jealousy
well I am awake! Why isn't everyone else? It's noon time dammit. Aren't there rules about adults being up at noon? It's too hot to wear anything but the slutiest of clothes today. I had better shave my legs and clean up.
My movies didn't come in the mail from amazon yesterday, and worse still they haven't even sent me a shipment confirmation number. The amazon building is like a 1/4 mile from here. I am going to go knock on the door and ask if I can please have my movies NOW. I need to see that Walking and Talking movie again, and Block Buster no longer carries it. The movie isn't even that great, but as with many other things I am compelled to watch it over and over again.
Are humans meant to be monogamous or are we just so terribly jealous there is no other choice?
I am jealous about everything and everyone. I keep a ripped up picture of Arian's x, Amy in my files. He ripped it up, not me. I would have studied the entire photo for years. Even my girlfriends. Marie had this 80's friend once. She was showing up all the time in her little mini skirts, and then she would take Marie out to dinner. I want an 80's friend too! Josh has all of those girlfriends, and that is even worse because those girls are online. I can read their bios and see pictures. Pure torment. I remember the good old days when I had to change my class schedule to sit next to Matt Howard's x-girlfriend during Algebra II, just to prove that I was smarter. This is really sick. I even kept a list of all of her test scores right next to mine. I befriended the boy sitting directly behind her, so that I could use him as a spy. I got the test scores that I couldn't see from my vantage point from him.
Maybe it was the process that I loved. The spying and being sneaky. Even now I make my poor friend stokes track ip addresses for me. In all honesty I haven't done that in awhile, with Josh around there are plenty of other things to obsess about. All my readers are probably horrified by these ramblings.
Even my own sister. When I was sixteen and she was six, I had her be the spotter. We would drive up and down the roads looking for my x-boyfriends car. She would carefully scan up and down the streets. She was really very good at it.
What is this adding up to? I am even worse when it comes to boys that don't want me? If I ever fell in love with you, I would be thinking about you in some part of my mind forever. Even if you hated me and disappeared completely, I would still be thinking about it, and trying to figure out a way to get information about how you were and what you were doing.
If it hadn't been for my constant inability to let things go, I would have never gotten Arian back.
Out of all the examples I was the worse with him. I won't even go into it, since it only makes me seem more pathetic and weak.
Now that I am married I can't even defend any of my jealous actions. Arian doesn't even like women, there is nothing to be bothered about when it comes to him. Well, wait that sounds off. He likes women in a sexual sense of the word, but he doesn't often think being with a woman is worth all of the trouble it comes with. I on the other hand have lots of impulses that I can't act on. I sit around thinking of scenarios in which without fault or guilt I could kiss people. Not sex. Not even in my wicked fantasies do I imagine that I could find a way to make that allowable. Just kissing. I don't love Arian any less, I just miss all the romance of those first kisses. Sure I can act out some role-playing games and pretend like I am 15 and it is my first kiss, but it isn't quite the same.
No one is looking at me with lust. Have I become so unattractive that I can't even inspire lust in anyone anymore? Maybe it is this shitty haircut. Nobody likes the circles under my eyes, or the lines on my face. I am too young to be considering this. I still think about obscene graphic sex. Was I supposed to grow out of that or something? In fact I feel more heterosexual that ever these days. I swear I even like the way the male body looks. True it isn't all that symmetrical in places, but I find it fascinating. I wish I had spent more time sketching in art school. I wish I had more photographs.
I better end this now, before I become too descriptive.
My movies didn't come in the mail from amazon yesterday, and worse still they haven't even sent me a shipment confirmation number. The amazon building is like a 1/4 mile from here. I am going to go knock on the door and ask if I can please have my movies NOW. I need to see that Walking and Talking movie again, and Block Buster no longer carries it. The movie isn't even that great, but as with many other things I am compelled to watch it over and over again.
Are humans meant to be monogamous or are we just so terribly jealous there is no other choice?
I am jealous about everything and everyone. I keep a ripped up picture of Arian's x, Amy in my files. He ripped it up, not me. I would have studied the entire photo for years. Even my girlfriends. Marie had this 80's friend once. She was showing up all the time in her little mini skirts, and then she would take Marie out to dinner. I want an 80's friend too! Josh has all of those girlfriends, and that is even worse because those girls are online. I can read their bios and see pictures. Pure torment. I remember the good old days when I had to change my class schedule to sit next to Matt Howard's x-girlfriend during Algebra II, just to prove that I was smarter. This is really sick. I even kept a list of all of her test scores right next to mine. I befriended the boy sitting directly behind her, so that I could use him as a spy. I got the test scores that I couldn't see from my vantage point from him.
Maybe it was the process that I loved. The spying and being sneaky. Even now I make my poor friend stokes track ip addresses for me. In all honesty I haven't done that in awhile, with Josh around there are plenty of other things to obsess about. All my readers are probably horrified by these ramblings.
Even my own sister. When I was sixteen and she was six, I had her be the spotter. We would drive up and down the roads looking for my x-boyfriends car. She would carefully scan up and down the streets. She was really very good at it.
What is this adding up to? I am even worse when it comes to boys that don't want me? If I ever fell in love with you, I would be thinking about you in some part of my mind forever. Even if you hated me and disappeared completely, I would still be thinking about it, and trying to figure out a way to get information about how you were and what you were doing.
If it hadn't been for my constant inability to let things go, I would have never gotten Arian back.
Out of all the examples I was the worse with him. I won't even go into it, since it only makes me seem more pathetic and weak.
Now that I am married I can't even defend any of my jealous actions. Arian doesn't even like women, there is nothing to be bothered about when it comes to him. Well, wait that sounds off. He likes women in a sexual sense of the word, but he doesn't often think being with a woman is worth all of the trouble it comes with. I on the other hand have lots of impulses that I can't act on. I sit around thinking of scenarios in which without fault or guilt I could kiss people. Not sex. Not even in my wicked fantasies do I imagine that I could find a way to make that allowable. Just kissing. I don't love Arian any less, I just miss all the romance of those first kisses. Sure I can act out some role-playing games and pretend like I am 15 and it is my first kiss, but it isn't quite the same.
No one is looking at me with lust. Have I become so unattractive that I can't even inspire lust in anyone anymore? Maybe it is this shitty haircut. Nobody likes the circles under my eyes, or the lines on my face. I am too young to be considering this. I still think about obscene graphic sex. Was I supposed to grow out of that or something? In fact I feel more heterosexual that ever these days. I swear I even like the way the male body looks. True it isn't all that symmetrical in places, but I find it fascinating. I wish I had spent more time sketching in art school. I wish I had more photographs.
I better end this now, before I become too descriptive.