(no subject)
I started sewing again today. I used to be really into making stuff like clothes and bags. I guess it's calming in a way. It's something I can do right. I can start it and even if I get frustrated with it I can still finish. And there's nothing else in my life that I can do that with. I give up so easily and I hate that about myself. I fail at everything and sometimes I try so hard. Most of the time I just put everything aside and forget about it because I know I'll never get anything perfect. I need to get my life together. In 16 months I will but 18. That's coming so fast. I'm terrified, if I don't have everything ironed out in my life by that time I'm so afraid of what will happen, what I'll do to myself. I need control and power and seriously lack both. I started by controlling my body and half the time I fail at that. I want someone to talk to who won't judge but will understand. Someone who will understand how insanely scared I am.
I miss Fadi. He always makes me feel better. I haven't seen him in three months now. He recently started talking to me again though and he said he still loves me. I believe him even though I probably shouldn't. I know that as soon as I can I want to move to Miami, South Beach in particular. I want Fadi to come with me but I don't think he will. I just realized I'm making changes in my life and I don't know why. But lately I've been doing things I want to do without thinking so much about what other people think. For example I cut my hair short and I started trying call Fadi "Fadi" instead of the name he introduced himself to me as "Mark". I like Fadi better it's sexy, isn't it? He's sexy...god do I miss him. I miss kissing him even though he usually tasted like Newports. I miss riding in the car with him and holding his hand. I miss him calling me late at night and telling me to come outside and there he'd be waiting to pick me up. I often think about having a family with him. I hope that he and I can have a family one day. I'm so connected to him. Months before he moved I knew he was going to move and he never said anything to me about it. Then about a month ago I hadn't even talked to him in like a month and I started worrying he was going to get in a car accident. Three days ago he texts me and tells me he totaled his car.
Well, I guess 2:15 am is good time to try and sleep. But maybe not we'll see.
I miss Fadi. He always makes me feel better. I haven't seen him in three months now. He recently started talking to me again though and he said he still loves me. I believe him even though I probably shouldn't. I know that as soon as I can I want to move to Miami, South Beach in particular. I want Fadi to come with me but I don't think he will. I just realized I'm making changes in my life and I don't know why. But lately I've been doing things I want to do without thinking so much about what other people think. For example I cut my hair short and I started trying call Fadi "Fadi" instead of the name he introduced himself to me as "Mark". I like Fadi better it's sexy, isn't it? He's sexy...god do I miss him. I miss kissing him even though he usually tasted like Newports. I miss riding in the car with him and holding his hand. I miss him calling me late at night and telling me to come outside and there he'd be waiting to pick me up. I often think about having a family with him. I hope that he and I can have a family one day. I'm so connected to him. Months before he moved I knew he was going to move and he never said anything to me about it. Then about a month ago I hadn't even talked to him in like a month and I started worrying he was going to get in a car accident. Three days ago he texts me and tells me he totaled his car.
Well, I guess 2:15 am is good time to try and sleep. But maybe not we'll see.