(no subject)
surprisingly enough i dont feel upset. in a way im scared that my emotions are going to come back and bite me in the ass...but i dont think so. not at this moment. im seeing this for what it is and it doesnt upset me really. like it normally would. oddly enough i just feel weird. but not in a bad way. maybe relieved? even. im not sure how i mean that....but im not really that surprised at the things that happen with my life. i think its the anticipation of it happening is what makes me go bonkers. not the situations themselves.
i went to carteret park for a second and just looked at the water and surrendered to god. i said its in your hands...and that maybe ive been a lil cocky with that im the only person that creates my future or has control of my fate and what will happen. i dont have any control over it and i dont care. not in a bad way tho. not in a way that makes me numb. and then i looked around me. beautiful day...kids playing in the park...its hot out but it didnt take away from how beautiful everything looked. i got home...i set my stuff down and said...this does not change my life or what i am doing. and this is why im ok. im not dying...
"i feel alive...yea...i....oohhh i feel alive..yeaa..." i dont know the name of that song but it is playing and i like it. its old school.
i called tia..jenn...vented a lil bit...but not even in a hysterical way like i normally would. got off the phone. listened to the neighbors playing loud music. music that i enjoy. and i didnt feel like i had any reason to be upset.
when i get upset its because i feel like i cant handle my life...like i cant handle what is to come...what will happen...what wont happen...i get angry at people because i put myself on a pedestal in a way. i tell myself that i am a fragile and overly sensitive human being. but im really not. this is why i get anxiety attacks. bc i tell myself these false things and my body reacts to it. ive been through a shit worth of stuff...and im still here. living, breathing, and besides the basics......nothing ever stops me from achieving a healthy and normal life. nothing. my insecurties do not stop me, my crying does not stop me, in fact....they only help me. show me what i need to do...that, that is the process of doing it.
and i said to myself...what a perfect time to do this. not in a sarcastic way.....i really mean that.
cant wait to see poser...and ericas baby shower is today. i dont think we're going back to erins tho she said she doesnt wanna be home...so im guessing we're gonna stay down here and smoke? idk.