420 Wayland, and Kyle
I am all moved in to my new apartment. My 2nd on the east side. Life is positively rushing by. But this new place is pretty incredible. Living with Mark, Kristine, and Dave Tuetken. Hopefully, we will all get along. Time will tell.
Its nice to start fresh in this place. To be able to work from an empty page. Even though I had the opportunity in the last apartment, I never really seized it, initially because I was waiting on my old roomate, Jason, to actually share the space with me, and by the time I realized he was never going to do so, I had settled into the disorder. The old apartment, though I loved it for many reasons, always had this sense of disjointedness. An unfinished feeling. Really, it became a constant symbol of the state of my mind and life last year.
I hope that the manner in which the new place is coming together will be representative of the year to come. There's a sense of order here. A natural cohesion and logic.
And then....there is Kyle.
I have been afraid to talk to write about him, despite the fact that we have been dating for close to 2 months, now. I've been hesitant to make him permanent in ink/print, because there is a part of me that, after all the bullshit I've dealt with over the last year, is terrified that he-like the rest of them- will only be temporary.
But, I will take that chance now, because I am in love. And its different. It's mature. Its a love for the small kindnesses that he bestows upon me. For the way he makes me laugh and smile and the way he makes me feel safe. Its not just lust. Its not just a starry-eyed crush. Its not just an infatuation. But all of those things are present too. And, I think that's what makes this one different.
In terms of being as far removed from "my type" as it gets, Kyle is actually much more like Dave than any other guy I have dated. But there is one major difference. From the very beginning with Dave, I always felt as though I had to talk myself into him. I had to convince myself that I loved him, because it was logical. Because, on paper, he was the perfect guy . But, deep down, I never really believed it. Which is not to say that I didn't grow to love Dave eventually, or that everything we had was a lie. But, it was never right. And, I knew that all along.
But, with Kyle, its natural. There are major differences between us. Differences that traditionally have been deal-breakers for me. But, for the first time, I dont care what kind of music he listens to (and it is intolerably bad). I don't care that he hates art-films, or that he doesn't "get" them. I don't care that he doesn't eat sushi, or tofu, or anything spicier than black pepper. I don't care that he plays video games and watches sports and action movies with his gaggle of guy friends.
I just love him.
He makes me genuinely laugh every single day. He gets my humor, and he dishes it right back. He selflessly volunteers his time and energy to anything I need--whether I ask him to or not. He talks to his dog like it is a child, even when he doesn't know anyone else is listening. He is affectionate in front of his friends and mine. He talks about a future--and it doesn't terrify me.
Am I scared that he will break my heart? Yes. But he is scared too. He was in a 5 year relationship that ended badly, and left him gun-shy and jaded. But, that was 2 years ago, and he has dated since. He knows what is out there. He knows what he wants, and what he doesn't want. And, I feel pretty confident that what he wants is me.
Yesterday, he did quite possibly the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me--and he wasn't even trying.
He saw me writing in my journal. It was a brand new one that I had just started that day. He teased me about wanting to read it, and made a joke about how he would steal it someday. And, I firmly laid down the law that I would be outraged if he ever were to really do so. I told him that if he wanted to read my writing, he would have to ask--and if I said "no," then it was off limits. So, of course, because he is a gigantic goofball, he says: "Okay. So, can I read it?"
So, because it was the first entry, and it was mostly about him anyway, I let him read it, but I couldnt watch. I laid in bed, curled in a ball, with my back to him, cold-sweating. I could only hear him occasionally chuckle, and occasionally "Aww" as he read it.
At the end, he was touched. He came up behind me, cuddled up close, and whispered: "Do you want to hear my journal entry? I mean....I don't have a journal, but if I did..."
And then, in his adorable Kyle-like way, he reached his arm over me, and began to pantomime writing on the bed sheet, while he dictated what his journal would say. After he "read" it to me, I immediately wrote it down in my own journal--because I never want to forget it. Here is the gist:
Amanda literally walked into my life out of the blue--I mean that, I'm not being symbolic. I don't know how to be symbolic. I met her on the sidewalk when I was out walking with my friends, and she was walking alone with her ipod. And from the moment I first saw her, she has completely blown me away. And although we have only been dating a short time, it feels far longer. Maybe it is our mutual friends, or maybe we are truly in love. I hope it is the latter.
Yes, she is a hippie. Yes, she likes weird things like tempeh--which is not the same as Tempeh, Arizona--yeah, I thought they were the same thing at first too. Apparently, you can eat the first one. Gross.
Yes, she likes her hippie skirts and big earrings--but that is what I love the most about her. Amanda is who she is, and she will not change for anyone. The world will accept Amanda for who she is, whether they like it or not.
And, I think that she likes me for all the same reasons. She does not like me for what I look like, or who I hang out with. She does not like me for my job, or for the things that I will buy her. She loves me for who I am, and even though I am sure there are things about me that annoy her, she does not want to change me, or turn me into someone else--and that is a pretty rare find in a girl.
I did not think that I would ever feel this way about another girl ever again. But, now that I do, I plan to hang onto her, because I think I may be on to something special...
And then, he stopped, and kissed the back of my head, and that would have been the end of it. Not realizing how moved I was, he could not understand why I was crying. And, when I told him that it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me, he was baffled--because he wasn't trying to impress me. He wasn't trying to be smooth. He just is what he is. And, I feel pretty goddamn lucky that he loves me as much as I love him.