Aug 19, 2008 04:41
I've been doing a lot of life thinking lately. It's very funny to me that I had my whole life planned out by the age of 14 and nothing i thought would happen, actually happened. This is not to say I'm in any way dissatisfied with my life, I guess I'm just amused at the oh so different path it actually took. For instance, I 100% thought I'd be married with kids by now, and here I am boyfriendless with 4 pet rats. haha
I guess I went down the "love path" for the first part of my life, and after many failed attempts and heart break I just kinda lost hope or lost trying. My last serious relationship left me with a lot of heartbreak and I coped by diving myself into work. I became addicted to work and well, 2 years later, work is good but i find myself coming home to an empty bed every single night. To explain "just how married to work i am"...i sleep with my laptop. No joke, my mac gets super hot when it's on...and since i'm usually on my laptop for the last 3 hours before I fall asleep, it's super hot and I just slide it under my side pillow and cuddle with it. I wish I were joking, but I'm soooo not. Then I also sleep with my rats, well the girls anyways, since i can't potty train the splinter and Gus Gus for the life of me....so here I am at 24 sleeping with my laptop and 2 rats...i mean i gotta laugh. If you told me that when I was 14 I would've laughed and probably said ewwww i hate rats' tails, unless it's the 80's and it's on the back of my head, cuz oh ya i rocked that shit...
Basically what sparked this was going to my best friend's wedding. It was very nostalgic for me. I moved to Los Angeles 3 years ago and she was my first friend and I lived with her and Andrew...and later got engaged and now married....i kinda realized how much time had passed and how they were moving forward with their life and how in love they were...and i really started to think to myself about how I'm not sure that at this point in my life right now I'm capable of that. I think after my last heart break and the loss of Brian...i kinda checked out. I mean I haven't had that crazy butterfly in the stomach feeling in years...and i'm wondering if i ever will.
My career is good, but it's just one of those things that it's gonna be awhile before i can make a lot of money at it and do movies I really wanna do...also i'm not the kind of person that will do one job for the rest of her life...and it sucks that in 5 years if i decide I wanna do PR or be an agent instead of editing...i'd have to start from scratch...i'd love to have many jobs...i love change. I think my father nurtured that into my life moving me around every 2-3 years. I tell you, after 2 years of living somewhere I'm all antsy and ready to leave...i hope that eventually goes away...I had to get out of los angeles, cuz I completely hated it there, but 6 months later I find myself bored in Lafayette...I need to move to New York City...it's where I've always wanted to live my entire life. My friend BG asked me why today, and I stumbled upon an answer that I didn't know until I said it...and it actually makes sense...Growing up in Germany, the main news I heard about USA was NYC, DC or Los Angeles...so USA was NYC to me...i thought of that as home...so living everywhere in the world, I guess that's what I always associated with home. I feel like I've always been drawn there...every time I visit there I wanna cry on the plane back home...i think i have a couple times.
I love the subway, the lots of people, the black, the cold, the dunkin' donuts coffee, the artists, the tall buildings, Broadway just the whole vibe. I've had that bug in me my whole life but never took the plug b/c of how expensive it is...even more than Los Angeles...but i really can't take it anymore. My life isn't going to start in Lafayette...Im basically just here for work...ergo work is my life which sucks...i need to get a bunch of credits, make as much money as I can, learn as much as possible, join the editor's guild already, get a reel together and just fuck it and move to NYC before I miss the best years of my life to live there...so long as I live in Lafayette...my work is my life...not that I dont love what I do, cuz I absolutely do...but you have to take breaks...i mean i love cheese fondue more than anything in this world, but i can't have it every day...well actually i probably could, but i couldn't eat it every second of my life...
I wanna be surrounded by ambitious, smart people and I want to be inspired. I've always said if I won the lottery i'd be there in a heartbeat, but let's be honest, I can't wait on that for the rest of my life...i just need to do this for a while, b/c it's the smartest thing for my career.
ugh why can i motivate everyone on the planet except for myself??
So that's my life...work, rats and my laptop...and actually I'm ok with that...so long as I'm in NYC with Dunkin donuts' coffee and the rats aren't sewer rats, but my own...idk i'll figure out and find my way...i always do
kristen quintrall life