It's been awhile...
It's kind of sad that I abandoned this blog for so long. I'm reading up on my history in Korea and with a certain someone that started years ago, six to be exact. Minus two years when I was living in nyc. Why is it I end up sleeping with him still? Why, oh, why, oh, why.
Dying on the inside a bit because I realized, looking back over the years of entries that when I first came back to Korea and was with another frenchie, that the OG actually did admit that he still liked me and told me nothing happened with Evil Child. And this was recently confirmed although with far more details than I cared to hear.
It's funny that when I read my past entries of the time he dissed me for Norway, how I was kind of already tired of him and how he treated me so my entry was seriously lacked emotion. I remember it was a distressing time except for the fact that Manu was beginning to be in the picture. How the hell did this all happen that I'm back with sleeping with the OG but know I could never be in a relationship with him after I tried two years ago. Have I not evolved at all?
Honestly, my memory is really hazy. It makes me sad that I didn't realize that he did still like me (though it was greatly qualified with "sometimes" which made me hate him and not take him seriously) after I came back the first time. Basically his anger was a big tip off and him making fun of me to his class and such. He was pissed/disappointed I was with the other frenchie. Very strange stuff. I'm surprised I didn't dump the other frenchie for the OG since I had spent a full year at home pining for the OG now and then. Still, I know I had my own distractions in nyc. And I think I didn't admit to myself how much I liked him then; I didn't even realize then that I had pined for him for a year. Was I in love? What exactly is it, to be in love?
I admit I wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him even though we are so different and volatile. Maybe it would get him out of my system? I think he has actually had a pretty big influence on my life. More than I care to admit. I told him half-jokingly in a recent moonja that he should start a cult, religious and sexual of minions and that in a way he already has. He has slept with adoptees to make them "realize" they could like and sexually fit with a Korean. Part of me respects this and part of me finds it despicable. Still, it is what it is, right? I don't know what it is exactly, but it's comforting, though disturbing, to realize as I know him now that his behaviour in the past, not all of it, but some of it was proof he actually did like me. Kind of.
However. He has too many options here. Too many girls who like and spoil him. So what do I do with that?
I still don't know what I want in regards to my life and in regards to him. I'm so grown up or something now because I'm much more realistic and I do feel we are just friends who sleep together but that also seems a bit sad and pathetic to me. What the hell. Why are we like this? What the fuck happened? Why am I like this? If it were possible to be in a real relationship with him, would that really make me feel better it? I honestly can't imagine being in a relationship with him now.
I admit, I "love" him in a way and he has a special place in my heart, blah, blah, blah. It scares me how such a dysfunctional thing has had such an impact on me and the choices I've made. I know it's greatly wrapped up in adoptee issues and things, but did it really have to manifest in this way?
Dying on the inside a bit because I realized, looking back over the years of entries that when I first came back to Korea and was with another frenchie, that the OG actually did admit that he still liked me and told me nothing happened with Evil Child. And this was recently confirmed although with far more details than I cared to hear.
It's funny that when I read my past entries of the time he dissed me for Norway, how I was kind of already tired of him and how he treated me so my entry was seriously lacked emotion. I remember it was a distressing time except for the fact that Manu was beginning to be in the picture. How the hell did this all happen that I'm back with sleeping with the OG but know I could never be in a relationship with him after I tried two years ago. Have I not evolved at all?
Honestly, my memory is really hazy. It makes me sad that I didn't realize that he did still like me (though it was greatly qualified with "sometimes" which made me hate him and not take him seriously) after I came back the first time. Basically his anger was a big tip off and him making fun of me to his class and such. He was pissed/disappointed I was with the other frenchie. Very strange stuff. I'm surprised I didn't dump the other frenchie for the OG since I had spent a full year at home pining for the OG now and then. Still, I know I had my own distractions in nyc. And I think I didn't admit to myself how much I liked him then; I didn't even realize then that I had pined for him for a year. Was I in love? What exactly is it, to be in love?
I admit I wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him even though we are so different and volatile. Maybe it would get him out of my system? I think he has actually had a pretty big influence on my life. More than I care to admit. I told him half-jokingly in a recent moonja that he should start a cult, religious and sexual of minions and that in a way he already has. He has slept with adoptees to make them "realize" they could like and sexually fit with a Korean. Part of me respects this and part of me finds it despicable. Still, it is what it is, right? I don't know what it is exactly, but it's comforting, though disturbing, to realize as I know him now that his behaviour in the past, not all of it, but some of it was proof he actually did like me. Kind of.
However. He has too many options here. Too many girls who like and spoil him. So what do I do with that?
I still don't know what I want in regards to my life and in regards to him. I'm so grown up or something now because I'm much more realistic and I do feel we are just friends who sleep together but that also seems a bit sad and pathetic to me. What the hell. Why are we like this? What the fuck happened? Why am I like this? If it were possible to be in a real relationship with him, would that really make me feel better it? I honestly can't imagine being in a relationship with him now.
I admit, I "love" him in a way and he has a special place in my heart, blah, blah, blah. It scares me how such a dysfunctional thing has had such an impact on me and the choices I've made. I know it's greatly wrapped up in adoptee issues and things, but did it really have to manifest in this way?