are we going up? or just going down?
last night i got gutsy and i spilled them all out over instant messages. it was a bold move, and i wish i could have done it in person to see the look on his face. it would have been great, but i doubt it would have been as unawkward or humorous as it was hiding behind my laptop. i told him everything; how i can't stop thinking, my unusual dreaming sequences, how i never stopped liking him and how it was a stupid move where i convinced myself i could be happy in a situation that would never change. he calls me a masochist. he's right. i don't regret telling him.
today i found out my gpa this term was a 3.9 and my cumulative was a 3.5. i should have been a lot more happy and proud of myself, but i wasn't. i fucked myself up a lot over this past year with pride. no wonder its a deadly sin. if i'm not dead physically my perfectionism will kill me soon enough. i tried to be happy about it and it didn't last long. i wish i could be happy with myself.
tonight was my scholarship ceremony. this is a good one: so i go there with my parents. at the entrance there is a sign that says "awards ceremony park in lot f" so i think "oh good they moved it from the workout center to the auditorium because i dont know how they were going to do that anyway." so its 5:00pm and i show up as instructed since i was told its from 5-6:15 and no one is there. we end up finding a tech man and he says the ceremony is at 6, so i'm mad that i was misinformed because i'm miss-be-early-if-not-dead-on-time and i'm an hour early! so my parents and i go to friendly's for ice cream and barnes and noble to kill an hour. we get back and i notice a sign as we pass the entrance. much less noticably below the first sign we saw said "hcc foundation scholarship ceremony park in lot o at bartley center" this bartlet center is in fact the gym/ work out center. it's 6:05 and i'm freaking out realizing i missed the ceremony. so we go there and they are taking everything down and hardly any one is left over. so i am trying to explain myself to the door lady and she lets me in, and i end up getting to meet my donors and the scholarship coordinator. it wasn't any more than 3 minutes. i came out so pissed off. i got home, changed, and headed to cathy's realizing not only will i have fun there, and i'll get to hang out with the guy after. not to mention this was the one day of the month i had which i actually felt beautiful. that happens approximately once a month if at all. so hopped up on cuteness, it turned out it was a bad day, and that was all i heard of it. he went to sleep and i was alone in the ymca parking lot. so i went home and cuddled up with pulp fiction. i was so bored i actually sat down and put the movie in its correct sequencial order. so if you ever want to know, i got it. i can't be pissed, shit happens, but who knows whats going to happen. just too devoted and desperate. completely retarded.
if it's a "phase" then it will pass, i agree, but when? i came to the realization every relationship is a "phase": you have your first love phase with cuteness and infatuation, your defiant phase where you go for your bad boy or the socially unaccepted tyoe, some girls have a long lasting asshole phase, maybe the complete opposite of what you last dated phase, etc. phases are inevitable with relations and nothing good in this world ever lasts, so why not take advantage of the situation in front of you rather than spend time alone wishing you had something better? it may not last forever, but it could be worthwhile, and it could not. you never know, but should that keep you from trying and potentially sacrifice your happiness?
today i found out my gpa this term was a 3.9 and my cumulative was a 3.5. i should have been a lot more happy and proud of myself, but i wasn't. i fucked myself up a lot over this past year with pride. no wonder its a deadly sin. if i'm not dead physically my perfectionism will kill me soon enough. i tried to be happy about it and it didn't last long. i wish i could be happy with myself.
tonight was my scholarship ceremony. this is a good one: so i go there with my parents. at the entrance there is a sign that says "awards ceremony park in lot f" so i think "oh good they moved it from the workout center to the auditorium because i dont know how they were going to do that anyway." so its 5:00pm and i show up as instructed since i was told its from 5-6:15 and no one is there. we end up finding a tech man and he says the ceremony is at 6, so i'm mad that i was misinformed because i'm miss-be-early-if-not-dead-on-time and i'm an hour early! so my parents and i go to friendly's for ice cream and barnes and noble to kill an hour. we get back and i notice a sign as we pass the entrance. much less noticably below the first sign we saw said "hcc foundation scholarship ceremony park in lot o at bartley center" this bartlet center is in fact the gym/ work out center. it's 6:05 and i'm freaking out realizing i missed the ceremony. so we go there and they are taking everything down and hardly any one is left over. so i am trying to explain myself to the door lady and she lets me in, and i end up getting to meet my donors and the scholarship coordinator. it wasn't any more than 3 minutes. i came out so pissed off. i got home, changed, and headed to cathy's realizing not only will i have fun there, and i'll get to hang out with the guy after. not to mention this was the one day of the month i had which i actually felt beautiful. that happens approximately once a month if at all. so hopped up on cuteness, it turned out it was a bad day, and that was all i heard of it. he went to sleep and i was alone in the ymca parking lot. so i went home and cuddled up with pulp fiction. i was so bored i actually sat down and put the movie in its correct sequencial order. so if you ever want to know, i got it. i can't be pissed, shit happens, but who knows whats going to happen. just too devoted and desperate. completely retarded.
if it's a "phase" then it will pass, i agree, but when? i came to the realization every relationship is a "phase": you have your first love phase with cuteness and infatuation, your defiant phase where you go for your bad boy or the socially unaccepted tyoe, some girls have a long lasting asshole phase, maybe the complete opposite of what you last dated phase, etc. phases are inevitable with relations and nothing good in this world ever lasts, so why not take advantage of the situation in front of you rather than spend time alone wishing you had something better? it may not last forever, but it could be worthwhile, and it could not. you never know, but should that keep you from trying and potentially sacrifice your happiness?