wow.
i've updated this a couple of times over the past week, and every time i get to the end, i decide that what i am saying is too personal, so i set it as private. which is ridiculous because it's my livejournal, not my super-personal diary. which brings me to my question: what the hell is a livejournal/blog for?
i mean, when it comes down to it, it's to rub in people's faces how good you're doing, or to make people feel bad for how awful you're doing. or maybe just to vent. but even then, to vent, you could go to a friend. and i guess if it's 4am you can't really do that. so you do this. at least, that's why i've been doing it. but it's always been real real... personal. not good or bad, just personal. i've been going through a lot of different emotions, and none of them have lasted more than one day, which is why i've been so weird about certain stuff lately.
i am going to have to make a decision soon. i know that. and i know what is going to happen if i don't. and i know what i want to do, and i know what is the "right" thing to do. or perhaps this is the kind of situation in which there is no right and wrong, because different people would feel very strongly either way towards the "right" or the "wrong." i do not know.
all i know is that i'm being as vague as possible and it's still getting very personal. i swear to an unspecified higher being that i'm the queen of vague. too obvious? reaching? whatever. it's true. anyway it's december NINTH right now and i'm not going to say anything about that.
if i say that i've been doing wonderful, i'd be lying. but if i say that december has been awful, i'd be lying as well. i go through so many different emotions within the period of an HOUR that i can't just pinpoint any single one to designate and announce as "how i'm doing." if i took the average of all of the emotions then i guess it would be equal. i don't even know. i do know that i have supressed the urge to act on any of my negative emotions. if i keep doing this for twenty-two more days, i will have won december v. heather, XIX.
snow's a bitch, but so am i. i don't know what the fuck i'm trying to prove here, but the absense of, well, what the fuck, while i'm on the subject i might as well say it, the absense of CUTTING has triggered... well, nothing. and it sort of bothers me. i haven't cried for a week. it's silly, i guess, but cutting at least provokes a response out of me that simply existing in a sad state does not. not that i cry whilst cutting, but the mere act of crying OCCURS before i cut, and now that i don't have the cutting to look forward to, i just think that if i START to cry, i'll have nothing GOOD enough or REAL enough or TANGIBLE, at least, to solve my pain.
the winter makes me feel almost robotic in the sense that i just go through motions and well, fuck. i don't know anymore.
i mean, when it comes down to it, it's to rub in people's faces how good you're doing, or to make people feel bad for how awful you're doing. or maybe just to vent. but even then, to vent, you could go to a friend. and i guess if it's 4am you can't really do that. so you do this. at least, that's why i've been doing it. but it's always been real real... personal. not good or bad, just personal. i've been going through a lot of different emotions, and none of them have lasted more than one day, which is why i've been so weird about certain stuff lately.
i am going to have to make a decision soon. i know that. and i know what is going to happen if i don't. and i know what i want to do, and i know what is the "right" thing to do. or perhaps this is the kind of situation in which there is no right and wrong, because different people would feel very strongly either way towards the "right" or the "wrong." i do not know.
all i know is that i'm being as vague as possible and it's still getting very personal. i swear to an unspecified higher being that i'm the queen of vague. too obvious? reaching? whatever. it's true. anyway it's december NINTH right now and i'm not going to say anything about that.
if i say that i've been doing wonderful, i'd be lying. but if i say that december has been awful, i'd be lying as well. i go through so many different emotions within the period of an HOUR that i can't just pinpoint any single one to designate and announce as "how i'm doing." if i took the average of all of the emotions then i guess it would be equal. i don't even know. i do know that i have supressed the urge to act on any of my negative emotions. if i keep doing this for twenty-two more days, i will have won december v. heather, XIX.
snow's a bitch, but so am i. i don't know what the fuck i'm trying to prove here, but the absense of, well, what the fuck, while i'm on the subject i might as well say it, the absense of CUTTING has triggered... well, nothing. and it sort of bothers me. i haven't cried for a week. it's silly, i guess, but cutting at least provokes a response out of me that simply existing in a sad state does not. not that i cry whilst cutting, but the mere act of crying OCCURS before i cut, and now that i don't have the cutting to look forward to, i just think that if i START to cry, i'll have nothing GOOD enough or REAL enough or TANGIBLE, at least, to solve my pain.
the winter makes me feel almost robotic in the sense that i just go through motions and well, fuck. i don't know anymore.