crusty chucklebutt
heyhey!! lOl so cassandra sent me this mail & it said to use letters in ur name to get a new name (see subject) noo life
ah ive been busy with the play & all and no time for computer, kinda makes me feel like i have a life, well actually tonights the cast party & the last show, its kinda sad =( and yet relieving at the same time <3 yay!!! but yea so anyway i saw my chany & lilly last night they came to the play and tonight gabes coming to the play, finnaly get to see him after like, months! so yea i have no idea how im getting to the party tho i think im going to bring all my stuff & just get a ride with crespy. rachels so funny, after the show shes like, omg brandon is soooo hot!!!!!! i was like whoa. what happend to ur obbsession w. etai? omg i lovee herrr!
omg i really think im becoming one of those drama kids, my actions latley, whoa its really scary, i was weird before but now its ridiculous.
so i had one of those ovary attacks last night, ive been getting them alot latley =( they stopped for 2months and now there back. its happening like every other day now, and i keep blaming it on food or whatever but i know thats not it, but i mean it comes & it goes, like last night the pain only lasted for 20 minutes then i was perfectly fine. i dont wanna go back to the hosptial again, but i hope im ok sometimes i get really scared.
ive been thinking alot about some things and i realy dont know who iam or what i stand for, i thought i did but i dont, i really dont know what i want or what im looking for, im really such a confused kid. lOl noooo joke people. i guess thats normal but ive been thinkin alot about what some people are saying not about me but just what their saying in general. and its like i see some of my best friends in love and stuff and i was thinking, was it really love??? and i think ive come to the conlusion it wasnt, love is when two people care so much about eachother and would do alot for eachother and the truth is i never had that, maybe i did love him, but there wasnt love between us, and that made me really upset that i hadda put up with so much bullshit for something that i never even had. its like that song "i gave so much in the past for a love ive never had" its from a destinys child song, and its like omg, what a waste, you know? but i guess thats fine, but now its like i wonder what thats like to have somebody love you for you. and i guess in a sense its not worth it right now, becoz to imagine if i did find that and i lost it, how much worse the feeling would be, to have my heart broken again? and to always wonder am i suposed to be with him? is it suposed to be like this? im just me, and its so hard to find a guy who accepts that, that im not perfect and i cant always be happy and i need time to myself and that sometimes i really do hurt, not all the time but sometimes, so maybe im not meant to have anybody right now, becoz im not ready for a comitment again, and i dont wanna fall and have nobody to catch me. i dont think its worth it for me. i dont wanna mope around like an emo and shit, i just wanna be completly happy with who iam and what i have. and sometimes i am, but i want it alll the time! and i dont know how to get that feeling all the time. somethings missing and i dont know what it is.
ah ive been busy with the play & all and no time for computer, kinda makes me feel like i have a life, well actually tonights the cast party & the last show, its kinda sad =( and yet relieving at the same time <3 yay!!! but yea so anyway i saw my chany & lilly last night they came to the play and tonight gabes coming to the play, finnaly get to see him after like, months! so yea i have no idea how im getting to the party tho i think im going to bring all my stuff & just get a ride with crespy. rachels so funny, after the show shes like, omg brandon is soooo hot!!!!!! i was like whoa. what happend to ur obbsession w. etai? omg i lovee herrr!
omg i really think im becoming one of those drama kids, my actions latley, whoa its really scary, i was weird before but now its ridiculous.
so i had one of those ovary attacks last night, ive been getting them alot latley =( they stopped for 2months and now there back. its happening like every other day now, and i keep blaming it on food or whatever but i know thats not it, but i mean it comes & it goes, like last night the pain only lasted for 20 minutes then i was perfectly fine. i dont wanna go back to the hosptial again, but i hope im ok sometimes i get really scared.
ive been thinking alot about some things and i realy dont know who iam or what i stand for, i thought i did but i dont, i really dont know what i want or what im looking for, im really such a confused kid. lOl noooo joke people. i guess thats normal but ive been thinkin alot about what some people are saying not about me but just what their saying in general. and its like i see some of my best friends in love and stuff and i was thinking, was it really love??? and i think ive come to the conlusion it wasnt, love is when two people care so much about eachother and would do alot for eachother and the truth is i never had that, maybe i did love him, but there wasnt love between us, and that made me really upset that i hadda put up with so much bullshit for something that i never even had. its like that song "i gave so much in the past for a love ive never had" its from a destinys child song, and its like omg, what a waste, you know? but i guess thats fine, but now its like i wonder what thats like to have somebody love you for you. and i guess in a sense its not worth it right now, becoz to imagine if i did find that and i lost it, how much worse the feeling would be, to have my heart broken again? and to always wonder am i suposed to be with him? is it suposed to be like this? im just me, and its so hard to find a guy who accepts that, that im not perfect and i cant always be happy and i need time to myself and that sometimes i really do hurt, not all the time but sometimes, so maybe im not meant to have anybody right now, becoz im not ready for a comitment again, and i dont wanna fall and have nobody to catch me. i dont think its worth it for me. i dont wanna mope around like an emo and shit, i just wanna be completly happy with who iam and what i have. and sometimes i am, but i want it alll the time! and i dont know how to get that feeling all the time. somethings missing and i dont know what it is.