(no subject)
It was a good night at work.I built my ass off.although, I felt very nautious at times.I dont know why.Theres probably something wrong with me, but then again, thats the life i lead.
Carl's my boss, and hes been ballooning since i last saw him in december.lol.hes got a huge gut on him now, he looked at me funny when i padded his tummy and reinacted the adam sandler"hes gonna be a soccer player" bit.Im glad i did it before someone ran the fiber optic cable through with a fork,he was very very pissy after that. they were on a forklift, makes sence now dont it.hehe.by taking out that one cable, our laser was down so we had to build trusses old school style, i got made fun of cause of my incompotence, but i dont feel like that anymore while i work there, i just put my head down,like always, and stay on task because lets face it,their all just bored and need a weak victim. I call brandon, the guy i work with Butterball,he likes it,we get along well,better now that he knows not to get off task,cause ill just walk away if he isnt pulling his own weight.i wish i had a new nickname, not sally like jay calls me, not tanto like 3 other people call me at work.I want a real nickname....i dont want to be known as the perv anymore,moose was ok when i was little, but it holds no real meaning now.If anyone has any suggestions please run them by me :)
More on my wants and things i am in the progress of changing,im eating healthier, by that i mean i eat more,even if im not hungry i force myself, my tummy hurts, but i dont want to waste away.im not going to smoke dope throughout the week anymore and never alone anymore,its such a pointless habit to do alone. much like cigs,which im not currantly trying the "chew chew stop" method.it doesnt taste that bad, better than a cig,and if its gonna ween me off than that makes me happy.I want to make more friends, and not just aquaintences,i want to get to know people on a more down to earth level and remember things about them,and talk more to them about me and what I think..Im going to write more poetry,not like the crap i delivered yesterday,i want to write more than just about moi.I will write about the clouds i saw on the way home, and how they looked like hangs opening up,i wish i had a camera, it was amazing,i was thinking about god and jesus and if i was ready to accept him as my personal saviour,than i look up and there his hands were,guiding me yet still ready to carry me if he knows its too much for me to bare,but the whole religeon thing for me was always that i believe in a god that created everything,the bible was a myth to me...oh gosh darnit its all so confusing. .this is the most i have writtin in so long.I feel happy and a bit sappy,really glad with a touch of sad.Its almost like i feel human again, not that i was feeling like an animal...just not human, its wierd,i guess i just felt like a marionette and its like everyone who knows me knows what string to pull to get what they want.I need to learn how to say no, and express anger outwardly.I mean swinging a hammer at stuff for 12 hours is relief, but im just a very inwardly angry person,and my head feels like its going to explode cause i cant get words past my tounge,and then i abuse myself in more ways than anyone should,i beat myself up,mentally,emotionally and physically, althought the physical is very rare. Rob green once told me that i must have done something really really evil and bad when i was younger to be hurting myself the way i do,that was ages ago i'd like to think i go a bit easier on myself the past couple of years but i cant really gauge whether i have made progress or regressed.
The birds are singing,they make me happy.Im very impressed that i havent had any negitive things to say.I hope everyone is happy, and keeping their head up, cause i know if i can,you can too. :)
"Seize the day.......YEAH! Carpe diez nuts, god i cant wait to quit this job" -floyd -waiting....
Love always and forever.
your friend. Jesse.
Carl's my boss, and hes been ballooning since i last saw him in december.lol.hes got a huge gut on him now, he looked at me funny when i padded his tummy and reinacted the adam sandler"hes gonna be a soccer player" bit.Im glad i did it before someone ran the fiber optic cable through with a fork,he was very very pissy after that. they were on a forklift, makes sence now dont it.hehe.by taking out that one cable, our laser was down so we had to build trusses old school style, i got made fun of cause of my incompotence, but i dont feel like that anymore while i work there, i just put my head down,like always, and stay on task because lets face it,their all just bored and need a weak victim. I call brandon, the guy i work with Butterball,he likes it,we get along well,better now that he knows not to get off task,cause ill just walk away if he isnt pulling his own weight.i wish i had a new nickname, not sally like jay calls me, not tanto like 3 other people call me at work.I want a real nickname....i dont want to be known as the perv anymore,moose was ok when i was little, but it holds no real meaning now.If anyone has any suggestions please run them by me :)
More on my wants and things i am in the progress of changing,im eating healthier, by that i mean i eat more,even if im not hungry i force myself, my tummy hurts, but i dont want to waste away.im not going to smoke dope throughout the week anymore and never alone anymore,its such a pointless habit to do alone. much like cigs,which im not currantly trying the "chew chew stop" method.it doesnt taste that bad, better than a cig,and if its gonna ween me off than that makes me happy.I want to make more friends, and not just aquaintences,i want to get to know people on a more down to earth level and remember things about them,and talk more to them about me and what I think..Im going to write more poetry,not like the crap i delivered yesterday,i want to write more than just about moi.I will write about the clouds i saw on the way home, and how they looked like hangs opening up,i wish i had a camera, it was amazing,i was thinking about god and jesus and if i was ready to accept him as my personal saviour,than i look up and there his hands were,guiding me yet still ready to carry me if he knows its too much for me to bare,but the whole religeon thing for me was always that i believe in a god that created everything,the bible was a myth to me...oh gosh darnit its all so confusing. .this is the most i have writtin in so long.I feel happy and a bit sappy,really glad with a touch of sad.Its almost like i feel human again, not that i was feeling like an animal...just not human, its wierd,i guess i just felt like a marionette and its like everyone who knows me knows what string to pull to get what they want.I need to learn how to say no, and express anger outwardly.I mean swinging a hammer at stuff for 12 hours is relief, but im just a very inwardly angry person,and my head feels like its going to explode cause i cant get words past my tounge,and then i abuse myself in more ways than anyone should,i beat myself up,mentally,emotionally and physically, althought the physical is very rare. Rob green once told me that i must have done something really really evil and bad when i was younger to be hurting myself the way i do,that was ages ago i'd like to think i go a bit easier on myself the past couple of years but i cant really gauge whether i have made progress or regressed.
The birds are singing,they make me happy.Im very impressed that i havent had any negitive things to say.I hope everyone is happy, and keeping their head up, cause i know if i can,you can too. :)
"Seize the day.......YEAH! Carpe diez nuts, god i cant wait to quit this job" -floyd -waiting....
Love always and forever.
your friend. Jesse.