.
And there's currently,
No way out.