at least we're still friends, at least we're still alive...
it's been eight months since kris and i broke up. i remember him coming over my house, and i was really excited because we had been fighting a lot, and i thought he'd get me something nice and try to make up with me. but he came over with nothing, which i thought was a joke or something. and i was just like "what! i dont get a present?" and him saying that i didn't deserve a present because i was a bitch. and that just being the last straw. and we stood outside of my house and i cried and told him that i couldn't take it any more. and how i knew i was lying because i could take it. because i always do if i really care about someone, but i just wanted him to change. i remember calling tanya and going to her house, and she had a cake for me and flowers. and i was still crying but it made me happy, and we went to denny's with pete and jamie and things were okay.
that's when me and jeff really started hanging out. i never wanted to like him. anyone who knows the situation knows this to be true. and maybe that's part of the reason that i ended up liking him as much as i did. kris HATE HATE HATED it when i hung out with guys, and the only guys that i ever hung out with during that whole period were kris and his friends. and jeff was just so much different than that.
it's been six months since i told jeff that i liked him. i remember driving home from ocean city after dropping tanya off, and after a lot of consideration, clued him in that i had 'fallen into his silken web.' i remember him just kind of laughing, but not saying anything real. we kept hanging out every day after that, going to the beach, going out, watching movies, and just having an amazing time every time. i remember just, being about to relate to him on every level. about a week later, i asked him why he hasn't rejected me yet, and he just said that there were "many things to calculate and consider." but that he wasn't giving a resounding no. it just... seemed almost eerie to have someone to be so compatible with me. i thought that it was just something that was present in the air, an undeniable force, if you will. a few weeks later when we were driving home from the beach, he was just like "we should date." and my stomach seriously had an epileptic seizure. i honestly could not comprehend what was happening. i actually think i pinched myself. i didn't even know what to say. i remember him giving me reasons why we should date, and he was like "well, i like pie, and you like pie..."
that nite i went to his house, and we watched a movie, and i really can't remember the name of it or what it was about or anything because i just remember him. i remember being next to him and feeling so comfortably nervous. to think that i had this great, great friendship, and just an endless possibility of more. and i felt really confident in that, because i felt that he truly appreciated me for all of the qualities i had that normal guys overlooked. i remember sitting next to him and being very aware of every movement, every breath, every word. i remember our first kiss. and how we criticized it right after it happened. and i felt like nothing or noone in the world could even touch me. and it literally hurts for me to think about that right now, because i am just realizing, as i look back, that he was most likely partially devestated by our first kiss, because it was his first kiss since her.
we dated, we got seemingly close, but we both held back in our own ways. i always knew, and still do, that nothing can replace her to him. nothing could even come close. no matter how cute or funny or smart i was or am, i will never be her. and that is all it is really about. she was just there at a pivotal point in his life and i was not. i guess i should respect that, but it irks me. no matter how close he and i ever got, no matter how much i ever did for him, or how much we went through, i could never be her. even if we got married and spent five hundred years together, if she came back, he'd drop me in a second. and that's what pissed me the hell off. i mean, it made me sad more than anything, but anger is just displaced sadness, right?
i guess i got to the point where i wanted to be a bitch and call him out on things. i guess i was tired of hearing him go on and on about her and how amazing she was and how devastating the situation was. i know i sound like a bitch, but i really DO sympathize. i always gave him plenty of room, time to sort things out, i never tried to pressure him into being in love with me or anything. but however little of a demand i made, it was never met. and the fucking PUBLIC blog he wrote about it just made me want to vomit.
honestly, her HAVING a myspace is what literally pushed it over the edge. i mean, i got downright pissed about it because of several JUSTIFIED factors that i will not mention because it's just too personal, and he wrote a public blog saying how "an old friend of his, who he never had romantic interest in" was back in town and i was "worried about it." ...AND THE AWARD FOR THE MOST IN DENIAL PERSON EVER GOES TO...
we broke up. TWO MONTHS AGO. we dated for barely three. and i still feel this way. and you know, as much as i can sit here and criticize him for being obsessive and unrelentless, look at me. i'm pining away just the same. but i'm just thinking that it is my responsibility to not give up, because others have given up on him and i want to make him know that i REALLY do care. but i mean, maybe he feels that way about her. so... what good is that?
that's when me and jeff really started hanging out. i never wanted to like him. anyone who knows the situation knows this to be true. and maybe that's part of the reason that i ended up liking him as much as i did. kris HATE HATE HATED it when i hung out with guys, and the only guys that i ever hung out with during that whole period were kris and his friends. and jeff was just so much different than that.
it's been six months since i told jeff that i liked him. i remember driving home from ocean city after dropping tanya off, and after a lot of consideration, clued him in that i had 'fallen into his silken web.' i remember him just kind of laughing, but not saying anything real. we kept hanging out every day after that, going to the beach, going out, watching movies, and just having an amazing time every time. i remember just, being about to relate to him on every level. about a week later, i asked him why he hasn't rejected me yet, and he just said that there were "many things to calculate and consider." but that he wasn't giving a resounding no. it just... seemed almost eerie to have someone to be so compatible with me. i thought that it was just something that was present in the air, an undeniable force, if you will. a few weeks later when we were driving home from the beach, he was just like "we should date." and my stomach seriously had an epileptic seizure. i honestly could not comprehend what was happening. i actually think i pinched myself. i didn't even know what to say. i remember him giving me reasons why we should date, and he was like "well, i like pie, and you like pie..."
that nite i went to his house, and we watched a movie, and i really can't remember the name of it or what it was about or anything because i just remember him. i remember being next to him and feeling so comfortably nervous. to think that i had this great, great friendship, and just an endless possibility of more. and i felt really confident in that, because i felt that he truly appreciated me for all of the qualities i had that normal guys overlooked. i remember sitting next to him and being very aware of every movement, every breath, every word. i remember our first kiss. and how we criticized it right after it happened. and i felt like nothing or noone in the world could even touch me. and it literally hurts for me to think about that right now, because i am just realizing, as i look back, that he was most likely partially devestated by our first kiss, because it was his first kiss since her.
we dated, we got seemingly close, but we both held back in our own ways. i always knew, and still do, that nothing can replace her to him. nothing could even come close. no matter how cute or funny or smart i was or am, i will never be her. and that is all it is really about. she was just there at a pivotal point in his life and i was not. i guess i should respect that, but it irks me. no matter how close he and i ever got, no matter how much i ever did for him, or how much we went through, i could never be her. even if we got married and spent five hundred years together, if she came back, he'd drop me in a second. and that's what pissed me the hell off. i mean, it made me sad more than anything, but anger is just displaced sadness, right?
i guess i got to the point where i wanted to be a bitch and call him out on things. i guess i was tired of hearing him go on and on about her and how amazing she was and how devastating the situation was. i know i sound like a bitch, but i really DO sympathize. i always gave him plenty of room, time to sort things out, i never tried to pressure him into being in love with me or anything. but however little of a demand i made, it was never met. and the fucking PUBLIC blog he wrote about it just made me want to vomit.
honestly, her HAVING a myspace is what literally pushed it over the edge. i mean, i got downright pissed about it because of several JUSTIFIED factors that i will not mention because it's just too personal, and he wrote a public blog saying how "an old friend of his, who he never had romantic interest in" was back in town and i was "worried about it." ...AND THE AWARD FOR THE MOST IN DENIAL PERSON EVER GOES TO...
we broke up. TWO MONTHS AGO. we dated for barely three. and i still feel this way. and you know, as much as i can sit here and criticize him for being obsessive and unrelentless, look at me. i'm pining away just the same. but i'm just thinking that it is my responsibility to not give up, because others have given up on him and i want to make him know that i REALLY do care. but i mean, maybe he feels that way about her. so... what good is that?