take your tears and put them on ice
today was good. i went to squirt's and we brought the party to matty's later. we made brownies, lots of cookies, cup cakes, tuna pasta salad and special lemonade. all in all my parents are really funny and surprise me sometimes. retelling the story to my audience it seemed to surprise them too. it was a nice day with amanda and squirt, then later seeing people i haven't really seen since graduation.
after i came home i was suprised to see an im as soon as i came on from an old friend and it was a nice surprise since i hardly get to talk to him anyway, but the first thing he has to say to me is something obsure and completely ridiculous that has nothing to do with typical concern or meaningful conversation. we got into a fight because i didn't feel it was fair to bring that situation up when he hardly talks to me ever. he called me paranoid and we argued. we argued for the first time since maybe fall or december. i cried uncontrollably for the first time since when i ruined things in january with the guy. its amazing how after so many years we can argue and i can still feel like my words have been manipulated and turned against me, i'm not being understood or taken seriously, and i cry. its like high school all over again and i realize whats the point? i make the effort to keep something up because we promised we weren't going to be the couple who dated then hated each other and as always i'm the only one trying and really making an effort and for months i cried about how there was no point and that he wouldn't ever change. for "our" sake i killed myself to salvage something that would get snuffed out by another girl. it was bound to happen. i compromised something that would make me feel safe and happy and save me from destroying myself and i compromised my happiness for a potential chance to go back into the pit. biggest mistake ever. i haven't felt this horrible in a while and it was undeserving. the worst part about it is how lonely i feel. i just came from a party with my friends and i can't find myself calling them up for help. i've successfully denied myself anything good for myself. i won't let myself run to the people who matter, but on top of that i don't think at this point any of my friends are in the right position to hear me cry about it. and on top of it, all the while i hear he and i arguing like we did back in sophomore year when i got my friends involved in our personal life. so in a fucked up attempt to do it for him, i won't go to them, on top of the fact i have allowed myself to feel crazy and an inconvenience to anyone who cares about me. i deny myself pride, happiness, love, sanity. i thought i had a chance to vent to someone but they had to go. it funny that i tried to be there for them when they called, but i couldn't be that inconvenience when i needed them. what the fuck is the matter with me?
i feel like i have nothing. i feel like i'm going crazy. i know its not true and i have a lot and a lot of people who care but i betray myself. i don't know how to fix it. but its so lonely.
fuck you auroroa.
after i came home i was suprised to see an im as soon as i came on from an old friend and it was a nice surprise since i hardly get to talk to him anyway, but the first thing he has to say to me is something obsure and completely ridiculous that has nothing to do with typical concern or meaningful conversation. we got into a fight because i didn't feel it was fair to bring that situation up when he hardly talks to me ever. he called me paranoid and we argued. we argued for the first time since maybe fall or december. i cried uncontrollably for the first time since when i ruined things in january with the guy. its amazing how after so many years we can argue and i can still feel like my words have been manipulated and turned against me, i'm not being understood or taken seriously, and i cry. its like high school all over again and i realize whats the point? i make the effort to keep something up because we promised we weren't going to be the couple who dated then hated each other and as always i'm the only one trying and really making an effort and for months i cried about how there was no point and that he wouldn't ever change. for "our" sake i killed myself to salvage something that would get snuffed out by another girl. it was bound to happen. i compromised something that would make me feel safe and happy and save me from destroying myself and i compromised my happiness for a potential chance to go back into the pit. biggest mistake ever. i haven't felt this horrible in a while and it was undeserving. the worst part about it is how lonely i feel. i just came from a party with my friends and i can't find myself calling them up for help. i've successfully denied myself anything good for myself. i won't let myself run to the people who matter, but on top of that i don't think at this point any of my friends are in the right position to hear me cry about it. and on top of it, all the while i hear he and i arguing like we did back in sophomore year when i got my friends involved in our personal life. so in a fucked up attempt to do it for him, i won't go to them, on top of the fact i have allowed myself to feel crazy and an inconvenience to anyone who cares about me. i deny myself pride, happiness, love, sanity. i thought i had a chance to vent to someone but they had to go. it funny that i tried to be there for them when they called, but i couldn't be that inconvenience when i needed them. what the fuck is the matter with me?
i feel like i have nothing. i feel like i'm going crazy. i know its not true and i have a lot and a lot of people who care but i betray myself. i don't know how to fix it. but its so lonely.
fuck you auroroa.