you're so vain...you prolly think this song is about you.....
So why is it...whenever everything starts going according to plan that someone throws this big huge rock at you and everything becomes off-balance....AGAIN!!!
I was having a great day yesterday....went shopping for my Jeep...found one...might have it by next week...(it didn't have air so when they get it in from the other dealership and i go check it out - they are going to put air in it - to make a long story short)....and it's red too!!! 5 spd...so amy is going to have to learn that really quickly...but it shouldn't be all the bad....i've driven 5 spd before....
Moving along...I am suppose to be going to West Virginia tomorrow after work...still am...but I think after the conversation I had with "the boy"....he's a little hesitant about "us"...if that is what you want to call it...i still keep telling him that I'm not ready for anything...because i really am not...but at the same time...what is life without risks!? it's all confusing at times....
And the reason why things are so crazy is because I talked to Thomas last night....he calls me out of nowhere and tells me that he is thinking about me and that he misses me...he also pointed out that it has been a year since i left...and yeah...it has been a year...and A LOT has happened in this past year...some good...some bad...but that is life for you....nothing ever goes exactly how you want it to....
Anyways...he goes on about how I was the best thing for him and that he screwed it up....and that he wants to be with me...and marry me....and to have kids together...he said he wanted to have a "normal" life...whatever that was suppose to mean....and the thing is...i do love him....but it just wasn't meant to be....
So last night...my emotions went into a million different directions...because on one hand...there is Thomas....on the other...there is "the boy"....and in the middle is everything else that i have been through that a got me to where i am today....broken and bruised....
I keep telling "the boy" that fairytales don't exist....because they don't....and i know he wants so bad to make realize that they do...but I am so afraid of hurting him...that i don't think i can completely give myself to him...there is always going to be a part of me that remains dead to a lot of things....which i know sounds weird...but it all makes sense in my head....
I talked to my roommate last night...it was a good talk...and I basically told her that I want to be the person that I use to be...happy...and granted....i have happy moments....i don't mean it like that...but i don't want to be that old bitter lady who complains about EVERYTHING with the 80 cats....
I also told her (and i know this is so trivial)...that when i look around our house...the all i see are pictures of her and my other roommate...and i kind of feel like i don't belong here....granted...in college i hung out with a different crowd...but i feel like the two of them have a more special bond and i'm just here to lower the bills....i know that sounds bad...but it is just the way that i feel....silly...i know.....
I don't know anymore....because at the end of the day...it is me who has to look in the mirror and ask if she likes what she sees...and granted....i am trying to work on the things that need to be done...and I hope that my roommates can see that i am trying to make a conscience effort to do things around the house (and i need to finish painting tonight - crap!! i forgot - sorry sarah if you are reading this)....
So in the end...I hope that this weekend with "the boy"....i can figure out some more things and it will all start going in a good direction and stay that way....but we'll see....
As for now...I can only take one day at a time and fix things one thing at a time....but i'll do it...i'm determined....
I was having a great day yesterday....went shopping for my Jeep...found one...might have it by next week...(it didn't have air so when they get it in from the other dealership and i go check it out - they are going to put air in it - to make a long story short)....and it's red too!!! 5 spd...so amy is going to have to learn that really quickly...but it shouldn't be all the bad....i've driven 5 spd before....
Moving along...I am suppose to be going to West Virginia tomorrow after work...still am...but I think after the conversation I had with "the boy"....he's a little hesitant about "us"...if that is what you want to call it...i still keep telling him that I'm not ready for anything...because i really am not...but at the same time...what is life without risks!? it's all confusing at times....
And the reason why things are so crazy is because I talked to Thomas last night....he calls me out of nowhere and tells me that he is thinking about me and that he misses me...he also pointed out that it has been a year since i left...and yeah...it has been a year...and A LOT has happened in this past year...some good...some bad...but that is life for you....nothing ever goes exactly how you want it to....
Anyways...he goes on about how I was the best thing for him and that he screwed it up....and that he wants to be with me...and marry me....and to have kids together...he said he wanted to have a "normal" life...whatever that was suppose to mean....and the thing is...i do love him....but it just wasn't meant to be....
So last night...my emotions went into a million different directions...because on one hand...there is Thomas....on the other...there is "the boy"....and in the middle is everything else that i have been through that a got me to where i am today....broken and bruised....
I keep telling "the boy" that fairytales don't exist....because they don't....and i know he wants so bad to make realize that they do...but I am so afraid of hurting him...that i don't think i can completely give myself to him...there is always going to be a part of me that remains dead to a lot of things....which i know sounds weird...but it all makes sense in my head....
I talked to my roommate last night...it was a good talk...and I basically told her that I want to be the person that I use to be...happy...and granted....i have happy moments....i don't mean it like that...but i don't want to be that old bitter lady who complains about EVERYTHING with the 80 cats....
I also told her (and i know this is so trivial)...that when i look around our house...the all i see are pictures of her and my other roommate...and i kind of feel like i don't belong here....granted...in college i hung out with a different crowd...but i feel like the two of them have a more special bond and i'm just here to lower the bills....i know that sounds bad...but it is just the way that i feel....silly...i know.....
I don't know anymore....because at the end of the day...it is me who has to look in the mirror and ask if she likes what she sees...and granted....i am trying to work on the things that need to be done...and I hope that my roommates can see that i am trying to make a conscience effort to do things around the house (and i need to finish painting tonight - crap!! i forgot - sorry sarah if you are reading this)....
So in the end...I hope that this weekend with "the boy"....i can figure out some more things and it will all start going in a good direction and stay that way....but we'll see....
As for now...I can only take one day at a time and fix things one thing at a time....but i'll do it...i'm determined....