(no subject)
im so friggin emo right now i have been for 2 days now. i was watching some movie a typical girl meets boy girl falls in love other stuff happens that splits them apart but its always a happy ending with sappy music, them being happy and kissing and then i went emo. ive been thinking lately alot how lonely i can get.
i love my friends and i spend just about every weekend with them but still theres the nights in between during the week when im at home sitting on myspace cursing how i have no comments again cause i hate watching tv, no one ever calls me, i cant go out late cause of fucking work and no one ever comes around. the only 2 people who have been into my house is megan and kirsty the rest have either picked/ dropped me off or dont even know where i live. half of them wldnt even know i live at bracken ridge now.
then theres the fact that i havent had a real relationship since rory which is saying something. there was tom after that but that only lasted less then 2 wks cause he bored me to death. i know having a bf isnt everything but man it would be nice to have what others have. i hate seeing happy couples laughing and mucking round and just being together having someone special i HATE it.
i think thats the main cause of my emoness. ever since i watched that stupid fuckin movie ive been so down. i even almost cried on the way to work only cause im sick of work, im sick of driving so fuckin far every day, im sick of the fact that i cant take chris's class anymore when he needs me to cause i dont even get back home until after 6, im sick of stupid ass crazy dickhead drivers.
then i start thinking about all my faults in my looks and in my personality. i start thinking of why people not just guys but why my friends dont like me. i realise i have to grow up but i dont want to cause whats the point i dont want to be some stuffy boring stuck in a dead end job person. i want to have fun, i want a life, I WANT A BAND, i just want my music. but if i supposedly grow up wldnt that be changing myself for others when i shldnt give a rats ass what others think of me?
im once again thinking about whether my friends really do like me or am i just some annoying person whos meant to be an adult but acts like a kid and has a very short temper especially lately since i havent been to tkd and my sis got back. do they really want to hang out with me or am i just baggage that wont go away? it also makes me wonder what people really do think of me beneath the surface who knows what lies there, what thoughts are there. people dont tell the truth cause they dont want to face conflict if they do tell that truth for once and its not what the person wanted to hear. then it makes me wonder if there is some guy out there that is cray enough to like me. but if so then why hasnt he said anything yet? is there really that someone special out there for me like everyone says? or is that just fantasy? but if there is someone special then i think it sucks that we have to wait so fucking long for them why cant they come now when i really would like to have someone and am more open to working on a relationship then what i have been in the past.
i know all that is running through my head constantly and im fully emo right now but is that whats making me emo? or is it something else thats in my unconscious mind? i keep being asked why im emo and i just say i dont know. i said how ive been thinking about alot of stuff lately and was told that maybe im thinking the wrong things. but am i thinking the wrong things? how do we know we are thinking the wrong things? maybe what we are thinking about may seem wrong to us cause of how they make us feel but maybe they are the right things to think about cause it brings things into perspective. or maybe everything the good and bad is the wrong thing to think about. or maybe the good and the bad are the right things to think about and we dont really have anything wrong to think about. i dont even know if half of that made sense but oh well.
ive noticed alot of my friends also have one person that they spend like all their time with the one best friend. it also makes me think how i used to have that with megan how every time you saw us we were always together laughing having fun being ocmplete dickheads. thats all changed now and i dont have that anymore with anyone. i think no matter how close i am to my friends none of them will ever understand me as much. maybe thats the cause of my emoness lost friends.
the one thing that does seem to cheer me up is when i think about prom queen and bce on fri and think how ive been waiting for this for a few weeks now. and then chaos and how i finally get to see funeral for a friend woo hoo so cant wait for that one. maybe i should start thinking about my music more and more and fill up my thoughts even more then it does now and not think about anything else except for that then i might be happier. who knows
i love my friends and i spend just about every weekend with them but still theres the nights in between during the week when im at home sitting on myspace cursing how i have no comments again cause i hate watching tv, no one ever calls me, i cant go out late cause of fucking work and no one ever comes around. the only 2 people who have been into my house is megan and kirsty the rest have either picked/ dropped me off or dont even know where i live. half of them wldnt even know i live at bracken ridge now.
then theres the fact that i havent had a real relationship since rory which is saying something. there was tom after that but that only lasted less then 2 wks cause he bored me to death. i know having a bf isnt everything but man it would be nice to have what others have. i hate seeing happy couples laughing and mucking round and just being together having someone special i HATE it.
i think thats the main cause of my emoness. ever since i watched that stupid fuckin movie ive been so down. i even almost cried on the way to work only cause im sick of work, im sick of driving so fuckin far every day, im sick of the fact that i cant take chris's class anymore when he needs me to cause i dont even get back home until after 6, im sick of stupid ass crazy dickhead drivers.
then i start thinking about all my faults in my looks and in my personality. i start thinking of why people not just guys but why my friends dont like me. i realise i have to grow up but i dont want to cause whats the point i dont want to be some stuffy boring stuck in a dead end job person. i want to have fun, i want a life, I WANT A BAND, i just want my music. but if i supposedly grow up wldnt that be changing myself for others when i shldnt give a rats ass what others think of me?
im once again thinking about whether my friends really do like me or am i just some annoying person whos meant to be an adult but acts like a kid and has a very short temper especially lately since i havent been to tkd and my sis got back. do they really want to hang out with me or am i just baggage that wont go away? it also makes me wonder what people really do think of me beneath the surface who knows what lies there, what thoughts are there. people dont tell the truth cause they dont want to face conflict if they do tell that truth for once and its not what the person wanted to hear. then it makes me wonder if there is some guy out there that is cray enough to like me. but if so then why hasnt he said anything yet? is there really that someone special out there for me like everyone says? or is that just fantasy? but if there is someone special then i think it sucks that we have to wait so fucking long for them why cant they come now when i really would like to have someone and am more open to working on a relationship then what i have been in the past.
i know all that is running through my head constantly and im fully emo right now but is that whats making me emo? or is it something else thats in my unconscious mind? i keep being asked why im emo and i just say i dont know. i said how ive been thinking about alot of stuff lately and was told that maybe im thinking the wrong things. but am i thinking the wrong things? how do we know we are thinking the wrong things? maybe what we are thinking about may seem wrong to us cause of how they make us feel but maybe they are the right things to think about cause it brings things into perspective. or maybe everything the good and bad is the wrong thing to think about. or maybe the good and the bad are the right things to think about and we dont really have anything wrong to think about. i dont even know if half of that made sense but oh well.
ive noticed alot of my friends also have one person that they spend like all their time with the one best friend. it also makes me think how i used to have that with megan how every time you saw us we were always together laughing having fun being ocmplete dickheads. thats all changed now and i dont have that anymore with anyone. i think no matter how close i am to my friends none of them will ever understand me as much. maybe thats the cause of my emoness lost friends.
the one thing that does seem to cheer me up is when i think about prom queen and bce on fri and think how ive been waiting for this for a few weeks now. and then chaos and how i finally get to see funeral for a friend woo hoo so cant wait for that one. maybe i should start thinking about my music more and more and fill up my thoughts even more then it does now and not think about anything else except for that then i might be happier. who knows