The way I wish it went.
There's only one time in my life when I was really happy and I was always reaching for more.
I wanted it all. I wanted everything to be perfect. I didn't want to wait. I wanted the job, the apartment, everything, and I wanted it then.
Yeah, that kind of thing never could have gone on forever anyway, but damn, baby, it really made me feel like life was complete in a way I wish I'd realized at the time.
Fear drives us sometimes. I'm sick of giving in to it.
I can't stop thinking about what I want more than anything and how I can never have it. I can't stop thinking about how I know exactly where I want to end up in my life and I'm so far from it now I can't even taste a hint of it.
I can't stop thinking about how I'm the only one that wants to taste it.
Damn baby, it was so sweet.
Late night ramblings. What fun, huh?
Tommorrow I should find out if I got the job. I'm thinking about coming up to State College to celebrate if I get it. We'll see. Here's hoping.
I went out with Chris tonight. Haven't hung out with him like that in a long time. Not since that fight in the North End that time I went to Boston to see him. We went to Chilli's for dinner, he took me to Naked for dessert tea and chocolate, we saw HollywoodLand with Janine, then the three of us sat around on the Art Museum steps talking about life until 2:30 a.m.
It was nice. It was perfect for me tonight, but I know that I want more than that. I want that nice friendship, those sober nights filled with things to do and places to go...but I also want the excitement. The intoxication from all things from love-drugs. I hate to feel unwanted, worthless, and, most of all, bored.
It was nice to hang out with a guy friend. It's been a while since I've been completely comfortable around a guy, completely trusting. I didn't realize just how much my mindset had been fucked because of situations that happened. I shoulda noticed the pattern. One guy breaks my trust in men and I go on slut spree 2003. I find someone I love and trust and I'm completely happy and faithful. Then my trust gets broken again and I go on slut spree 2006. No more. I don't need to take everything I know I can get. I sure do love the attention though. I really miss being in love, but how can I love if I don't trust? Need to work on that one before I'm in love with the impossible for the rest of my life and end up settling like some people who will remain nameless. (none of whom are reading this journal, so don't worry)
I wanted it all. I wanted everything to be perfect. I didn't want to wait. I wanted the job, the apartment, everything, and I wanted it then.
Yeah, that kind of thing never could have gone on forever anyway, but damn, baby, it really made me feel like life was complete in a way I wish I'd realized at the time.
Fear drives us sometimes. I'm sick of giving in to it.
I can't stop thinking about what I want more than anything and how I can never have it. I can't stop thinking about how I know exactly where I want to end up in my life and I'm so far from it now I can't even taste a hint of it.
I can't stop thinking about how I'm the only one that wants to taste it.
Damn baby, it was so sweet.
Late night ramblings. What fun, huh?
Tommorrow I should find out if I got the job. I'm thinking about coming up to State College to celebrate if I get it. We'll see. Here's hoping.
I went out with Chris tonight. Haven't hung out with him like that in a long time. Not since that fight in the North End that time I went to Boston to see him. We went to Chilli's for dinner, he took me to Naked for dessert tea and chocolate, we saw HollywoodLand with Janine, then the three of us sat around on the Art Museum steps talking about life until 2:30 a.m.
It was nice. It was perfect for me tonight, but I know that I want more than that. I want that nice friendship, those sober nights filled with things to do and places to go...but I also want the excitement. The intoxication from all things from love-drugs. I hate to feel unwanted, worthless, and, most of all, bored.
It was nice to hang out with a guy friend. It's been a while since I've been completely comfortable around a guy, completely trusting. I didn't realize just how much my mindset had been fucked because of situations that happened. I shoulda noticed the pattern. One guy breaks my trust in men and I go on slut spree 2003. I find someone I love and trust and I'm completely happy and faithful. Then my trust gets broken again and I go on slut spree 2006. No more. I don't need to take everything I know I can get. I sure do love the attention though. I really miss being in love, but how can I love if I don't trust? Need to work on that one before I'm in love with the impossible for the rest of my life and end up settling like some people who will remain nameless. (none of whom are reading this journal, so don't worry)