6 years older, 6 years wiser.
I dug up this old LJ because I need some place to be invisible. I have just begun a career, I have a family, own a house, have a beautiful little girl, and own a business. I have deployed to war, married a stranger, homesteaded in the middle of nowhere, built a house, been terribly hurt, and caused hurt in return. Here I am starting over, picking up pieces and trying to create something out of nothing.
I don't see my husband much anymore. We work different shifts and we are but ships passing in the night.
I am terribly alone, doubting my faith, discovering who or what I am. It seems a continual process wrought with frustration and wrong paths. I made a couple friends. I like to talk to them about things and I find myself struggling to refrain from reaching out for honest and intimate (non-sexual) community. I need that. One is a Bible-believing ministry-driven man with a wife and 6 kids. The other is a tough Navy man from a broken home with a tumultuous relationship. They could be polar opposites, but I find a get of perspective from talking to either of them. Like in fiction, however, they serve as foils to a main character. In my story, that character is me. There are vivid, three dimensional characters included, but these are two dimensional. They only sharpen and color the image of the character, but they do not alter or create. My husband is a fellow character- a changing, loving, warring fellow with a great purpose and a shady past. We toil together against foes, but we do not know each other. I don't know if we ever got the chance. He became my lover so quickly that we may not have had time to become good friends. I am starting to wish I had someone to be broken and ugly with; a friend with no vested interest. Lovers should not be best friends nor best friends lovers, says some French lady on NPR. I didn't get a chance to hear the rest of the show, but I have thought long and hard on this notion. Friends are not vested so strongly in the outcome of your life. Maybe you decide you don't want to live in a house with a white picket fence and your friends think it's just fine for you to rid your life of clutter and live in a camper, traveling the states. Your friends rejoice with you that you are seeking freedom. They live vicariously through your adventures though they make shake their head at some of your decisions.
A lover may grow angry when you announce your desire to cut your hair. The littlest changes affect them directly in life. Both of you are tied down and trapped by it. Friends could give two shits, and they may be happy to see you try something crazy. Lovers are protective. How complex relationships can be!
A friend can listen to all your crazy ramblings about God and life and all the great heaps of doubt you carry in regard to all of it! A lover is so concerned with your well being or your faith that they choke it out of you.
Today I need a friend, but my lover will soon be home.
I don't see my husband much anymore. We work different shifts and we are but ships passing in the night.
I am terribly alone, doubting my faith, discovering who or what I am. It seems a continual process wrought with frustration and wrong paths. I made a couple friends. I like to talk to them about things and I find myself struggling to refrain from reaching out for honest and intimate (non-sexual) community. I need that. One is a Bible-believing ministry-driven man with a wife and 6 kids. The other is a tough Navy man from a broken home with a tumultuous relationship. They could be polar opposites, but I find a get of perspective from talking to either of them. Like in fiction, however, they serve as foils to a main character. In my story, that character is me. There are vivid, three dimensional characters included, but these are two dimensional. They only sharpen and color the image of the character, but they do not alter or create. My husband is a fellow character- a changing, loving, warring fellow with a great purpose and a shady past. We toil together against foes, but we do not know each other. I don't know if we ever got the chance. He became my lover so quickly that we may not have had time to become good friends. I am starting to wish I had someone to be broken and ugly with; a friend with no vested interest. Lovers should not be best friends nor best friends lovers, says some French lady on NPR. I didn't get a chance to hear the rest of the show, but I have thought long and hard on this notion. Friends are not vested so strongly in the outcome of your life. Maybe you decide you don't want to live in a house with a white picket fence and your friends think it's just fine for you to rid your life of clutter and live in a camper, traveling the states. Your friends rejoice with you that you are seeking freedom. They live vicariously through your adventures though they make shake their head at some of your decisions.
A lover may grow angry when you announce your desire to cut your hair. The littlest changes affect them directly in life. Both of you are tied down and trapped by it. Friends could give two shits, and they may be happy to see you try something crazy. Lovers are protective. How complex relationships can be!
A friend can listen to all your crazy ramblings about God and life and all the great heaps of doubt you carry in regard to all of it! A lover is so concerned with your well being or your faith that they choke it out of you.
Today I need a friend, but my lover will soon be home.