Addiction
I think it might be possible to addicted to a person. That's my only explanation. I'm not sure if it's destructive or if it's just a form of expression and shouldn't be labeled or judged. It's definitely a pattern and fulfilling and at the same time disappointing, but I'm beginning to believe I shouldn't try to completely understand and analyze it. It's just one of those things that I do and on some levels works and on others does not. I admit, it is fun and a bit of an adventure and a release and a welcome distraction from my worries and stress these days.
I'm a bit lost these days. More than usual. Strangely, I'm not depressed about it. In a way, I'm more accepting than I am usually capable of, that everything is up in the air right now and that I'm not sure what to do or what is possible. I'm not sure what I even want which is the main problem. Or, I have conflicting wants, so it's difficult to reconcile everything. I really wonder how everything will turn out and how I'll look back on this time in a year or two.
I'm definitely hoping things get easier but I think realistically they'll get more confusing and gut-wrenching before they're fully worked out. It's strange how I've gotten to this place. When I compare myself to others and my friends I am appalled that things for me have stayed relatively the same. Maybe because I've stayed in Korea for so long? But then when I try to look at the big picture and where I was a few years ago, I do see the small but significant changes that have occurred that I take for granted and almost forget about. My Korean is much better, at least my understanding is compared to even a year ago. My french is strangely better as well and both of these have been things that improved so slowly, I didn't even realize they happened. I like my Korean painting class and it is kind of amazing that I finally found a teacher and a class to learn this after many years of wanting to learn Korean folk painting but having no idea how to go about it. And it happened because of a big synchronicity, not because I analyzed it to death to try to figure out how to make it happen or because I made a grand effort.
Life is definitely strange. I definitely need to have more faith in things. My life now compared to a few months ago when Manu and I broke up is definitely a world different even though I am living in the same place and doing a lot of the same things. My perspective greatly changed. I escaped too much into that relationship which I have a tendency to do, which I know is not uncommon.
Still, I can't see the big picture right now, and it's definitely unnerving. Will everything work out? Will I be satisfied in the end? Before I leave Korea? After I leave? When should I leave? Hmm.
I'm a bit lost these days. More than usual. Strangely, I'm not depressed about it. In a way, I'm more accepting than I am usually capable of, that everything is up in the air right now and that I'm not sure what to do or what is possible. I'm not sure what I even want which is the main problem. Or, I have conflicting wants, so it's difficult to reconcile everything. I really wonder how everything will turn out and how I'll look back on this time in a year or two.
I'm definitely hoping things get easier but I think realistically they'll get more confusing and gut-wrenching before they're fully worked out. It's strange how I've gotten to this place. When I compare myself to others and my friends I am appalled that things for me have stayed relatively the same. Maybe because I've stayed in Korea for so long? But then when I try to look at the big picture and where I was a few years ago, I do see the small but significant changes that have occurred that I take for granted and almost forget about. My Korean is much better, at least my understanding is compared to even a year ago. My french is strangely better as well and both of these have been things that improved so slowly, I didn't even realize they happened. I like my Korean painting class and it is kind of amazing that I finally found a teacher and a class to learn this after many years of wanting to learn Korean folk painting but having no idea how to go about it. And it happened because of a big synchronicity, not because I analyzed it to death to try to figure out how to make it happen or because I made a grand effort.
Life is definitely strange. I definitely need to have more faith in things. My life now compared to a few months ago when Manu and I broke up is definitely a world different even though I am living in the same place and doing a lot of the same things. My perspective greatly changed. I escaped too much into that relationship which I have a tendency to do, which I know is not uncommon.
Still, I can't see the big picture right now, and it's definitely unnerving. Will everything work out? Will I be satisfied in the end? Before I leave Korea? After I leave? When should I leave? Hmm.