optimism
this summer i have been unfailingly optimistic. as anyone who has ever spent more than five minutes will tell you i am not optimistic. on any level. i try not to be pessimistic and often consider myself a realist but in all honest i am much more inclined toward pessimism than optimism. so the fact that i have honestly been convinced all summer that everything would work out for the best says a lot about how much i really wanted this. it seems like i wanted it so much that i wouldn't even consider the possibility that it wouldn't happen. i still believe that i deserve what i wanted, i still want it, i can't come up with a single legitimate reason for this not to happen. i would also like to add that not only have i not gotten what i wanted out of this summer but other things have gone wrong. things i thought i already had have been lost or taken away from me. i'm at a loss for what to do. i have done everything i can think of to do to make this work. i feel like giving up. the thing is that i know if i give up this will never happen but i've reached the mental breaking point and i think that even if i dedicate all my energy to this it still wouldn't happen. i have to give up and move on. i need to find something to do with my life for a while. i need to start sleeping again. not exactly sure how to make that one happen either. i need to get stuff ready for grad school. i need to study for the GREs and take them. i need to write a personal statement. o goody. i need to get all the recommendation letters together. i need to deal with all the unraveling ends that my life seems to have accumulated recently. i plan to leave in under a year and i don't want to leave a nuclear waste dump behind.
the first thing i need to do is accept that my hopes for this year aren't going to be fulfilled. then after that i have to make sure my plans for next year do work out and that my past isn't a nightmare that haunts me. that may sound weird. it's not that there are things that might come back to bite me in the ass, it's just that i feel i need closure on a few thing before i can honestly move on with my life. we'll see.
the first thing i need to do is accept that my hopes for this year aren't going to be fulfilled. then after that i have to make sure my plans for next year do work out and that my past isn't a nightmare that haunts me. that may sound weird. it's not that there are things that might come back to bite me in the ass, it's just that i feel i need closure on a few thing before i can honestly move on with my life. we'll see.