(no subject)
it's nearly four in the morning and my mind has decided to keep me awake. it seems that it has been myself who has betrayed me, after all. maybe that's how it always goes. certain characteristics, habitual actions that i cannot seem to drop are the reasons that i will never get what i want. maybe i can never be satisfied. if this is true i should start to accept it now. maybe that is just my way of excusing everything.
it's been a while since i've been happy-- truely happy. i could probably count the number of days if you asked me to. i don't seem sad? well over the years i've become quite apt at hiding it. i'm depressed; who isn't these days? no, i don't want to talk to you about it.
i think i need to learn how to stand up for myself and stop letting people walk all over me. do they offer that class here? if not, they should. it seems to be a pretty common problem.
what it all comes down to is the fact that i have no idea where my life is headed. my first year of college is nearly over and i feel like i'm not any different than when i started-- maybe a little bit more sad; that's something i should be proud of accomplishing. my grades were not outstanding and i feel that i didn't learn anything of value that i will need or use in the future. in less than a year i have to choose a major and i have no idea what it will be. no, i don't want your advice.
few things beat the feeling of being above average. even if it's at something as irrelevant as coloring in a color book well. it is something that belongs to you, something that no one can take away. when i was younger i did everything well. it seemed that my mental strength grew much faster than the other kids. unfortunately it plateaud somewhere in the past five years or so. everyone needs something to call their own. if my house burnt down, if someone robbed me of all of my material posessions, what would i be left with? a mediocre mind and a few friends that don't really know me.
i have nobody that i can cry in front of. there is nobody that i can go to, free of inhibition and just cry. even in solitude i feel that need to hide it from myself. it's natural, yes, but a weakness. god forbid i open myself up to another human being. i did once...
the fact is, dear reader, you do not want to know me. few people have learned so much that there is nearly no more to tell, and once they learn so much they become distant. nobody knows everything. i could probably go a whole year telling you a new secret, unbeknownst to the world, about myself. i will forever be a book, skimmed through and thrown back on the shelf in uninterest.
the sun will rise soon and i'm not yet asleep. the birds are awake and singing in the arrival of a new day; a day that will bring nothing exciting to my life. maybe this summer will change things. that is a big maybe and my hopes are set on less than nothing. there are very few things that i actually want... i think the only reason i want them is because they are impossible to have.
in my drunkenness of near sleep i will stammer out one meaningless 'i love you' to all of the people who once cared about my life but quickly moved onto the next best thing because i am not interesting. i am not unique, i am not anything that anyone should want.
and i don't want to hear that you'll always be there for me, because the gig is up. it's a fucking lie and you know it.
maybe it's just that i'd rather have him than you.
i wish that everyone is sleeping soundly in their beds, dreaming of the things that they love. wish me luck.
it's been a while since i've been happy-- truely happy. i could probably count the number of days if you asked me to. i don't seem sad? well over the years i've become quite apt at hiding it. i'm depressed; who isn't these days? no, i don't want to talk to you about it.
i think i need to learn how to stand up for myself and stop letting people walk all over me. do they offer that class here? if not, they should. it seems to be a pretty common problem.
what it all comes down to is the fact that i have no idea where my life is headed. my first year of college is nearly over and i feel like i'm not any different than when i started-- maybe a little bit more sad; that's something i should be proud of accomplishing. my grades were not outstanding and i feel that i didn't learn anything of value that i will need or use in the future. in less than a year i have to choose a major and i have no idea what it will be. no, i don't want your advice.
few things beat the feeling of being above average. even if it's at something as irrelevant as coloring in a color book well. it is something that belongs to you, something that no one can take away. when i was younger i did everything well. it seemed that my mental strength grew much faster than the other kids. unfortunately it plateaud somewhere in the past five years or so. everyone needs something to call their own. if my house burnt down, if someone robbed me of all of my material posessions, what would i be left with? a mediocre mind and a few friends that don't really know me.
i have nobody that i can cry in front of. there is nobody that i can go to, free of inhibition and just cry. even in solitude i feel that need to hide it from myself. it's natural, yes, but a weakness. god forbid i open myself up to another human being. i did once...
the fact is, dear reader, you do not want to know me. few people have learned so much that there is nearly no more to tell, and once they learn so much they become distant. nobody knows everything. i could probably go a whole year telling you a new secret, unbeknownst to the world, about myself. i will forever be a book, skimmed through and thrown back on the shelf in uninterest.
the sun will rise soon and i'm not yet asleep. the birds are awake and singing in the arrival of a new day; a day that will bring nothing exciting to my life. maybe this summer will change things. that is a big maybe and my hopes are set on less than nothing. there are very few things that i actually want... i think the only reason i want them is because they are impossible to have.
in my drunkenness of near sleep i will stammer out one meaningless 'i love you' to all of the people who once cared about my life but quickly moved onto the next best thing because i am not interesting. i am not unique, i am not anything that anyone should want.
and i don't want to hear that you'll always be there for me, because the gig is up. it's a fucking lie and you know it.
maybe it's just that i'd rather have him than you.
i wish that everyone is sleeping soundly in their beds, dreaming of the things that they love. wish me luck.