::deep breath:: OK, here we go . . .

[altahnthorunn]

I wouldn't post if I didn't want your honest critique, both what is done right and what I can improve upon.

I am interested in what you feel, how you respond, if you end a section with a sense of confusion or a desire to read more.

You help me make my writing stronger, more vital, and I appreciate the time you are giving me-- a lot.

OK, here we go

Comments

Part two,...

[chiere]

"Robbie’s startled eyes jumped to Vivian’s heartily laughter." I imagine Robbie's eyes physically jumping across the space to land on Vivian's laughter. Which isn't visable. Maybe something like, Robbie turned startled eyes towards Vivian when he heard her hearty laughter?

If everyone is hauling ass, it's going to be really hard to hear. Reeealy hard. So, use loud, forceful words. ex; "GwenAnna bit out" might be "GwenAnna barked out" (bit seems too quiet, but nicely sharp!)"Vivian added cheerfully" could be "Vivian bellowed cheerfully",

"She pulled closer to GwenAnna to speak as quietly as she could above the sounds of ground eating speed." Not possible, =-D There is no 'quietly speaking' when you are going hell bent for leather. And if they are just a little ahead of everyone, no-one will really hear them anyway. No need to be quiet. You also stand a chance of swallowing a bug. Or two. Also, you have this fabulous momentum going, and this sort of dampens it prematurly. And also, I use also too much, =-D

"Her heart overflowed. Her eyes brimmed wetly" implies joyful tears. But then, "GwenAnna’s frightened tears" turn to joy. It doesn't flow correctly.

"She added loudly enough to carry back to her guardsmen, “We take back what is ours!”" make 'added loudly' a more forcfully discriptive LOUD word, as no-one's really going to hear her, plus she's feeling pretty agressive about it,..

Here's some synonyms; acclaim, bark, bawl, bellow, blare, call, cheer, clamor, crow, cry, exclaim, fulminate, halloo, hoot, howl, hurrah, noise, rejoice, roar, root, scream, screech, shriek, vociferate, whoop, yell, yelp. She may be a Lady, but she's hauling ass on a firey red mare who is the mother of all her father's horses at the head of a column of warriors with her two most trusted officers riding to each side. She can bellow, roar, and acclaim with the best. You want to keep the energy really high all the way through. "She roared agressivly back to her guardsmen..."

This is an awesome story! Also, (again) the St Martin's spring had me cracking UP!! Way cool!