126b.

[almostkiwi]

<<
Luna screams in her face for a straight minute when she comes home on cloud nine, lips still tingling from the kiss. This time, Jonghyun had been kissing her, Amber Liu, not some fake identity that had been created on a whim, and that makes all the difference.

Later that night, when Victoria says they've practised enough and Donghae has splashed them both with water before running away to wherever-he-needs-to-be-at-2AM, Amber sits down with her on the floor of the living room, the furniture pushed out of the way.

"I'm really scared, unnie," Amber confesses, and Victoria's face instantly softens. She reaches forward to cradle Amber in a hug, but holds herself back and she watches Amber's arms wrap around herself.

Victoria thinks of herself as a mother to these girls; to Krystal; Luna; Sulli and especially Amber, who's in a foreign country like her. But Amber's different. Like Henry had drawled to her face, she 'aint like 'em other gurls.' It's part of why she makes such a great idol, why she's able to pull off this stint and still stay alive month after month of this tireless but definitely not thankless job. She doesn't need codling or a shoulder to cry on, but just a friendly ear and advice.

"What're you scared of?" Victoria draws her own legs up and hugs them, watching Amber's face carefully.

"Like, of what I'm doing. Of where my life's headed and like, of now." Amber reaches out for a pillow, hugging it to herself. "Everyone says that your high school and university days are the best, so does that mean it can't get better? Unnie, I'm so scared."

At this, Amber's eyes dart up to Victoria's, wide with fear, and she can't resist -- Victoria reaches across and hugs Amber tight. Instantly, Amber's body melts and she tries to hide a sob, Victoria's right hand rubbing slow, even circles.

"Shhh, oh Amber, it's okay. What made you suddenly think of that?"

Their bodies are wrecked from hours of dancing, drops of sweat and splashes of water on the floor drying by the minute. Victoria's struggling to simply stay upright, and she can't begin to imagine what Amber's feeling. She was crazy to even suggest this Alex scheme, to shove a perfectly normal teenager into the vicious Korean Idol industry and ask her to give up her social life but maintain her academic one. Stupid and heartless.

"Jonghyun," Amber says softly. "He asked me out today and it just felt so normal, like I'm just a normal girl going to class, freaking out about studying and tests and having a-- a boyfriend. Maybe I'm not cut out for this idol work. I mean, I can't sing as great as Luna or dance as well as you and I don't have the charisma," her lips curl unpleasantly at the words and the unintentional American accent she places on them, "that I know Sulli and Krystal would have if they were onstage. Like, fuck Vic, they're so pretty, so much prettier than I am, they could be bigger than me. I just feel like I'm the useless one here in this group of five, you know? Can't sing, can't dance, can't rap. Not even a pretty face, so why am I the one on stage? Why isn't it one of you?"

"Amber," Victoria murmurs into her hair. "You're beautiful and you are so talented but more than that, you are so strong to have said yes to my stupid idea and to have continued. It's been over a year since you started as Alex and I know I would've given up after a week. I admire you for that, for being so strong and determined. But," and she hesitates here, "if you want to stop it, I can understand that and I can talk to the rest of the girls, if you want. We can get Sulli and Krystal to deal with it. Is that what you want?"

"No, yes, no, I don't know." Amber gently, but firmly, pushes away from Victoria's hug, wiping her tears. She tries for a brave smile before she gets up. "Thanks for listening, unnie."

The next few weeks roll by in a frenzy of promotions and studying, and Amber doesn't even have time to think, let alone sleep. She's so sleep deprived that she almost recites her music theory notes instead of rapping on stage, and calls Jonghyun a hamster in class.

"Are you okay?" he asks, worried, as they pack up after class.

"Fine, fine," she mutters, waving a hand and smacking him in the face. "Just tired, you know how it is."

He raises a careful, dyed eyebrow at her, and she yawns.

"Are you getting any sleep?"

She waves her hand again, and this time hits his shoulder. "Um, what'd you call any? Any as in half an hour? Then yeah. Pleeeeenty of sleep." Amber resists the urge to put her head on the table as the rest of the lecture quickly shuffles out of the hall.

"Come on," Jonghyun says, and hauls her up. "No sleeping here, not allowed. Have you got plans after this?" Amber's mind is a blur of random music theory and philosophy facts, piled on top of lyrics and random lines Sulli's taught her to say during variety shows. She gurgles and Jonghyun shakes his head. "Okay, canceling any future plans, let's get you some sleep."

"Don't you have plans?" she murmurs into his shoulder as he takes both their bags into his other hand.

"Cancelled," he says promptly, and successfully drags her out of the hall.

They spend the time on the quad where Jonghyun confessed, and Amber has to admit it's a pretty good place for a nap, though she'd be happy sleeping on top of a car right now. Her head is in Jonghyun's lap, the sun shining on them, and he's stroking her hair softly. They look like any other couple procrastinating on studying, and that, somehow, makes her happy.

Right after the lecture, Amber knows she's meant to go to their makeshift dance studio (so, their living room) and learn choreography Victoria's put together with Shindong, before cramming in some food and settling down with Luna to decide which songs they should put on her next single. After that, she's allowed two hours for studying before she's whisked away for measurements for stage costumes.

So when Amber wakes up three hours later with Jonghyun quietly reading his notes and singing along to his iPod, she knows she's in deep shit. Her phone has twenty-seven missed calls and over fifty text messages, ranging from the simple, 'Where are you?' and 'You know you had schedule, right?' to 'I WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T PICK UP IN THE NEXT TWENTY SECONDS' and 'Good luck making it through the front door before Vic kills you'.

Amber wonders if she's cut out for this as she looks up at Jonghyun's face and he smiles back down at her.

"Good sleep?" he asks, pausing his music, and she nods.

"Great, thanks," she says and calls the apartment number.

"Hel-"

"I will murder you," Victoria says viciously, and Amber winces.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I fell asleep, I couldn't help it--"

"I will also murder you," Sulli says into the phone, and Amber actually shivers.

"I'll make it up to you guys, I promise, I'm coming now, okay?"

"No time for that," Sulli says promptly, switching over to her professional voice. "Your fitting got moved up, and it's in twenty minutes in that boutique we went last time. Do you remember it, can you get there in time?"

Amber bites her lip. "The one on that really quiet street? I can probably catch a taxi and meet you there, not sure how long it'll take."

"Where are you?"

"On campus, still."

"Okay, the apartment's on the way, so just get back to the apartment and we can sort this out. Hurry."

Sulli hangs up with a click, and Amber slowly puts her phone back in her bag.

"Sorry," she says to Jonghyun, and stands up unsteadily. Looks like three hours weren't enough. "I gotta go now, I had some stuff I forgot about and my friends are pretty pissed at me."

"Hey, hey," Jonghyun says as he stands, and she sways a bit. He puts his hands on her shoulders. "You okay? Sure you can make it there alright?"

Amber nods and hauls her bag onto her back, patting her pocket to make sure her wallet's there.

"I'll be fine, sorry for worrying you." Amber lets out a small sigh as her brain catches up, mentally listing which bus will take her home fastest.

Jonghyun frowns but leans down to peck her on her lips, and her lips unconsciously curve into a smile.

"Call me when you get home, okay? Make sure you get enough sleep."

"Yes, Father," she says obediently, and he grins.

"Good girl. I don't want your friends to kill you so I'll see you later." He ruffles her hair, and she lethargically reaches up to do the same.

"Byeeeeeeee."

Amber doesn't get a chance to think about what she'd confessed to Victoria until her exams are over, two weeks after that wonderful nap in the quad.

The apartment's in a mess, Luna, Sulli, Krystal and her notes everywhere, several of Amber's stage costumes flung over sofas and empty food packets and bottles strewn around the apartment. The only clear space is in the living room where everything's been pushed aside for their dance corner.

Exams are finished, promotions over for Amber's most recent song, and no one really cares for her next single when they could be doing more important things, like sleeping.

Everyone's snoring in their respective rooms except Victoria, who's busying herself cooking. As she measures out the bones she'll need for the stock, she goes over the last few months in her mind.

So much has changed, when she looks at Amber. The initial transformation into Alex over a year ago had been something, but the last few months with Jonghyun really were something else, and Victoria suddenly remembers the conversation, when Amber had confessed her fears.

Victoria sets some rice to cook, and she wonders. Yes, she had been selfish, asking Amber to do this, just wanting to see if her plan was possible, and it was. And she'd never thought to tell Amber to stop -- but Amber had never asked.

Victoria starts chopping some vegetables, and she wonders. Is it possible, instead, to gather the five of them and create a girl group? Amber had already pointed out they had all the basic elements -- singer, dancer, rapper and charisma. And having Amber as Alex would certainly help.

But what would that make them different to everyone else? Victoria slowly ponders this as she defrosts beef in the microwave. Alex would be a plus, but what else? Would they need anything else?

"Unnie," Amber says from the doorway, and Victoria snaps out of her thoughts.

"Yeah?" Amber covers a yawn and takes her keys from the dish.

"Going to duck out to see Jonghyun, he just texted me like a billion crying faces." Amber flashes her phone, and Victora has to agree that that sight is a bit worrying. "Probably nothing, but I'll go anyway. See you later." Amber shuffles off, grabbing her wallet, muttering to herself, "God, what a baby, if I had known before..."

Victoria wonders, but she can't do anything just yet, and turns on the stove.

Honestly, Amber doesn't like secrecy or lies, which doesn't make much sense considering her part as Alex. She tries to justify it; that Alex is just a part of her anyway; that it's just a small part that's often overlooked and no one really asks about -- but that's a lie, too.

Sometimes she looks at Jonghyun and wonders how he can so easily reconcile Jonghyun-the-musical-theory-student with Jonghyun-the-lead-singer-of-SHINee. But Jonghyun's so honest and has such a transparent personality that it just works. The things he does and says onstage, Amber can easily imagine him doing at home, or in class. Sure, some lines and actions are heavily rehearsed with hours of practice and perfecting, but he doesn't lose the core of Jonghyun, when he's up there.

How does he do it? How can he do it so easily without any problems? Without any repercussions?

"Well," Jonghyun says, "Part of being an idol is that you have to sell yourself, right?" Amber nods. "And part of the Jonghyun package is honesty, right? Like, I've tried being different and tried to make myself more sellable, and blah blah blah, but it just wasn't me. Fans like an idol, like, fall for an idol, and the idol owes them something for choosing them, for falling for them. And I think part of it is honesty."

Amber slowly twists the stem of the dandelion until it breaks and her fingers feel sticky.

So Alex-the-idol owes honesty to the fans -- but part of the Alex package is the mystery. How would Alex go about creating honesty?

Not only that, but Amber also owes Jonghyun honesty as his girlfriend. She should tell Jonghyun that she's Alex, but how? She can't just sprout it on him so suddenly -- but she can't keep it from him either. She doesn't want to. Amber wants to be the best person she can be for Jonghyun, honesty included.

"Hey, you okay?" Jonghyun waves a hand in front of her face, and she blinks before relaxing into a smile. She'll tell him, but not now.

"Yeah, fine," she says, and closes her eyes as he kisses her.

Okay, not so fine now.

They're preparing for Alex's next single with five tracks, which means Amber has to endure Luna's lecturing five times.

"Amber, focus! Do you want to get this single out in time? Do you want to disappoint your fans? How hard is it to sing this, Amber? Come on, Amber, you've done this a thousand times before in a thousand different songs, so you can do it again for this song, just focus and you can do it. One more time, from the top."

Amber knows she's a decent singer, but she definitely doesn't have Luna's strength and power, or the absolute control she has with hitting notes spot-on. Singing's good, fun, but sometimes -- most times -- she wishes she could just let Luna do it all and she can just chill onstage.

Once that's over, Victoria steals her away and starts teaching her choreography. Victoria's something else when she dances, all fluid and grace, which is kind of funny because she has to choreograph more hard hitting stuff that doesn't lend well to her style.

Amber eventually picks it up, but it doesn't look the same or hold the same beauty or femininity, which could be good. She's actually feeling pretty good about herself until Victoria tells her that's only a verse and the bridge -- still got two thirds of the song to go.

Sulli then kidnaps her to feed her some bullshit about the new single, how fun and invigorating it is for summer, and how the title track is darker and more about summer nights and the chill of the unexpectantly cold wind and the stirring of old summer spirits, and Amber swallows it all obediently.

Amber only gets to talk to Krystal after all this when Sulli, Victoria and Luna are all asleep, and Amber's ready to join them. Krystal, however, is entertaining her insomniac and cleaning up their shared room, organising her textbooks and notes and throwing out old stationery. When she sees Amber hesitate at the doorway, though, she pats the empty bed, and Amber sits.

"I know that face," Krystal says. "What's up, what's wrong?"

She glances up to lock eyes with Amber, but Amber doesn't say anything and drops her gaze to the pile of paper Krystal's sorting. Krystal gets the message as she goes back to categorising her notes, and they sit quietly, the only sounds the rustling of paper and the radio in the background.

"Do you sometimes wonder how we got here?" Amber asks quietly. "In this situation, working together to promote someone who doesn't exist?"

"Alex exists," Krystal says immediately, head remaining bowed. "Maybe not as a real person, like as someone who lives and breathes and attends school and has a birth certificate that says 'Alex' on it, but Alex exists in the hearts and minds of fangirls and fanboys. Doesn't matter if Alex physically exists, as long as people believe he does. If they do, then Alex exists.

"As for how we got here..."

Krystal looks up as she drums her fingers on a stack of English literature notes. She slowly smiles as she starts organising the pile, and Amber's struck by how pretty her best friend is.

"You can call it fate or destiny that brought us here, to create Alex, I guess. Or God. Something caused this - it can't be a coincidence. I mean, it can't be a coincidence, us being able to create Alex like that."

Amber looks down at her toes, curling and uncurling them as Krystal continues organising her notes, and the radio continues playing. By mutual agreement, the radio is always tuned to one of the Top 40 countdown stations so they can keep track of Alex's songs, and Amber jerks when she realises the station's playing her debut song.

"Coincidence," Krystal says, but smiles when Amber looks at her. "Or not."

This song means something special to Amber -- not just as Alex, but as the five of them working together. They're so different, and with differences come disputes, but they managed to work together to get this song out and Alex onstage. That's got to count for something.

And they did it once, which meant that everything that came after was that much easier.

As an idol, she's done a lot. Even if she hasn't techincally won any awards in the year since dbeut, she's still sold thousands of CDs and has close to a hundred thousand fans in her fancafe. She's released over twenty-five songs and performed them across hundreds of stages, had collaborations with some of the biggest names in the business and become a household name. But it isn't satisfying.

Like Jonghyun said, she owes her fans honesty, and he's lying to them, and to Jonghyun. One of the twelve commandments is Thou Shall Not Lie. Yeah, everyone lies, but to this extent, to a whole nation? Even a white lie that big shouldn't be tolerated.

"Krystal..." Amber says hesitantly, and Krystal looks up from a particularly large wad of Chaucer notes. "Do you-- do you think I owe my fans honesty?"

Amber awkwardly knots her fingers together, Krystal thoughtfully considering her.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, Jonghyun said that as idols, we owe something to our fans, and part of it is honesty. And -- I'm lying to him, too, and I feel I shouldn't, as-- as his girlfriend."

"Well," Krystal starts, and puts everything down. "Yeah, I think as an idol, you do owe your fans something but part of the reason people like Alex is the secrecy, and, I guess, dishonesty. Alex isn't like a normal idol, where everyone knows their birthday, height, weight, hometown, pets' names and God knows what else. But--" Krystal pauses and pushes her fringe off her face, "as for Jonghyun? That's up to you. If he can keep a secret, I see no reason not to, and to put your mind at rest. It's your life, Amber."

Krystal shrugs and picks up a pile of paper, before leaning over and putting it into the recycling box. Amber sniffs once before crawling over and ambushing her with a hug.

"I love you, Krystal," Amber all but wails, and Krystal awkwardly past her head, hiding a long-suffering smile.

"Love you too, Amber."

The next morning, Amber's woken by angry shouting from the living room, and carefully peels a sheet of paper from her face. When she focuses long enough to decipher it, she collapses again and closes her eyes, listening.

It's Luna and Sulli, which is not unusual enough to get her worried, but she hears her name and pricks her ears.

"Amber isn't ready for a comeback right now -- none of us are. Vic hasn't even finished choreographing yet and the song isn't good enough--"

"As if that's ever stopped you from teaching Amber a song. A fortnight is enough time to get it together and for Amber to learn everything. You don't understand what--"

"I don't understand? All you care about is publicity! You don't give a shit about Amber's health, or her skills, or her potential to become--"

"Potential? Luna, you don't understand the industry one little bit. An idol doesn't sell on skill alone, and Amber isn't exactly dripping with it--"

"Amber has more skill than you'll ever--"

"Well that's great, because I'm not the one up there! Oh wait, she's not up there because you can't get your act together and get a decent song done--"

"A decent song? Oh, is that it? Well, what have you contributed to--"

"I've done more for Amber and Alex than you ever will -- you couldn't even begin to understand--"

Someone pokes Amber's check, and she opens her eyes to see Krystal.

"How long have they been fighting?" Amber rasps out and licks her lips as an afterthought.

"Maybe fifteen minutes?" Krystal sits on the bed, and Amber shuffles over. "It'll blow over soon, don't worry. How long have you been awake? Did they wake you?"

Amber yawns. "Yeah, sorta, woke up a few minutes ago. Maybe I should just tell them I'll just do the comeback in two weeks."

Krystal frowns, but grins when Amber pokes her ticklish spots.

"Sure you can handle it?"

Amber drags herself up and props her chin on Krystal's shoulder, both of them staring at the door.

"I'm not dead yet."

Amber regrets her decision in the following fortnight as she sings, dances and recites so much she'd rather be freezing her ass off in Antarctica.

The meagre breaks she gets, she dedicates to beautiful, glorious sleep. Because Victoria, Sulli, Krystal and Luna all hold part time jobs of all hours of the day, Amber's always with one of them, working as Alex in one way or another, though Krystal is sympathetic enough to let her sleep when no one else is home.

Amber's forgotten the whirlwind of preparations that go into a comeback, and she misses Jonghyun as he claims business too. It feels weird to miss someone so close in the same city when she's used to missing her family and friends abroad.

The day before her comeback on the first of the many music shows, Sulli almost throws her laptop out the window.

"SHINee's having a comeback the following week," she reports sourly, and then rolls her eyes at their blank faces. "It's part of the reason I wanted an early comeback -- SHINee have the same target audience as Alex, and having been in the industry for a year longer means that they've got a bigger fanbase. They're going to steal Alex's votes and screentime."

Amber frowns from where she'd wedged into skinny jeans and a loose tank top, a singlet underneath -- unisex, as always. "Is it that much of a problem?"

"Now that they've dropped the noona concept, it is, since they're going for your audience -- teenagers," Krystal contributes before turning to Sulli. "It's too late to change anything, isn't it?"

"Way too late," she says. "We'll just have to hope for the best."

The first week of promos fly by surprisingly without any hiccups. Amber sings, raps and dances perfectly, and even recites, word-for-word, what Sulli had drummed into her regarding her new song.

On Monday, Amber's expecting a break, and Victoria, Sulli, Luna and Krystal are all too willing to give her one. But just as she's setting her alarm, her phone vibrates.

amber, you free? finally got a moment to breathe and i want to see you ^^ -jonghyun

Amber wants to throw her phone at her wall and hibernate under her covers, but she misses Jonghyun. So she picks up her phone and dutifully types in a message.

chocolate cafe in 10min? you're paying, mr. hotshot singer

done. see you then!

Seeing Jonghyun after being trapped in the apartment for days on end, seeing only the other four girls, is like a breath of fresh air.

"Hey," Jonghyun says, smiling, cap pulled tight over his head and dressed in a shapeless jumper.

"Hi," Amber says before smothering him in a hug.

"What called this on?" he says, laughing slightly as he hugs her back. "Not that that I'm complaining or anything."

"Just missed you," Amber says as she pulls back and drinks in the sight of him greedily. He shifts self consciously.

"Hey, no staring, I get that enough," he says as he clicks his fingers in front of her face, and she blinks before laughing and collapsing on a chair.

"That's right, Mr. Hotshot Singer. And you're paying, right?"

Jonghyun sighs as he pulls out his wallet and looks up to the menu. "What do you want?"

"Everything!"

They talk about everything, from how promotions are going for him to how school sucks and how much she misses her family.

"You have a sister?" he asks, surprised, as he drinks his coffee, and she munches on some waffles.

"Yeah, but we don't really look that alike. Her hair's longer. Why?"

"Oh, I just pegged you as an only child. What does she do?"

"She studies as well, but back in the states. She's practically my best friend." Amber takes a sip of her drink, suddenly missing Jackie and her suffocating hugs and cheerfulness. What she'd give to be back at home, in her own bed, in her own country, speaking a language she doesn't have to second guess.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Jonghyun's soft voice says, and Amber looks up, Jonghyun's sleeve alarmingly close.

"Wha--"

"Shh, it's okay," Jonghyun says, and dries her tears. He smiles, and she can't help smiling back, though it's watery. "I'm here, okay? When you want to talk, I'm here."

"Yeah," she says, and it mixes with a sob and a laugh in her throat. "Thanks."

"No problem," he says, and kisses her smile.

SHINee's comeback is the next week and Amber makes up her mind -- she has to tell him. He gave her honesty and she has to return it. It's only right.

So on the Friday at Music Bank, when everyone's disappeared and she's the only one left in the dressing room, she ducks out to another room.

"Can I talk to Jonghyun?"

Key looks her up and down, scrutinising her carefully with narrowed eyes and nods once. She's glad she's in her stage clothes, if Jonghyn's stories are anything to go by.

"Jonghyun!"

Key disappears and Jonghyun appears with a friendly, open smile before he sees her and his face closes off. Left is a polite and obviously fake smile, and he leans against the doorway.

"Alex, how can I help you?"

Amber swallows even though she knows she looks precisely like Alex, face made up and expression cool and aloft. She hates being Alex sometimes, how good she is at it, at the distance she can feel between Jonghyun and herself.

"Can you come with me for a moment?"

Jonghyun wordlessly follows her, and Amber pushes open the door to her dressing room, breathing a sigh. It's still empty.

"Yeah?" he asks, raising an eyebrow when she sits him down in the make up chair.

"Just watch," she says lowly, and takes a breath.

She grabs of fistful of her own hair, wriggles a little to dislodge it, and yanks. In her hands is her wig, and she shakes her real hair free, letting out a sigh and dropping the facade.

Jonghyun stares. And stares. His mouth is open.

"Jonghyun?" He starts gaping, opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

"You-you're Alex?"

She runs a hand through her hair, feeling Alex lie just below the surface of her skin, and calls it again. It's easy to just slip back into Alex, straightening her posture, cocking her hip, tossing her hair and feeling her fringe slide neatly into place.

"Oh my god," Jonghyun says, still frozen, and Amber instantly reverts back, worried. She kneels in front of him, looking up into his eyes, and he shuts them and groans.

"Oh my god, you're Alex?"

"Is it that much of a surprise?" Amber asks, almost hurt. "You even said we look alike."

"Ye-yeah, but I wasn't serious! Holy shit, you're Alex."

"Brilliant deduction, Watson," she says drily, and Jonghyun lets out a breathless laugh.

"Shit," he says with feeling.

"Um, yeah."

Yes I'd be the only one who writes 12k~ and then abandons it. Wrote this on and off for around a year and decided it was time to let go. Still needs to be heavily edited :/

My intended ending: Amber eventually gives up as Alex because she really hates it and reveals herself ~onstage~ and she's like to the rest of f(x), 'you guys are better than me, why don't we make a band!' so they do. And guess what it's called. Yeah I like my ending too.