Sep 03, 2006 16:30
So billy leaves tomorrow after noon. I found out he's coming back in the middle of october for a week and then going back. these past couple of days he's become reclusive again. i don't know why he does that right before he leaves. i hope its becasue he's disconnecting with people so its easier to leave but i know it has nothing to do with that. what i want never happens. what i hope for never comes through. i was telling jess that him and her brother are a lot alike but there is one HUGE difference. Patrick has a conscience. if he hurts your feels he shows some sortof remorse at some point or another. he eventually does something to make up for it. bill just doesnt give a damn. that's a hard thing to deal with. i know he's been fucked over in the past... and people think i'm bitter... but it just hurts because i would never do anything to ever intentionally hurt him (physically, emotionally or other wise). for some reason i can't stop my self from bending over backwards for him. i know i shouldnt because hes all about being a loner and standing on his own and all that other crap but its not like i'm trying ot support him or anything or tie him down. what's so wrong with wanting to make someone dinner? we used to be snuggly and he barely sits on the same couch as me any more. i'm not in love with him. thats perfectly clear. but i do care about him. its gonna be hard with him gone though. i'll survive. i've survived worse and i'll survive this with flying colors. rob started a fire last night in the pit so me, him and his friend just chilled outside. next saturday i'm having people over to just chill outside. i went out to walmart and got some chairs for out there. got 4 coleman brand folding chairs, which makes 5 for the house cuz Rob's got one. we can also bring out the dining room chairs and such. i'm going to stephs friend Matts house to watch some VM and Entourage thrown in there. i just wish i could be happy. i want a very big drink. steph wanted to know if i wanted to bring anything to drink at matts but i have to take allergy pills so i cant drink anything like that. i havent had a drink in such a long time. i'm proud of myself. rob thinks i was hammered that one night my key wouldnt work in the lock. i wasnt drunk. if i drank at all i only had, like, 1 or 2 drinks. i was tired and cranky but God for fucking bid anyone believe me. its easier to believe i'm an alkie i guess. which at this point in life, hurts my feelings. i just want to hypnotize him and get all the answers. make him tell the truth as to why he's so closed off, so cold, so distant. and what its gonna take to break down those walls. i can't suduce him. he wants what he wants and when he wants it and if he dosent it want it you have a snow balls chance in hell of changing his mind. i just want some answers that i'll never get. and i want to live, just me and him, in his house when the lease is up. hopefully something will work out or i'm fucked.