(no subject)
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I started having nightmares again. I went a whole week without one. But last night... was a bad one. I woke up crying. Never pleasant.
Church was hard today.
Too much emotion makes me want to throw myself in front of a van.
They need to stop forcing me to try and love God.
I'm not sure I'm ready for that, yet.
I'm not sure I still even believe in that.
All I know is that I'm not ready to let go of Todd. He hurt me, and I want him hurt.
And if that makes me and God not like each other, fine.
I completely broke down at church today. I honestly was sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking and I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't stop- I wanted to stop, but I couldn't make the tears stop flowing, and I couldn't get myself back into my content little bubble.
I fucking hate reality. It always ruins my life.
I'm not ready to let go of Todd. I'm not ready to let go of the problems my mother and I have. I'm not ready to forgive my dad for the things he's said. I'm not ready to forgive Sam to breaking what was left of my miserable little heart.
I'm just not ready.
So stop trying to force me to give up the only things I have that are keeping me from being depressed. Angry I can deal with. I can't do depressed. I WON'T. I am not going to go back to being that girl just to get through it. I can't get through it. I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity just for the possibility that I might be normal- and it's a slight possibility at that.
I'm scared all of the time, though. Always. I barely trust anyone... and if I do, I always tell them only certain things. I really don't think I can trust. I should probably tell Kelsey that. It makes me feel bad, but I just can't. Not after Todd, and Mom, and Dad, and Sam, and my Grandparent's... no.
I'm not letting myself get hurt again.
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I started having nightmares again. I went a whole week without one. But last night... was a bad one. I woke up crying. Never pleasant.
Church was hard today.
Too much emotion makes me want to throw myself in front of a van.
They need to stop forcing me to try and love God.
I'm not sure I'm ready for that, yet.
I'm not sure I still even believe in that.
All I know is that I'm not ready to let go of Todd. He hurt me, and I want him hurt.
And if that makes me and God not like each other, fine.
I completely broke down at church today. I honestly was sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking and I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't stop- I wanted to stop, but I couldn't make the tears stop flowing, and I couldn't get myself back into my content little bubble.
I fucking hate reality. It always ruins my life.
I'm not ready to let go of Todd. I'm not ready to let go of the problems my mother and I have. I'm not ready to forgive my dad for the things he's said. I'm not ready to forgive Sam to breaking what was left of my miserable little heart.
I'm just not ready.
So stop trying to force me to give up the only things I have that are keeping me from being depressed. Angry I can deal with. I can't do depressed. I WON'T. I am not going to go back to being that girl just to get through it. I can't get through it. I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity just for the possibility that I might be normal- and it's a slight possibility at that.
I'm scared all of the time, though. Always. I barely trust anyone... and if I do, I always tell them only certain things. I really don't think I can trust. I should probably tell Kelsey that. It makes me feel bad, but I just can't. Not after Todd, and Mom, and Dad, and Sam, and my Grandparent's... no.
I'm not letting myself get hurt again.